Well, suffice it to say I am feeling much better. My OB appt went well... and my hormones are doing their thing. I had to share this story because women everywhere know the havoc that hormones do to our bodies.
My son often comes into my room after Billy has gone to work and crawls into bed with me. He has been instructed that he can only come into our bed after the sun is up over the mountain which is usually at 7:00am.
This morning I was laying there and we were snuggling and talking about what we would eat for breakfast. He kept asking me if I was feeling better. I told him I was. He is very affectionate and physical touch is definately his love language, so he began touching my face... and hugging me.
All of the sudden he said, "Uh... Mommy... your chin... your chin... uh your chin is GROWING... a little disturbed. As he stroked his little hand across the bottom of my chin he said to me... "You really need to shave that off...it's too prickly." I laughed so hard... leave it to my beautiful son to remind me of the importance of a good wax and pluck :) Have a great day!
Although I have horrendous morning sickness... I am layed out horizontal most of the time and cry sometimes because I am so sick of being sick. I want to take a walk to the highest mountain in Durango(which I'll wait til my 2nd trimester) and shout out to the world how awesome God has been in my life. You have to understand... this pregnancy is so desired... so wanted... so part of my heart. As noted before and many of you know.. I had a miscarriage last year. I really thought I had grieved and prayed and talked to God about everything I was feeling about the pregnancy until it came time for when the baby "should have" been born. All of these feelings of anger towards God and towards my life and towards the desires of my heart that had not been fulfilled... just came bubbling out. I yelled at God, I cried so hard... I thought I was going to hyperventalate... I just let it rip. I even said "GOD! YOU KNOW how much this means to Billy... YOU KNOW... how much we want one more of our own... and you LOVE US... so what the heck... I felt like a brat... but I had to tell him how I really felt. I thought that I had never been closer to God.. before that so I thought... how could you abandon me during such an important time? I looked for my answers from my good friend and pastor Linn. One thing she told me is that in the toughest times of our life... God is drawing us near. He is closer than we could ever imagine... He is listening and loving us through it all. It made sense to me... so I thought... since we're so close, I am going to read my Bible, have very HONEST converstations through prayer and really talk to God like my friend who understood it all. Now mind you... when I was angry with God.. It was during months were BK and I were still trying to have a baby. Where every month... I would pray that I could get past the fifth week of the month... and miss my period... and every month... it showed up like clockwork. I thought... this is it. My body will just not produce anymore children, we talked about adoption... we prayed that GOd just be in the middle of it and guide us.
Billy forEVER has told me he wants to have four kids. I've always told him he is crazy... but he has been in prayer and talking to God and knows that he knows we will have four kids. In my doubt of ever being able to conceive again, I told Billy... I Want you to pray about it because if we never get pregnant... we need to seriously start the paperwork for adoption. Billy told me... let's try for a couple more months and then have one more. After that we can adopt our fourth baby. He seemed so confident and I felt so discouraged and bratty. I was hoping so hoping... that God heard my cries, my pleads and my prayers.
Now here we are on the other side of my husband listening to the Lord. Here I am 11 weeks pregnant. Sick as a dog, but preganant with our 3rd child. It is truly an answer to the prayers of my heart. How mind you... if we did not get pregnant and God would have us adopt the next two... then we would have done it in a heartbeat, but God is also teaching me about listening to my husband's heart on things... and trusting that God is speaking to him and guiding him as well. It is so cool to watch it all work in our lives.
So even though I post all these whiny posts about my sickness and feeling gross.. Please know that I am the happiest sick girl in Durango. Please also be encouraged that if you are ever in despair or frustrated during a tough time in your life... that just like Linn told me.... the God of the universe is closer to your heart than you will ever be able to understand. Be honest with him. Pray to him... and he will see you through to the other side... to the light he promises us and tell him what you need... he will give it to you in his timing. Praise the Lord Jesus for answering our prayers. This is not something I did... but something he desired for us and has his hands all over. Thank you Lord Jesus for your love no matter what.
Well, Christmas was yesterday and what a wonderful Christmas it was. Presents were opened, BK made his ultimate super delicious monkey bread and we ate lots of yummy food made by my awesome Mom to end the day on a sweet little note. This Christmas was special, because we were blessed with Jinny to stay the night Christmas Eve and hang with our family on Christmas day. Now if any of you know a child's reaction to jinny spending the night... it's like you just told them that Santa himself was spending the night. It brought shrieks of joy and excitement from my children! Here is what I am thankful for this Christmas.
