How much do I need God?

Well, BK and I attended the marriage conference and just as expected I was blown away. We were both just touched and learned so much. I was totally excited we spent the day listening to awesome speakers teach us about marriage from a perspective that glorified God in it all.

One of the speakers who was 69 named Gary Smalley got up and spoke from his heart. He said if he could pick a "last thing" to preach about.. this would be it. I've heard speakers talk of this topic before but it never hit me like it did on this particular day.

I consider myself a pretty good Christian girl, living for God, loving God, teaching kids about God. I know how to serve God... I understand that other people hurt and we are to have compassion and love for others... but the thing God revealed to me on Saturday through this speaker was HOW MUCH I actually NEED God.

I think one thing that turned me off to Christianity is this premise that we are SUCH sinners... so bad, people are horrible, hurting, angry, selfish, etc.etc. It's a hard pill to swallow because there are a lot of good people in this world. But even "good people" are hurting. Hurt is all around us, wounded people are all around us, you can tell by the amount of people addicted to drugs, alcohol, prescription meds, sex, lies, pride, jealousy all of it... it's everywhere. But as a person who lives in this wounded world... I don't like to admit... exactly HOW wounded I really am. How much do I need God?

Gary Smalley talked about getting up each morning as if he held up a cardboard sign to God (picture someone standing on a highway holding this type of cardboard sign). In big black letters it said, HELP ME HELP ME... Every morning he pictures himself humble, before the Lord asking him to take this day and help him in all of his imperfectness get through the day. He speaks to God from a place of humility a place that recognizes how truly messed up we all are.

Now believe me, there are days when I think I have it all together. I don't feel messed up, I don't even look messed up, but by the end of the day or end of the week... I am a royal mess.

Maybe it's because BK and I have been reading lines from the Passion Play but it was like I thought I had it all figured out and a light switch went on in my head. God sent Jesus to die on the cross because he KNOWS how much help we need as sinful human people. Jesus is the antidote to my sin in God's eyes and He is my friend.

I used to wake up and think... what can I do today to make this life feel "happy and comfortable" what can I do to make things OK for my wounded heart. How do I wake up every day and put the puzzle pieces together? What's on my to do list... that is going to take me one step closer to happiness? What three things can I do that will make my family happy? What will make me feel prettier today? And when Gary held up the cardboard sign and talked about waking up every day and confessing to God... humbly frankly and honestly that he needed help. I totally and completely agreed with him.

Why do I wake up every day thinking I've got it all figured out? Is it my pride? It's ok to wake up and be humble and not know it all. It's ok to wake up and completely rely on God. It's ok to know that I totally and completely need Jesus and I can be so thankful that he died on that cross for the thing I struggle with every day. My sin.My imperfectness. He will take it from me. He will bear it for me. He will wipe it clean when I come to him in humble repentance. He will make me new, change me, give me strength and encouragement when I need it. But what I need to accept the most and realize the most... is that HE will give it to me. It is by his grace and love for me that I will be better.

What a load off of my life... what a concept to swallow. So now everyday my eyes open on my bedroom pillow after a nights sleep. I wake up and tell God in my humble sleepy state. Lord, help me. Help me in all the areas I need help. I'm so glad I have you Jesus. I'm so glad you died for me. I love you.