I will Follow you...

(my picture for Cari...to keep J occupied with cans... love it)

This song has resonated with me lately. For me following Christ has been the most amazing journey I have EVER embarked on. God is bringing me some realizations about some of the pain of my past. What it was, how it impacted me then and how it trickles into my present. When I deal with kids in the youth group and in chidren's ministry it is overwhelming to me. It is overwhelming because I don't think we realize how sensitive and fragile the heart of a child is. When the kids tell me about how their parents degrade them, yell at them, tell them they are worthless, my heart nearly bursts out of my chest. When they tell me that their parent barely talks to them and ignores them emotionally... I'm stunned. When they tell me how they are "taking care of" their parents every day emotionally and physically. I seriously can barely breathe. I have had this overwhelming sense recently as kids have began to trust me more with thier stuff... but here's the deal - I am so overwhelmed because I am RIGHT THERE WITH THEM. I am 40 years old and realizing I don't know how to process how I was treated as a child. I don't know what healthy parent/child boundaries look like. Kevin, our youth pastor talks a lot about breaking out of cycles of the things our parents and generations before us have been wrapped up in. That is where I am. In order not to repeat some of the same things my family has seen for generations,(emotional, physical abuse.) I must press into the Almighty God who created me and break all that yuck that has surrounded my life. And break it for my children's sake. Because of some of the emotional abuse I experienced in my life I have a very hard time with boundaries. The boundaries of what is and is NOT my responsibility in my relationships. The boundaries of what intimacy and real love look like. The boundaries of what a healthy parent/child relationship looks like. What a healthy marriage looks like.

Being in ministry my world is about relationships. My world is about calling upon an Almighty God to help people in their own discovery of pain and path and needing Jesus. I know now that all I am experiencing and feeling and carrying is my own inability to truly hand people over to God. My own perception is that somehow some way I am responsible, included and needed to make it better. I am loved more if I help. I am accepted more if I can "take it from you" and make your progress for you. I can't fathom God doing it without my help, my insight, my hand in it. My perception is that He needs me... not that I NEED HIM.

So... as with all things when God gives me clarity. I press in. I research, I gain wisdom and counsel. I am doing that. He has brought me to this place of a deeper understanding of myself and my pain so HE can do the work.

I am on a path to understanding what it means to love others AND MYSELF in a healthy way that God wants for my life and the life of my family. I look forward to what's next. It is scary to admit I need this kind of help. It is hard to change old patterns and ways of thinking, but I know that I know... He will see me through, every single step of the way.

It's good in the hood.

So, I think I've figured out my angst. I've been so EMO lately. I don't like it, I don't understand it and I can't really predict it. I am truly in the most unchartered season of my life. But I think it is a combination of some very big things happening in my family. Growing from 2 to 3 is a challenge, but what was bothering me is that I don't remember the season being "this long" or this hard." But I think one of the toughest things I am challenged with right now is that both of my big kids are enrolled in school. I did not realize how "big" of a job it is to have my kids in school. The amount of support kids need when they are in preschool seems miniscule compared to what happens with all of the variables of when they venture into the public school system. My kids have been pretty sheltered. I have to admit it, We lived in a pretty secluded place in the valley. Not a neighborhood where kids ventured off to their friends homes. My kids played with each other and their friends from church. That's about it. And when we do things as a family we usually do them with other people in the church. The same friends who operate similar to us. They have similar parenting techniques, we agree on some of the same basics. But now, my kids are being influenced by other people. People who don't believe what I believe. Kids who's parents do not teach them the same things I teach them. My kids LOVE their school. Their teachers are great. But I am learning that I have to trust God in this process. These teachers are amazing, they tell me things I never noticed about my kids. They tell me other strengths that are blooming out of them, they point out areas of struggle and partner with me to support my kids. But I HAVE TO be paying attention. It would be very easy to put my kids in school and just have the mentality that the school will do the rest. But I have to ask questions, of my kids and the teachers, I have to be listening, attend meetings, participate and mostly support. I have to watch relationships, make appointments and stand my ground in some scenarios. It is a big job, but one I know is worth it. God did not call me to keep my kids home with me. I know that I am certain having them in the school district now is what he would have me do. But I have this sense of responsibility to support and love the staff and teachers who are investing in my kids. They are good people who want the same things I do for my child. My job is not to critique or criticize HOW they do it, but as a parent to support them while they are doing it.