1. For my friend Jinny. She is a special woman... who I am blessed to call a friend and sister.
2. For my husband who loves to cook and makes yummy treats.
3. For my Mom who spent the day getting a HUGE meal put together and made JESUS the focal point in her home this Christmas.
4. For my amazingly cute niece Ari dancing while my brother jammed on his guitar. She entertained us all!
5. For Jesus and how he entertains and loves me every day.
6. For my brothers who are so different and so incredible each in their own special way.
7. For my Dad who is a Grandpa who "listens" when my kids want to tell him something very important.
8. For my fireplace and kindling and wood. Nothing beats a warm fire blazing while laying around and resting on Christmas day.
9. For the grace I gave myself this Christmas. My own special Christmas present... making it ok not to do "everything" and still have an awesome Christmas.
10. For the tons and tons of snow that fell... which in turn made people slow down and really enjoy this Christmas together.
I have been very sick as you all know. So sick that doing anything beyond getting myself dressed in the morning feels like a lot of work. Our house has not been "blessed" or cleaned in a "few" weeks... which with two small children is NOT a good thing. It has been clutter and laundry o rama in our house. Billy has been talking to me about how the children need to pick up their things and I keep explaining to him that the children will not pick up their things if they do not see examples of said "older adults" and "parental figures" picking up their things. They need to be told what is expected, have a place for their things and we as parents need to create an environment that empowers them to clean up. Mind you these "said parental figures" are BK and I. We often will neglect the home to watch Survivor or neglect a good house blessing to hang out and cook together or neglect "chores" so we can just chill and relax. I work part-time and BK works full time any time we have together is precious... so we usually choose "other" things over chores and housework. That's just how we "roll." BK and I have also been talking about how sometimes women don't WANT to do it ALL. We want a prince to come in and save us, help us, make our lives a little easier with their knowledge, th eir strength or better yet.. their assistance. These two conversations sparked something beautiful... something that unfolded before me like a fairytale and as it happened I smiled and thanked God for my awesome prince. Tonight he: sorted ALL the laundry... started new loads of laundry... PUT AWAY his folded laundry and had the kids put away their laundry and pick up their room. He picked up HIS things and vacummed our bedroom. I started dinner and he finished it and served it to the kids. We washed dishes together and this family worked together as a team to make this house "truly blessed." I told BK that the help he gave me in the house tonight was a VERY good thing. (wink wink) He is my prince. My prince and my knight in shining armor... who knew that "saving" me from a cluttered and messy house and leading his family by example... could fill my heart so... and they lived happily ever after.
Anger... hmmm... nice thought this Christmas. I have a "Flair" (Facebook button) that says, "Get out of my happy place or I'll rip your arm off." And in my own warped mind... that's how I feel sometimes. I'll be having a really good day, propelled by my love for God just going about my day thinking about how great life is... and then WHAM... someone says something or does something that just interupts my happiness. Now mind you, I have never ripped anyone's arm off... but I can tell you that I've thought about it and even imagined beating them with it! (just kidding... I like to be dramatic too)
But I have been really praying and thinking about this concept of the "anger" emotion. God gets angry. So do I. So I am sure he gets where I am coming from. Sometimes Christians can be perceived as "wimps" because we do try to be "slow to anger" and love as much as possible. I am a Christian yes, I love the Lord, yes, I experience joy, yes... but how do you communicate to someone they have made you so angry.. without hurting them? What does "slow to anger" look like? How slow is slow.. because I know I can go from zero to angry in .5 seconds.
Now mind you... because I've asked the Lord to help me in this area he is stretching me, showing me a few things. Mostly that when I am super angry that I should not speak any words, until I have calmed down. It does not diminish my anger or frustration. But it prevents me from hurting someone else out of anger.
Secondly, how do I "commuinicate" to someone my perspective on why or what they did to make me angry. How did they take me out of that happy place... why did it propel me into anger? This is the part I am working on with God... so far I got nothing. Here are some of my more secular ideas on how to approach or communicate with that person:
"Ummmm... can I politely talk to you about how I wanted to rip your arm off yesterday?"
