So, I am writing this not as a complaint, mostly as a memo, a pondering a point of view. I have been irritated lately. And I have been in a lot of prayer. I have been seeking God, listening and asking Him for guidance. I haven't felt any of the fruits of the spirit. My flesh has been weak. And by weak I mean... crabby, tired, selfish, whiney the list could go on and on. And believe me, I don't like it when I feel this way. Here's the thing and on top of just plain feeling yucky... I've felt GUILTY about feeling yucky. So on top of feeling like I am a gross, tired, yucky, angry, impatient child of God... I was starting to feel really BAD about myself and the fact I could not snap out of it.
Now, MANY factors are feeding into my inability to be spiritually at peace. My pace is so fast. And to be perfectly honest I am still not used to it. I still struggle with it personally and struggle with the fact my family is in it. My 1.5 year old blessing is a lot to handle with two kids in school who have busy schedules and need much more guidance, parenting and time. We are constantly looking at our finances and our money matters. Mind you, I have an amazing and wonderful flexible schedule. By no means is anyone at the church making me feel like I have to operate at 500 miles per hour. It is a pace I put on myself and expectations I carry for my own perception of success. It is all my own doing... (another reason to feel the guilt). I am writing this because I wonder if other women feel the same way and I just need to put this out there.
So, I am a Christian woman... beautifully and wonderfully made. But is it OK for me to NOT BE OK? And just be operating in my flesh and bugged and annoyed and irritated and working through some things with the Lord?
Circa 10 years ago... my husband and I never went to church regularly. We lived in our own little bubble, struggled alone, rejoiced as a couple, mourned as a couple we really never let anyone in unless it was stuff we "wanted" them to see. We kept our friends at a close enough distance to feel close but never was TRULY vulnerable to them to see our "blemishes" the things we struggled with... our hurts and our pains.
I have to say that now that I am HAPPILY involved with a church and a church family... it is tough. It is just darn tooting stinking tough. Because whether we like it or not, people are getting to know us at a deep personal level. A level that requires us to be honest about the good the bad and the ugly of who we are. It requires us to take a look in the mirror and seek God to help us with all of it. It is hard to disappoint people, be honest, be tired, be bugged when I know so many people all around me are going through so much and need to be ministered to while I myself need ministering to.
Thankfully, God has surrounded me with the exact recipe I need to help me walk through this uncomfortable time. I have people who speak truth into my life in a very loving way (modeling this for me in my life) I have people who encourage me, support me and serve alongside me with such passion and excitement I am blown away. I have people who know what a "mess" I am and choose to let me lead them in this church. I have an amazing staff who are patient, give me grace and point out to me my strengths. The reason it is so hard is that for so long I want to make sure the other people around me are comfortable. I am not trusting that God is going to take care of them, love them even when I cannot fully provide them all they need.
But I'm a stinking mess. And truly... it's not fun for me to say... but I better get used to it. Because if I wasn't, I wouldn't need "My Jesus" to walk me through this mess and see me to the other side of it. He will do that... I might get in the way of it here and there... but I am sure he will do it. :)