I take my kids seriously. My family is my number one priority. So I guess I didn't realize how much I would need to invest, sacrifice and contribute to support my kids while they were in school. I didn't realize how having less control over their lives was going to impact me. My kids sometimes have to learn lessons without me hovering over them. They have to fail and face consequences that were not my consequences. They have to succeed and do it on their own. I love my kiddos no matter what they do. It is the kind of love I am beginning to understand, the kind of love I want them to know and the kind of love that will sustain them through their lifetime.

Funny story about Toby:

Today Toby told me that two boys were fighting at recess. They were at a quiet table in the lunch room. Toby walked up to them and told them it was all going to be OK if they have "God in their heart." That "God would help them if they asked him to help." He made the boys promise to be nice to one another and made them shake on it. My son Toby has had HIMSELF in a world of trouble these past couple of weeks... and we have been praying together A LOT. So it warmed my heart when he told me he was ministering to his friends the words I spoke to HIM this week.

So, although I have been a little challenged, frustrated and EMO. I thank you for listening. I thank you for your grace and I pray that God just continues to show me how faithful and loving he is. I can do ALL THINGS through Christ who strengthens me. right?

Is it OK to be NOT OK?

So, I am writing this not as a complaint, mostly as a memo, a pondering a point of view. I have been irritated lately. And I have been in a lot of prayer. I have been seeking God, listening and asking Him for guidance. I haven't felt any of the fruits of the spirit. My flesh has been weak. And by weak I mean... crabby, tired, selfish, whiney the list could go on and on. And believe me, I don't like it when I feel this way. Here's the thing and on top of just plain feeling yucky... I've felt GUILTY about feeling yucky. So on top of feeling like I am a gross, tired, yucky, angry, impatient child of God... I was starting to feel really BAD about myself and the fact I could not snap out of it.

Now, MANY factors are feeding into my inability to be spiritually at peace. My pace is so fast. And to be perfectly honest I am still not used to it. I still struggle with it personally and struggle with the fact my family is in it. My 1.5 year old blessing is a lot to handle with two kids in school who have busy schedules and need much more guidance, parenting and time. We are constantly looking at our finances and our money matters. Mind you, I have an amazing and wonderful flexible schedule. By no means is anyone at the church making me feel like I have to operate at 500 miles per hour. It is a pace I put on myself and expectations I carry for my own perception of success. It is all my own doing... (another reason to feel the guilt). I am writing this because I wonder if other women feel the same way and I just need to put this out there.

So, I am a Christian woman... beautifully and wonderfully made. But is it OK for me to NOT BE OK? And just be operating in my flesh and bugged and annoyed and irritated and working through some things with the Lord?

Circa 10 years ago... my husband and I never went to church regularly. We lived in our own little bubble, struggled alone, rejoiced as a couple, mourned as a couple we really never let anyone in unless it was stuff we "wanted" them to see. We kept our friends at a close enough distance to feel close but never was TRULY vulnerable to them to see our "blemishes" the things we struggled with... our hurts and our pains.

I have to say that now that I am HAPPILY involved with a church and a church family... it is tough. It is just darn tooting stinking tough. Because whether we like it or not, people are getting to know us at a deep personal level. A level that requires us to be honest about the good the bad and the ugly of who we are. It requires us to take a look in the mirror and seek God to help us with all of it. It is hard to disappoint people, be honest, be tired, be bugged when I know so many people all around me are going through so much and need to be ministered to while I myself need ministering to.

Thankfully, God has surrounded me with the exact recipe I need to help me walk through this uncomfortable time. I have people who speak truth into my life in a very loving way (modeling this for me in my life) I have people who encourage me, support me and serve alongside me with such passion and excitement I am blown away. I have people who know what a "mess" I am and choose to let me lead them in this church. I have an amazing staff who are patient, give me grace and point out to me my strengths. The reason it is so hard is that for so long I want to make sure the other people around me are comfortable. I am not trusting that God is going to take care of them, love them even when I cannot fully provide them all they need.

But I'm a stinking mess. And truly... it's not fun for me to say... but I better get used to it. Because if I wasn't, I wouldn't need "My Jesus" to walk me through this mess and see me to the other side of it. He will do that... I might get in the way of it here and there... but I am sure he will do it. :)

Here it comes!

