The Kline Family

My perspective's changing...

2011-06-09T07:33:00.000-07:00

I have to say, that although I am being stretched spiritually right now I am so excited at what God has in store. He is putting big things on my heart for riverKIDS, He is showing me new things about myself (how incredibly selfish and yucky I can be) and He is revealing more to me about his love than I have ever understood or fathomed. So with that being said, I think I'm doing all right.

I met with our senior pastor's wife Miss L.... she has an incredible blog and she has been very inspirational to me in my walk with the Lord. But we had coffee the other day. Miss L has loads of kids a HUGE heart for the orphan and a passion to see all of the orphans all over the world experience the love of family. And let me tell you, when I say passionate, she is passionate. It is one of the things I most admire her for. That she makes no apologies for what God is showing her, she is so obedient to Him. Anyway, she has adopted children from Africa, Korea and China, she has also adopted here in the United states and has 10 kids! I don't know how she did it, has done it or continues to do it, but she does. It's a wonderful gift God has given her to have a heart for orphans and to tell the world. When she adopted I from China... God moved mightily in my heart for Him. I never grew in my spiritual walk as much as I did when I was praying on behalf of Isaiah. God gave me my prayer language, I saw his amazing power and love for this orphan and God literally changed the mind of the Chinese government to provide Isaiah a home her in the United States and a family and we are blessed to see him every Sunday.

Anyway, L had been in Uganda in April, she took a team of women there. She has been to orphanages in China. And when I hear her heart for the orphan, it dawned on me. I have NO CLUE what she has seen, what little ones have looked into her eyes. What despair she has witness, what joy she has seen in the midst of devastation. What sadness she has seen in the hearts of little children. I have never been there, I have no clue. I don't think the majority of Americans realize how bad it is in other countries like Africa... and even China for children.

One of my favorite things to do in riverKIDS is to sit with the babies and toddlers and to say the name "Jesus." I love to see the expression on their faces, I love to watch their eyes light up waiting for me to tell them more. Watching them look at me wanting me to say the rest... "loves you." There are millions of kids all over the world who have never heard those words. Who cannot fathom love because they don't have a parent to love them. When L walks into a Chinese orphanage and 30 kids surround her all looking at her like they want to be loved by her... it stamps something on your heart as a Mom. When L walks into the Chinese orphanage to see 60 cribs in one room with many toddlers basic needs being taken care of but hardly any human contact (snuggles, hugs, etc) it leaves a mark on your heart. When L walks down the streets of Uganda and there are street kids living hour by hour for their next morsel of food.... it leaves a stamp on your heart.

And we are here, in the USA with SO much. I have caught myself looking at my home and wanting more, needing a bigger tv, a better couch, bigger home. Desiring my life to look like something out of a Pottery Barn catalog. When in other countries there are kiddos out there who just need a place to lay their head and whispered to them they are loved. Hmmmmm.... what's more important to God? My pretty house or what I have done for "the least of these?"

I'm praying about going to Uganda in the Fall. I told Linn that I am not afraid of going there, but afraid of how going there will effect me. What will my spirit do? Will I ache to take a child back with me? I'm kind of a "no holes barred" kind of chick. My poor husband, but when I get something in my brain... I'm a little headstrong at moving forward with it. But what will God show me? What will he call me to do when I know what I know. Who knows... but I'm excited about it. I'm excited to move in what he wants for me. I'm excited to have my perspective changed and I am thankful for Miss L and her passion for what God has called her to tell people.

I only posted some Josie pics for my friend Carie to see. I have been a slacker on Blogspot. Check out Miss L's blog here...

An Epiphany... Breakthrough, Freedom... whatever you want to call it.

2011-04-29T14:42:00.000-07:00

I've had it. I've had some kind of weird breakthrought that a 39.5 year old woman has. God has been stirring my heart in so many ways lately. So totally crystal clear. I've been listening. I'm on the brink of something big. I can just feel it. I'm not sure if it's a personal breakthrough or a ministry breakthrough or what. But I am starting to have some clarity in areas I have been blind to for years.

I am a 39 year old woman with three children and a husband and I happen to be employed at a church. But my problems are the same as everyone elses, my struggles are real.

I think part of this breakthrough is that I am just "beginning" to understand what it looks like to "love" myself. Does that make sense? I think as Moms we get SO caught up in everyone around us. Our husbands, our kids, our friends, our family, our work, etc. etc. That we lose sight of ourselves. Not in a selfish "do everything for me" kind of way but in a way that honors our feelings, our thoughts our perspectives our hearts. All of it.