"Are you the devil? Because you sure acted like him yesterday?"
"Who peed in your Cheerios buddy?"
"Your mean... go away"
I seriously don't know a good way to do it. So I just keep praying... Lord. Provide me with opportunities to speak the truth in love (even when I want to rip their arm off and beat them with it ;)
Wow, I have so much to be thankful for this Christmas season.(I'm going to cry - go figure - hormones are a raging :)
1. I am thankful that we ALL have an amazing God who created us so specially for each other. I am thankful that God listens to me... no matter what. He truly knows the desires of my heart and wants all good things to come to my life. I am so so thankful. He is there in the good... and in the bad... I am so blessed by the God who created me.
2. I am thankful for this pregnancy. I am thankful for the life inside of my body. I do not know whether this baby will be a boy or girl, whether it will be healthy, whether it will have brown or blonde hair. But I am so so thankful that it is growing stronger each day and it's life is so special. I am thankful that this child one day will touch the hearts of others and know love... yeah.
3. I am thankful that my friends Linn and Dw are back from Africa with their two new babies. www.aplacecalledsimplicity.blogspot.com. I am thankful that they are safe and the kids are here in Colorado. I can't wait to celebrate their new family with them.
4. I am thankful for medicine... when I need it most. For awesome doctors and nurses who are trained to care for others and do it with intelligence and love.
5. I am thankful for 2 feet of snow in my yard and the cool cozy feeling it brings when it's all around us.
6. I am thankful for being able to "build a fire" (I believe... better than most on Survivor)
7. I am thankful that my little brother made it home safe from New York.
8. I am thankful for my dog Tid Bit
9. I am thankful for my health.
10. I am thankful for all of my awesome Christmas ornaments from friends and family to remember them at Christmas when we put up our tree.
Ok... I have not posted in quite some time due to this very important announcement. Any ounce of energy I have is prioritized and spent on the things I need to get done. (ie brush my teeth, get dressed, take care of my children and love my husband etc etc.) I can say that even the things I prioritize are not happening as perfectly as I would like them to.
I am 9 weeks pregnant today. This is a big deal in the Kline family. My sweet husband has dreamed of a family with four children for a very long time. We were pregnant last year at at 6 weeks had a miscarriage. It was a hard time for us as we did not have previous complications with pregnancies so we had lots of questions and frustrations. We prayed a lot and talked a lot about our next steps for this family. We discussed adoption because it is something that is huge on my heart. There are many kids who need a mom and a Dad and for whatever reason do not have one. As we prayed and talked, Bill really felt like we should keep trying to have one more baby.
Well praise the Lord... it happened. Please keep in mind that the Lord and I had many arguments over what happened last time, I was furious, sad, frustrated confused and a ton of emotions. I never realized how much I did not "feel" like I was done having children and that I could see Grace and Toby welcoming a new baby into our family. It was a dream that was on my heart that I wanted to see happen.
We are counting every day as precious in this pregnancy. We thank God for keeping this baby healthy. In the mean time my friends... I am sick as a dog. I can barely keep anything down and food is my enemy right now. (never in my life would I ever consider food an enemy... I LOVE FOOD!) I can handle watered down apple juice and cereal and after that... I am ok in the morning. Feel great right when I wake up. After that... it's touch and go and not fun at all. I ended up going to the emergency room last week because I was dehydrated... they gave me two bags of IV saline and some nausea medicine. It was awesome. I have an appt with my doctor on Thursday to figure out what's up. The coolest part was that in the emergency room the doc did an ultrasound of the baby to just check the heartrate. Sounded great. Looked good. He said all he could confirm at this point was that there was a good heartbeat.
We waited as long as possible to tell our children. Grace was upset that the last pregnancy never came to pass. She even questioned me as to whether or not this one would actually grown inside me long enough to become a baby. (my daughter is very wise). I had to be honest with her and tell her that life is delicate and it takes a long time for everything to happen inside Mommy's body and we would just pray that God keep the baby healthy. So we rejoice for this awesome news. We look forward to our new family and we pray that I can make it through each day hydrated, fed and nourished.
