So, I think I've figured out my angst. I've been so EMO lately. I don't like it, I don't understand it and I can't really predict it. I am truly in the most unchartered season of my life. But I think it is a combination of some very big things happening in my family. Growing from 2 to 3 is a challenge, but what was bothering me is that I don't remember the season being "this long" or this hard." But I think one of the toughest things I am challenged with right now is that both of my big kids are enrolled in school. I did not realize how "big" of a job it is to have my kids in school. The amount of support kids need when they are in preschool seems miniscule compared to what happens with all of the variables of when they venture into the public school system. My kids have been pretty sheltered. I have to admit it, We lived in a pretty secluded place in the valley. Not a neighborhood where kids ventured off to their friends homes. My kids played with each other and their friends from church. That's about it. And when we do things as a family we usually do them with other people in the church. The same friends who operate similar to us. They have similar parenting techniques, we agree on some of the same basics. But now, my kids are being influenced by other people. People who don't believe what I believe. Kids who's parents do not teach them the same things I teach them. My kids LOVE their school. Their teachers are great. But I am learning that I have to trust God in this process. These teachers are amazing, they tell me things I never noticed about my kids. They tell me other strengths that are blooming out of them, they point out areas of struggle and partner with me to support my kids. But I HAVE TO be paying attention. It would be very easy to put my kids in school and just have the mentality that the school will do the rest. But I have to ask questions, of my kids and the teachers, I have to be listening, attend meetings, participate and mostly support. I have to watch relationships, make appointments and stand my ground in some scenarios. It is a big job, but one I know is worth it. God did not call me to keep my kids home with me. I know that I am certain having them in the school district now is what he would have me do. But I have this sense of responsibility to support and love the staff and teachers who are investing in my kids. They are good people who want the same things I do for my child. My job is not to critique or criticize HOW they do it, but as a parent to support them while they are doing it.
I take my kids seriously. My family is my number one priority. So I guess I didn't realize how much I would need to invest, sacrifice and contribute to support my kids while they were in school. I didn't realize how having less control over their lives was going to impact me. My kids sometimes have to learn lessons without me hovering over them. They have to fail and face consequences that were not my consequences. They have to succeed and do it on their own. I love my kiddos no matter what they do. It is the kind of love I am beginning to understand, the kind of love I want them to know and the kind of love that will sustain them through their lifetime.
Funny story about Toby:
Today Toby told me that two boys were fighting at recess. They were at a quiet table in the lunch room. Toby walked up to them and told them it was all going to be OK if they have "God in their heart." That "God would help them if they asked him to help." He made the boys promise to be nice to one another and made them shake on it. My son Toby has had HIMSELF in a world of trouble these past couple of weeks... and we have been praying together A LOT. So it warmed my heart when he told me he was ministering to his friends the words I spoke to HIM this week.
So, although I have been a little challenged, frustrated and EMO. I thank you for listening. I thank you for your grace and I pray that God just continues to show me how faithful and loving he is. I can do ALL THINGS through Christ who strengthens me. right?
God is good. I am writing this blog to reflect on how that looks in my life, I am a Mom a sister a friend and a wife. And above it all I am a child of God. How awesome is that? I started this blog to be able to reflect on what that journey looks like. God has big things in store for this family of mine. I am just here to share my story.