I've been struggling with not feeling very healthy and frankly I have gained lots o weight in the past two years. Working full time and finding the time to work out with a family of 5 has been a challenge. I've been stressed so the "eating" part is how I've coped. (let me tell you how wonderful it feels to down a large fry at McDonalds....) But alas as you all know that kind of behavior while delicious for the moment is fleeting. Because it lasts mere seconds.

Today I was at my crazy insane workout class. Led by my 22 year old trainer named Corey. Corey was a body builder and has mad skills with working out. I was in class today and started crying... literally tears rolling down my face. You see, while I was working out I was praying and asking God to give me a verse that would and could sustain me. I was in the middle of ten thousand mountain climbers and squat jumping jacks and I heard... " You are my daughter with whom I am well pleased..." It is my slogan for the year. To believe and know that I He is pleased with me. To begin to understand HIS love so I can love myself and pursue a healthier lifestyle. This will filter into my family being healthy, my husband being healthy and me being healthy.

So there you have it. He is pleased with me. So I am pleased and choose to begin to love myself. I'm so excited to see how this plays out. I know I haven't blogged much lately but I will for sure keep you posted.

Peace. Out.

Jen

I will Follow you...

2011-02-13T05:55:00.000-08:00

(my picture for Cari...to keep J occupied with cans... love it)

This song has resonated with me lately. For me following Christ has been the most amazing journey I have EVER embarked on. God is bringing me some realizations about some of the pain of my past. What it was, how it impacted me then and how it trickles into my present. When I deal with kids in the youth group and in chidren's ministry it is overwhelming to me. It is overwhelming because I don't think we realize how sensitive and fragile the heart of a child is. When the kids tell me about how their parents degrade them, yell at them, tell them they are worthless, my heart nearly bursts out of my chest. When they tell me that their parent barely talks to them and ignores them emotionally... I'm stunned. When they tell me how they are "taking care of" their parents every day emotionally and physically. I seriously can barely breathe. I have had this overwhelming sense recently as kids have began to trust me more with thier stuff... but here's the deal - I am so overwhelmed because I am RIGHT THERE WITH THEM. I am 40 years old and realizing I don't know how to process how I was treated as a child. I don't know what healthy parent/child boundaries look like. Kevin, our youth pastor talks a lot about breaking out of cycles of the things our parents and generations before us have been wrapped up in. That is where I am. In order not to repeat some of the same things my family has seen for generations,(emotional, physical abuse.) I must press into the Almighty God who created me and break all that yuck that has surrounded my life. And break it for my children's sake. Because of some of the emotional abuse I experienced in my life I have a very hard time with boundaries. The boundaries of what is and is NOT my responsibility in my relationships. The boundaries of what intimacy and real love look like. The boundaries of what a healthy parent/child relationship looks like. What a healthy marriage looks like.

Being in ministry my world is about relationships. My world is about calling upon an Almighty God to help people in their own discovery of pain and path and needing Jesus. I know now that all I am experiencing and feeling and carrying is my own inability to truly hand people over to God. My own perception is that somehow some way I am responsible, included and needed to make it better. I am loved more if I help. I am accepted more if I can "take it from you" and make your progress for you. I can't fathom God doing it without my help, my insight, my hand in it. My perception is that He needs me... not that I NEED HIM.

So... as with all things when God gives me clarity. I press in. I research, I gain wisdom and counsel. I am doing that. He has brought me to this place of a deeper understanding of myself and my pain so HE can do the work.

I am on a path to understanding what it means to love others AND MYSELF in a healthy way that God wants for my life and the life of my family. I look forward to what's next. It is scary to admit I need this kind of help. It is hard to change old patterns and ways of thinking, but I know that I know... He will see me through, every single step of the way.

It's good in the hood.