As we wait in anticipation of this awesome cool answer to prayer. We ask that you just pray that this baby remains healthy and we manage all the details well. Hormones, sickness, exhaustion in a Mom can take it's toll on me and my family. All prayers are welcome. love, jen
Last night, my awesome friend Meghan spoke at our women's ministry Christmas party. She spoke about how we have this glory and hope inside of us because of Jesus Christ. Because he died on the cross and because I live to seek a deeper relationship with him I have it. It is part of the deal when you begin your friendship and spiritual walk with the Lord. I have been moved by my friend and pastor Linn Saunders since I moved here three years ago. (see her blog at www.aplacecalledsimplicity.blogspot.com) They are passionate and self proclaimed adoption addicts. :) What I love about this addiction they have is that they blow all preconceived notions about adoption and orphans out of the water. They tell you point blank... you will not regret helping children who in most cases have not known the love of a parent or family. Can you imagine? Family is so important and so vital so so much of life. These kids did not CHOSE to be orphans. They have no options, but to sit and wait and pray that their "Mom and Dad" come and get them. Dwight and Linn have adopted a lot of children and plan to adopt more. They are in their 50's and know the life they could give a child is more important than any trip they could take to Bora Bora, any bling they could throw around their necks, any fancy cars or whatever.
As I read their blog... I think about my life. I am approaching 40 years old. How am I going to spend the rest of my life? Am I going to spend it worrying about what I have to have and what I don't have? Am I going to spend it worrying about my wants and spend my money to get myself more and more "stuff?" And when I get to heaven and I stand before my Lord and Savior, what will I have to show for this awesome life he has given me? How did I give to others? Did I truly see people around me and their needs? Did I look into the eyes of a child with no Mom or Dad and say... "I'm sorry... I'm too busy or too broke or too worried about a life that looks "perfect?" I sure hope not.
I love kids, I love my own kids, I am one big kid. I see the pain in some kids eyes when they are only 6-12 years old. I've seen high school kids think they are worthless? Can I make a difference now? As I approach 40? Will I give generously and find needs and teach my kids about giving? I sure hope so. Because I think living with Hope and Glory means you are empowered... no matter what your circumstances or emotions tell you... to step out, take risks, see the need and go after it. I am praying that God just blast me off into the stratosphere with this next phase of my life. That I am living with HIS hope and glory. With which... I can do anything. :)
Many times I need to check my attitude. There are days where I walk around my cluttered home and huff and puff and think about how much work needs to be done and how there are not enough hours in the day and how hardworking I am and how my house should be cleaner and I am not organized enough or good enough with time management... blah blah blah.
Last night, as I took care of my sick daughter and put my son to bed, I kept walking past this barbie dress that had been sitting on our stairs for about 3 days. My daughter took it out and my son had probably flung it around the room and my husband had stepped on it about 5 trillion times on our way upstairs... and there it sat. Each time I walked by it I kept wondering I wonder who is going to recognize that thing needs to be put away. No one did. :) As I picked it up last night to bring it into Grace's room where normally I would huff and puff and grumble I thought to myself... I am so thankful my daughter has a dress for her Barbie and that I have a daughter who loves to play with her Barbies. I am thankful she only has the flu and I am thankful that I have a beautiful son and a husband who works hard. I have to tell you that I've heard other people say these kinds of things and had never experienced that feeling myself... God is working in my heart and my soul. He is showing me what it means to check myself, my attitude and appreciate the unbelievable goodness in my life.
Here is what I am thankful for this Thursday...
1. My awesome husband. Who is hardworking, loving, supportive and super duper cute. 2. The view I have of the mountains and the stars at night. 3. God's totally specific love for me and the numerous ways he shows me love. 4. My friends and my family. This community of people I have that support and love this family of mine. 5. Good recipes and girls who share them. Many Mom's and Dad's... over years and years have perfected meals to serve to their families to show love. 6. Date nights and Game nights... that fuel my relationships 7. My computer so I can blog and email. :) 8. Good friends and family back in Minnesota and Iowa and the midwest in general. They are the reason we keep going back. 9. My bro in New York. Who loves my kids and is inspired by them. 10. My Bible. It inspires me and gives me a glimpse into how much I have to learn.. and how much I am loved.
God is good. I am writing this blog to reflect on how that looks in my life, I am a Mom a sister a friend and a wife. And above it all I am a child of God. How awesome is that? I started this blog to be able to reflect on what that journey looks like. God has big things in store for this family of mine. I am just here to share my story.