I will Follow you...

(my picture for Cari...to keep J occupied with cans... love it)

This song has resonated with me lately. For me following Christ has been the most amazing journey I have EVER embarked on. God is bringing me some realizations about some of the pain of my past. What it was, how it impacted me then and how it trickles into my present. When I deal with kids in the youth group and in chidren's ministry it is overwhelming to me. It is overwhelming because I don't think we realize how sensitive and fragile the heart of a child is. When the kids tell me about how their parents degrade them, yell at them, tell them they are worthless, my heart nearly bursts out of my chest. When they tell me that their parent barely talks to them and ignores them emotionally... I'm stunned. When they tell me how they are "taking care of" their parents every day emotionally and physically. I seriously can barely breathe. I have had this overwhelming sense recently as kids have began to trust me more with thier stuff... but here's the deal - I am so overwhelmed because I am RIGHT THERE WITH THEM. I am 40 years old and realizing I don't know how to process how I was treated as a child. I don't know what healthy parent/child boundaries look like. Kevin, our youth pastor talks a lot about breaking out of cycles of the things our parents and generations before us have been wrapped up in. That is where I am. In order not to repeat some of the same things my family has seen for generations,(emotional, physical abuse.) I must press into the Almighty God who created me and break all that yuck that has surrounded my life. And break it for my children's sake. Because of some of the emotional abuse I experienced in my life I have a very hard time with boundaries. The boundaries of what is and is NOT my responsibility in my relationships. The boundaries of what intimacy and real love look like. The boundaries of what a healthy parent/child relationship looks like. What a healthy marriage looks like.

Being in ministry my world is about relationships. My world is about calling upon an Almighty God to help people in their own discovery of pain and path and needing Jesus. I know now that all I am experiencing and feeling and carrying is my own inability to truly hand people over to God. My own perception is that somehow some way I am responsible, included and needed to make it better. I am loved more if I help. I am accepted more if I can "take it from you" and make your progress for you. I can't fathom God doing it without my help, my insight, my hand in it. My perception is that He needs me... not that I NEED HIM.

So... as with all things when God gives me clarity. I press in. I research, I gain wisdom and counsel. I am doing that. He has brought me to this place of a deeper understanding of myself and my pain so HE can do the work.

I am on a path to understanding what it means to love others AND MYSELF in a healthy way that God wants for my life and the life of my family. I look forward to what's next. It is scary to admit I need this kind of help. It is hard to change old patterns and ways of thinking, but I know that I know... He will see me through, every single step of the way.