2011-01-14T19:25:00.000-08:00

So, I think I've figured out my angst. I've been so EMO lately. I don't like it, I don't understand it and I can't really predict it. I am truly in the most unchartered season of my life. But I think it is a combination of some very big things happening in my family. Growing from 2 to 3 is a challenge, but what was bothering me is that I don't remember the season being "this long" or this hard." But I think one of the toughest things I am challenged with right now is that both of my big kids are enrolled in school. I did not realize how "big" of a job it is to have my kids in school. The amount of support kids need when they are in preschool seems miniscule compared to what happens with all of the variables of when they venture into the public school system. My kids have been pretty sheltered. I have to admit it, We lived in a pretty secluded place in the valley. Not a neighborhood where kids ventured off to their friends homes. My kids played with each other and their friends from church. That's about it. And when we do things as a family we usually do them with other people in the church. The same friends who operate similar to us. They have similar parenting techniques, we agree on some of the same basics. But now, my kids are being influenced by other people. People who don't believe what I believe. Kids who's parents do not teach them the same things I teach them. My kids LOVE their school. Their teachers are great. But I am learning that I have to trust God in this process. These teachers are amazing, they tell me things I never noticed about my kids. They tell me other strengths that are blooming out of them, they point out areas of struggle and partner with me to support my kids. But I HAVE TO be paying attention. It would be very easy to put my kids in school and just have the mentality that the school will do the rest. But I have to ask questions, of my kids and the teachers, I have to be listening, attend meetings, participate and mostly support. I have to watch relationships, make appointments and stand my ground in some scenarios. It is a big job, but one I know is worth it. God did not call me to keep my kids home with me. I know that I am certain having them in the school district now is what he would have me do. But I have this sense of responsibility to support and love the staff and teachers who are investing in my kids. They are good people who want the same things I do for my child. My job is not to critique or criticize HOW they do it, but as a parent to support them while they are doing it.

I take my kids seriously. My family is my number one priority. So I guess I didn't realize how much I would need to invest, sacrifice and contribute to support my kids while they were in school. I didn't realize how having less control over their lives was going to impact me. My kids sometimes have to learn lessons without me hovering over them. They have to fail and face consequences that were not my consequences. They have to succeed and do it on their own. I love my kiddos no matter what they do. It is the kind of love I am beginning to understand, the kind of love I want them to know and the kind of love that will sustain them through their lifetime.

Funny story about Toby:

Today Toby told me that two boys were fighting at recess. They were at a quiet table in the lunch room. Toby walked up to them and told them it was all going to be OK if they have "God in their heart." That "God would help them if they asked him to help." He made the boys promise to be nice to one another and made them shake on it. My son Toby has had HIMSELF in a world of trouble these past couple of weeks... and we have been praying together A LOT. So it warmed my heart when he told me he was ministering to his friends the words I spoke to HIM this week.

So, although I have been a little challenged, frustrated and EMO. I thank you for listening. I thank you for your grace and I pray that God just continues to show me how faithful and loving he is. I can do ALL THINGS through Christ who strengthens me. right?

Is it OK to be NOT OK?

2011-01-06T08:35:00.000-08:00

So, I am writing this not as a complaint, mostly as a memo, a pondering a point of view. I have been irritated lately. And I have been in a lot of prayer. I have been seeking God, listening and asking Him for guidance. I haven't felt any of the fruits of the spirit. My flesh has been weak. And by weak I mean... crabby, tired, selfish, whiney the list could go on and on. And believe me, I don't like it when I feel this way. Here's the thing and on top of just plain feeling yucky... I've felt GUILTY about feeling yucky. So on top of feeling like I am a gross, tired, yucky, angry, impatient child of God... I was starting to feel really BAD about myself and the fact I could not snap out of it.

Now, MANY factors are feeding into my inability to be spiritually at peace. My pace is so fast. And to be perfectly honest I am still not used to it. I still struggle with it personally and struggle with the fact my family is in it. My 1.5 year old blessing is a lot to handle with two kids in school who have busy schedules and need much more guidance, parenting and time. We are constantly looking at our finances and our money matters. Mind you, I have an amazing and wonderful flexible schedule. By no means is anyone at the church making me feel like I have to operate at 500 miles per hour. It is a pace I put on myself and expectations I carry for my own perception of success. It is all my own doing... (another reason to feel the guilt). I am writing this because I wonder if other women feel the same way and I just need to put this out there.

So, I am a Christian woman... beautifully and wonderfully made. But is it OK for me to NOT BE OK? And just be operating in my flesh and bugged and annoyed and irritated and working through some things with the Lord?

Circa 10 years ago... my husband and I never went to church regularly. We lived in our own little bubble, struggled alone, rejoiced as a couple, mourned as a couple we really never let anyone in unless it was stuff we "wanted" them to see. We kept our friends at a close enough distance to feel close but never was TRULY vulnerable to them to see our "blemishes" the things we struggled with... our hurts and our pains.

