Created for such a time a this...

Did God ever take you on a journey where no matter what you did you were faced with the same thing or challenge or learning curve over and over again? God is in the business of loving me, teaching me and transforming me. In that process I see him working in my circumstances, my relationships and my life very clearly. Never in my life has it been more uncomfortable. But in this uncomfortable place, I am learning what it means to be a daughter and a child of God.

I have spent much of my life living in a codependent scenario. The role I took on as a child was the person who made, "peace." I had the "level head." I had it together... at least on the outside. On the inside I spent most of my time scrambling panicking and praying that everything I did would set things right, make my life more controllable. Make people around me more controllable or predictable so I had more control of my life. I spent time appeasing people so they could be happy. I spent time conjuring up circumstances that would make everyone "feel" good. On the outside I had all of this "control" but on the inside I was a train wreck praying each choice I made in a day would create good circumstances for myself. It is an exhausting way to live, but it is how I survived.

I can remember getting up early to make my parents breakfast hoping that if we started the day off on a good note... maybe it would stay that way. I can remember cleaning the house for my parents hoping that if the house was clean enough everyone would pull themselves together. At work I would take on a project I didn't believe in. I would agree with people when I totally felt the opposite. A lot of this codependent behavior has filtered into my professional life as well.

I would be in marketing meetings agreeing to do things I did not think were productive to the project. I would watch everyone else engage in passionate discussions about things and think... wow... this is "too" emotionally charged of an argument to have so I am just going to keep my mouth shut. I wanted everyone to be pleased with everything I did so I avoided a "confrontation" as much as possible. I thought other people's peace was more important than my own. At 39 years old I am realizing these very important things. I am thankful that God is showing me how he works in all of this so I can learn, be better and live the awesome life he has set before me.

So now, here I am family of 5, husband full time job in ministry and God is showing me what it means to speak the truth in love. Speak it so others can know where I stand. Speak it with the confidence that even if it does not make the other person "feel" good that God will take care of the other person. Speak it andave a confidence God is going to take care of ALL the details.

My best example of this is my relationship with my father. He is so sick. So broken. So toxic to me. I can't pretend anymore that the relationship I have with him is OK. It's not. It's broken, it's toxic and it's not healthy. So removing it from my life is one of the best things I can do for me and my family. Does it feel good? No. Do I feel like a bad daughter? Yes. Am I mourning the loss of that relationship? Yes. But can I say that I know God is going to take care of him and all of the details of his life? Yes.

I have this big huge awesome God who created me and this life I have. He is FOR ME... he is on MY SIDE. Is is the sin in this world that tries to kill, steal and destroy my life... NOT GOD.

The verses that keep rolling through my head are.. " I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me..." and " this is the day the Lord has made I will rejoice and be glad in it... " and " I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, to prosper you and not to harm you to give you a hope and a future."

So as I walk in this uncomfortable place of standing up for what I believe. For speaking the things my spirit leads me to speak. For letting my yes be yes and my no be no. I will trust that although this is uncomfortable, it is EXACTLY where God has me for this time and this place and I was created for such a time as this.