The 2nd Annual Durango Daddy Daughter Dance is coming! I am the lucky recipient of the title of event coordinator to bring together an amazing event at our church that honors the relationship between a Dad and daughter. This year's theme came from another Taylor Swift song that one of my amazing teachers Ashley told me about. It is called, Never Grow Up.

Last year we had an awesome turnout of over 185 Dads and daughters flood our sanctuary. I am meeting with the team of people who will help with various areas of the event next week. My daughter has already found, picked out and we've purchased the dress she is going to wear. My husband is thrilled to take his sweet girl again. As she fast approaches eight years old he is so excited to honor her and the relationship they have.

I am AGAIN getting a little melancholy. Love the event. Love planning it coordinating the theme, decorations, directing teams, praying for it, promoting it. I'm totally excited. I love projects like these because they start at one point... and they have an amazing satisfaction. I get to "be" or hang out at the event ( I hid from my daughter and her friends last year) but to watch little girls dance with, chat with and eat with thier Daddies is awesome.

I emailed my Dad the other day. I told him I loved him. I do. I wanted him to know it, because it's true. Anyway, listen to this awesome song. I can't wait for this really cool event. :) Peace, Jen

My Mom

My Mom has come to visit us this Christmas. She is actually staying with us in our home. She is a blessing to all who meet her and there is NO ONE like her. I repeat. NO ONE. She is an individual and perfectly and wonderfully made for me and my family. I am even more blessed because she is spending the week with my kiddos while I go to work. I cannot explain how much the kids love it when she comes. She really doesn't have to do anything other than wear her Spongebob Squarepants pajamas, snuggle them and read to them and encourage them. They adore her.

After we moved away from my Dad and my brothers headed back to Wisconsin, it was a struggle and a process in missing my family. My Mom lives in New Mexico most of the time but comes back to see us often. But there is something about having your family with you on Christmas that makes it extra special.

Christmas time is a time for showing one another the grace and love God gives us. It is a time for words that speak life into peoples lives. It is a time for giving of gifts. Homeade gifts, gifts of words, gifts of service, gifts of quality time and most important gifts of love. My Mom is that gift to me.

It's kind of tough to have QT with her right now with the kiddos interupting our chats, but we're getting them in. We pour each other a cup of coffee and visit. We laugh. We hug. She is the BEST gift giver in all the world. She remembers anything you have ever said you wanted, needed or thought about and somehow they are all magically located under the tree Christmas morning. We painted nails yesterday... she allowed grace to paint her nails red, white and green. They were supposed to be stripes but turned out to be smudges of each color. Yet she admires them with love. My daughter made her coffee this morning. Wanting nothing more than to be near her Grandma.

So this Christmas I am relishing and enjoying the time I get to spend with my Mom. Making every moment count and enjoying the time I get to spend with her. What a blessing she is to us.

A prayer answered and a special Christmas gift...

I have to tell you a sweet thing my husband just came home and told me. If you remember, this year we had to give our sweet Tid Bit to the animal shelter. Our sudden move to a new rental made it impossible for us to keep her. Our schedules were that we are never home. When we lived on my Dad's land, she could run around and play with my Dad and his other dogs. She would be alone in our house, bored and frankly she was too smart of a dog to just have hang around.

This was a tough decision for BK and I. G and T LOVED her very much. She grew up with them and was a very special part of our family. But because we did not have much time with her, she had a hard time listening to us, did not know what to expect and most of the time was utterly confused about what we wanted.

The new rental is also very close to a busy road where we get lots of traffic. I feared the thought of TidBit getting out of our home and running into the street.

Anyway, BK and I took her to the animal shelter and all I could do was pray. I asked God to bring her to a family or a couple who would be able to love her, spend time with her and thoroughly enjoy her. She is SUPER FAST. I always wanted to get her in an agility training or something. She is part "heeler" so she needed a job to do. Something she knew she was good at.