I have to say that now that I am HAPPILY involved with a church and a church family... it is tough. It is just darn tooting stinking tough. Because whether we like it or not, people are getting to know us at a deep personal level. A level that requires us to be honest about the good the bad and the ugly of who we are. It requires us to take a look in the mirror and seek God to help us with all of it. It is hard to disappoint people, be honest, be tired, be bugged when I know so many people all around me are going through so much and need to be ministered to while I myself need ministering to.

Thankfully, God has surrounded me with the exact recipe I need to help me walk through this uncomfortable time. I have people who speak truth into my life in a very loving way (modeling this for me in my life) I have people who encourage me, support me and serve alongside me with such passion and excitement I am blown away. I have people who know what a "mess" I am and choose to let me lead them in this church. I have an amazing staff who are patient, give me grace and point out to me my strengths. The reason it is so hard is that for so long I want to make sure the other people around me are comfortable. I am not trusting that God is going to take care of them, love them even when I cannot fully provide them all they need.

But I'm a stinking mess. And truly... it's not fun for me to say... but I better get used to it. Because if I wasn't, I wouldn't need "My Jesus" to walk me through this mess and see me to the other side of it. He will do that... I might get in the way of it here and there... but I am sure he will do it. :)

Here it comes!

2010-12-27T13:25:00.001-08:00

The 2nd Annual Durango Daddy Daughter Dance is coming! I am the lucky recipient of the title of event coordinator to bring together an amazing event at our church that honors the relationship between a Dad and daughter. This year's theme came from another Taylor Swift song that one of my amazing teachers Ashley told me about. It is called, Never Grow Up.

Last year we had an awesome turnout of over 185 Dads and daughters flood our sanctuary. I am meeting with the team of people who will help with various areas of the event next week. My daughter has already found, picked out and we've purchased the dress she is going to wear. My husband is thrilled to take his sweet girl again. As she fast approaches eight years old he is so excited to honor her and the relationship they have.

I am AGAIN getting a little melancholy. Love the event. Love planning it coordinating the theme, decorations, directing teams, praying for it, promoting it. I'm totally excited. I love projects like these because they start at one point... and they have an amazing satisfaction. I get to "be" or hang out at the event ( I hid from my daughter and her friends last year) but to watch little girls dance with, chat with and eat with thier Daddies is awesome.

I emailed my Dad the other day. I told him I loved him. I do. I wanted him to know it, because it's true. Anyway, listen to this awesome song. I can't wait for this really cool event. :) Peace, Jen

My Mom

2010-12-23T08:05:00.001-08:00

My Mom has come to visit us this Christmas. She is actually staying with us in our home. She is a blessing to all who meet her and there is NO ONE like her. I repeat. NO ONE. She is an individual and perfectly and wonderfully made for me and my family. I am even more blessed because she is spending the week with my kiddos while I go to work. I cannot explain how much the kids love it when she comes. She really doesn't have to do anything other than wear her Spongebob Squarepants pajamas, snuggle them and read to them and encourage them. They adore her.

After we moved away from my Dad and my brothers headed back to Wisconsin, it was a struggle and a process in missing my family. My Mom lives in New Mexico most of the time but comes back to see us often. But there is something about having your family with you on Christmas that makes it extra special.

Christmas time is a time for showing one another the grace and love God gives us. It is a time for words that speak life into peoples lives. It is a time for giving of gifts. Homeade gifts, gifts of words, gifts of service, gifts of quality time and most important gifts of love. My Mom is that gift to me.

It's kind of tough to have QT with her right now with the kiddos interupting our chats, but we're getting them in. We pour each other a cup of coffee and visit. We laugh. We hug. She is the BEST gift giver in all the world. She remembers anything you have ever said you wanted, needed or thought about and somehow they are all magically located under the tree Christmas morning. We painted nails yesterday... she allowed grace to paint her nails red, white and green. They were supposed to be stripes but turned out to be smudges of each color. Yet she admires them with love. My daughter made her coffee this morning. Wanting nothing more than to be near her Grandma.

So this Christmas I am relishing and enjoying the time I get to spend with my Mom. Making every moment count and enjoying the time I get to spend with her. What a blessing she is to us.

A prayer answered and a special Christmas gift...

