At the mountaintop

Although I have horrendous morning sickness... I am layed out horizontal most of the time and cry sometimes because I am so sick of being sick. I want to take a walk to the highest mountain in Durango(which I'll wait til my 2nd trimester) and shout out to the world how awesome God has been in my life. You have to understand... this pregnancy is so desired... so wanted... so part of my heart. As noted before and many of you know.. I had a miscarriage last year. I really thought I had grieved and prayed and talked to God about everything I was feeling about the pregnancy until it came time for when the baby "should have" been born. All of these feelings of anger towards God and towards my life and towards the desires of my heart that had not been fulfilled... just came bubbling out. I yelled at God, I cried so hard... I thought I was going to hyperventalate... I just let it rip. I even said "GOD! YOU KNOW how much this means to Billy... YOU KNOW... how much we want one more of our own... and you LOVE US... so what the heck... I felt like a brat... but I had to tell him how I really felt. I thought that I had never been closer to God.. before that so I thought... how could you abandon me during such an important time? I looked for my answers from my good friend and pastor Linn. One thing she told me is that in the toughest times of our life... God is drawing us near. He is closer than we could ever imagine... He is listening and loving us through it all. It made sense to me... so I thought... since we're so close, I am going to read my Bible, have very HONEST converstations through prayer and really talk to God like my friend who understood it all. Now mind you... when I was angry with God.. It was during months were BK and I were still trying to have a baby. Where every month... I would pray that I could get past the fifth week of the month... and miss my period... and every month... it showed up like clockwork. I thought... this is it. My body will just not produce anymore children, we talked about adoption... we prayed that GOd just be in the middle of it and guide us.



Billy forEVER has told me he wants to have four kids. I've always told him he is crazy... but he has been in prayer and talking to God and knows that he knows we will have four kids. In my doubt of ever being able to conceive again, I told Billy... I Want you to pray about it because if we never get pregnant... we need to seriously start the paperwork for adoption. Billy told me... let's try for a couple more months and then have one more. After that we can adopt our fourth baby. He seemed so confident and I felt so discouraged and bratty. I was hoping so hoping... that God heard my cries, my pleads and my prayers.

Now here we are on the other side of my husband listening to the Lord. Here I am 11 weeks pregnant. Sick as a dog, but preganant with our 3rd child. It is truly an answer to the prayers of my heart. How mind you... if we did not get pregnant and God would have us adopt the next two... then we would have done it in a heartbeat, but God is also teaching me about listening to my husband's heart on things... and trusting that God is speaking to him and guiding him as well. It is so cool to watch it all work in our lives.

So even though I post all these whiny posts about my sickness and feeling gross.. Please know that I am the happiest sick girl in Durango. Please also be encouraged that if you are ever in despair or frustrated during a tough time in your life... that just like Linn told me.... the God of the universe is closer to your heart than you will ever be able to understand. Be honest with him. Pray to him... and he will see you through to the other side... to the light he promises us and tell him what you need... he will give it to you in his timing. Praise the Lord Jesus for answering our prayers. This is not something I did... but something he desired for us and has his hands all over. Thank you Lord Jesus for your love no matter what.