Anyway, I followed up with the shelter after I dropped her off. They had a home and garden fair at the Fairgrounds and the animal shelter featured TidBit as one of the dogs to adopt at a booth they had at this event. MANY people came to look at her and thought she was great. When I called the shelter about a week later, the lady told me that she in fact was adopted by a couple who saw her at the fairgrounds and came back to the shelter to inquire about her. I was thrilled. No kids. TidBit would be the center of their world. Praise God. I told the kids and even though it was good news it was hard for them to hear. They didn't care if TidBit found a great home, they wanted TidBit to be their dog still.

Yet, God is even more faithful. When I prayed, I asked God to give her a full life. I cried when BK dropped her off. She was special. I just prayed other people saw what I knew about her to be true.

Anyway, today BK was at the Mall and found out from our old neighbor that friend of her adopted TidBit. That she is now a certified Therapy dog for people in the hospitals, hospice and little children. She sits with kids while they read her books, she visits sick grandmas and grandpas in the nursing homes and she visits hospitals where people need a friendly dog to greet them.

BK are so excited for her. We haven't told the kids because again we don't think they would appreciate it yet. But we will. This is a sweet little Christmas prayer answered. A reminder to me of a God who knows the little things in my heart that I desire and meets me right where I am at.

Thank you God for giving our puppy an amazing home and a new "job". Thanks for the reminder of your sweet love. May I never forget how unfailing, specific and good it is. Merry Christmas.

Authentic Me

: true to one's own personality, spirit, or character

worthy of acceptance or belief as conforming to or based on fact.

I've always considered myself to be an authentic person. You get what you get. I am who I say I am. I'm not too complex. I admit my mistakes, I wear my emotions on my sleeve, I do not care much what others think about me. I grew up in the midwest. You have to be a little bit tough to live there. Winters are harsh. We used to joke in Minnesota that it is hard to make friends there because everyone has all of their already established relationships, in the winter everyone hunkers down with their "peeps" and coming to the state from another place was hard to break into and form close relationships. But that is pretty much how it is. You have to "earn" your way into relationship. You have to "prove" yourself worthy. You have to show that you can "run with the big dogs" before you will gain any ground, respect or confirmation. As I've mentioned in the past, I grew up VERY CODEPENDENT. I was a pleaser. I was the "diplomat." I was constantly looking for ways to help people. I thought it was out of the goodness of my heart. But now I realize it was because I was paralyzed with fear that if I didn't do it, my world would spin out of control. I needed to "create" "force" and "maintain" order. Otherwise I wasn't sure I could survive.

Like I've stated before. I was raised in an awesome home in the suburbs of Milwaukee, I love my family, my home and what my parents taught me. I was taken to church, we had nice things, my Mom and Dad worked their booties off to give us an amazing life as a family. But I believe the minute BK and I decided to surrender our lives to the Lord and call ourselves Christians is the day I started gaining new perspective on God's plan for me. God's intentions for my life and how God wants me to live. I have an audience of ONE.... (no more, no less) and in that HE is giving me insight, revelation, and a deeper understanding of my own heart and what it yearns for, and what it needs. And what he is showing me now is that I need AUTHENTICITY. I need to be more authentic.

All the time I've spent "playing" peacemaker, has not prepared me for this day. An authentic Christian TELLS you what they want, what they expect, what they know to be true. An authentic Christian may not agree with you but will tell you how they feel and still want to be united in relationship with you. An authentic christian is not AFRAID of how other people will act, what they will do or what they might say. They wholely and completely trust the Lord to take care of everyone else.

I think what people can't stand about Christians is the facade that we are all SO... OK. That we are like flippin Mr. Rogers. How many of us would one time have liked to see Mr. Rogers chuck his shoe across the room and demand a different style?

Walking with Jesus is a journey and to be perfectly honest it may take me my entire life to get a COUPLE of the fruits of the spirit... but it's totally OK with God. It may take me a while to learn how to talk to my husband or my kids or my friends, but it's the journey I am on with God. I've stuffed a lot of crap over the years. (God loves me even though I say crap)
I know when it's happening. I do it to spare people the agony of having to "deal with" me. But God is showing me that it's not my job to spare people. It's not my job to tip toe around their issues. It's not my job to pacify, soothe and stroke everyone else around me. It is my job to love them yes. But not my job to make their lives OK.

So... as I seek to learn with authenticity looks like and watch how it plays out in my life. I will remember that God is the only audience member I have. He is the most important and where the rest of this journey takes me is up to Him.