God's Unending Love...

Well I am not sure if anyone even reads these anymore as I am so not good at keeping up on them. But for me blogging has become a bit therapeutic and so I have a moment today to do it. Here I am.

The past couple of weeks have been very very difficult. I prayed two weeks ago that God would help me understand his love. I understand his provision, protection, I understand pure joy from him and even peace... but do I recognize when he displays his love to me? (as I type... it dawns on me)

My father and I do not have a relationship. When we do communicate with one another, it is strained, business-like and not at all emotional or caring. My Dad comes from a generation of men... (I think) who believe their main responsibility as a father is to provide. Anything beyond that is the job of a mother. My Dad did a good job of providing and protecting and truly cared about me. He taught me right from wrong and some good foundational stuff for life. He taught me how to set goals and achieve them, he taught me how to make a plan and follow it and he believed in me... that I could do it. He believed I could do anything I put my mind to. And for that I am forever grateful.

Today, however my Dad has severed our relationship. As I've mentioned before... I rent from him... so I am his neighbor. We pay our rent ontime, Billy mows the lawn all summer for him, we have helped him with things around the yard as needed. I painted the trim on the house and we installed brand new carpeting in the house. I think I'm a pretty darn good tenant if I do say so myself. But alas... God has a new plan for me and this family of mine. My Dad likes his friends Jack Daniels and Pabst Blue Ribbon more than he likes me and my family. It is an addiction that grips him with all it has.

That being said.. I am grieving. I am grieving the loss of my earthly father. I am sad that it has come to this. I was hopeful for change. For a change in our relationship, for a miracle to heal him. There have been moments in the past four years (and I stress moments) where I have seen my Father... the man who raised me. I'll give you an example. Before I planned the barn party... my Dad came walking out onto the driveway... I was off.. to roll out this huge event. He had his robe on and a coffee mug in hand...he smelled like coffee... he had a twinkle in his eye and he looked at me with an abundance of love. He handed me a cowboy hat he was wearing and told me I could have it. He told me I looked great in it and hoped I had fun at the party. He laughted heartily and warmly. His heart was soft and good. After he walked away, I shot a little arrow prayer up to God and thanked him for moments like that. Most of the time when I am with him however, I do not see that man. I see someone else, someone who is hurt and angry, someone acts like he hates me. Someone who can see nothing but the ways I have wronged him, betrayed him or have let him down. So I'm torn. How am I Christ-like to someone who has hurt me so deeply? How do I forgive? When do I forgive? Can I forgive? For now I will heal.


It will take some time to heal myself and heal the fact my father has rejected me and my family. It will take some time for me to understand God's plan in all of it, but I know our amazing awe inspiring gasp giving God will be faithful in his plan for my life. He already has the plan paved out. Although I cannot see it... it is there and it is good. I just need to continue to pursue Him with all I have. Rely on him with my heart and spirit and seek out his will for my life and the life of my family. I need to release "my plan" and be OK with his. Being in ministry, I have to admit I have talked to other people about doing this. I have sat with friends and have said these words... God has a good plan. But when I need to surrender it all, and rely completely on God to get me to the next step... it is much harder when you are walking it out in your own life.

God loves me. What an amazing gift to begin to unwrap and experience. When left with nothing else on this earth... I can rely on the fact I have a big huge God who created all things wonderful. Who rejoices in me... who loves me just how I need to be loved.