2010-12-19T16:35:00.000-08:00

I have to tell you a sweet thing my husband just came home and told me. If you remember, this year we had to give our sweet Tid Bit to the animal shelter. Our sudden move to a new rental made it impossible for us to keep her. Our schedules were that we are never home. When we lived on my Dad's land, she could run around and play with my Dad and his other dogs. She would be alone in our house, bored and frankly she was too smart of a dog to just have hang around.

This was a tough decision for BK and I. G and T LOVED her very much. She grew up with them and was a very special part of our family. But because we did not have much time with her, she had a hard time listening to us, did not know what to expect and most of the time was utterly confused about what we wanted.

The new rental is also very close to a busy road where we get lots of traffic. I feared the thought of TidBit getting out of our home and running into the street.

Anyway, BK and I took her to the animal shelter and all I could do was pray. I asked God to bring her to a family or a couple who would be able to love her, spend time with her and thoroughly enjoy her. She is SUPER FAST. I always wanted to get her in an agility training or something. She is part "heeler" so she needed a job to do. Something she knew she was good at.

Anyway, I followed up with the shelter after I dropped her off. They had a home and garden fair at the Fairgrounds and the animal shelter featured TidBit as one of the dogs to adopt at a booth they had at this event. MANY people came to look at her and thought she was great. When I called the shelter about a week later, the lady told me that she in fact was adopted by a couple who saw her at the fairgrounds and came back to the shelter to inquire about her. I was thrilled. No kids. TidBit would be the center of their world. Praise God. I told the kids and even though it was good news it was hard for them to hear. They didn't care if TidBit found a great home, they wanted TidBit to be their dog still.

Yet, God is even more faithful. When I prayed, I asked God to give her a full life. I cried when BK dropped her off. She was special. I just prayed other people saw what I knew about her to be true.

Anyway, today BK was at the Mall and found out from our old neighbor that friend of her adopted TidBit. That she is now a certified Therapy dog for people in the hospitals, hospice and little children. She sits with kids while they read her books, she visits sick grandmas and grandpas in the nursing homes and she visits hospitals where people need a friendly dog to greet them.

BK are so excited for her. We haven't told the kids because again we don't think they would appreciate it yet. But we will. This is a sweet little Christmas prayer answered. A reminder to me of a God who knows the little things in my heart that I desire and meets me right where I am at.

Thank you God for giving our puppy an amazing home and a new "job". Thanks for the reminder of your sweet love. May I never forget how unfailing, specific and good it is. Merry Christmas.

Authentic Me

2010-12-17T07:53:00.000-08:00

: true to one's own personality, spirit, or character

worthy of acceptance or belief as conforming to or based on fact.

I've always considered myself to be an authentic person. You get what you get. I am who I say I am. I'm not too complex. I admit my mistakes, I wear my emotions on my sleeve, I do not care much what others think about me. I grew up in the midwest. You have to be a little bit tough to live there. Winters are harsh. We used to joke in Minnesota that it is hard to make friends there because everyone has all of their already established relationships, in the winter everyone hunkers down with their "peeps" and coming to the state from another place was hard to break into and form close relationships. But that is pretty much how it is. You have to "earn" your way into relationship. You have to "prove" yourself worthy. You have to show that you can "run with the big dogs" before you will gain any ground, respect or confirmation. As I've mentioned in the past, I grew up VERY CODEPENDENT. I was a pleaser. I was the "diplomat." I was constantly looking for ways to help people. I thought it was out of the goodness of my heart. But now I realize it was because I was paralyzed with fear that if I didn't do it, my world would spin out of control. I needed to "create" "force" and "maintain" order. Otherwise I wasn't sure I could survive.

Like I've stated before. I was raised in an awesome home in the suburbs of Milwaukee, I love my family, my home and what my parents taught me. I was taken to church, we had nice things, my Mom and Dad worked their booties off to give us an amazing life as a family. But I believe the minute BK and I decided to surrender our lives to the Lord and call ourselves Christians is the day I started gaining new perspective on God's plan for me. God's intentions for my life and how God wants me to live. I have an audience of ONE.... (no more, no less) and in that HE is giving me insight, revelation, and a deeper understanding of my own heart and what it yearns for, and what it needs. And what he is showing me now is that I need AUTHENTICITY. I need to be more authentic.

All the time I've spent "playing" peacemaker, has not prepared me for this day. An authentic Christian TELLS you what they want, what they expect, what they know to be true. An authentic Christian may not agree with you but will tell you how they feel and still want to be united in relationship with you. An authentic christian is not AFRAID of how other people will act, what they will do or what they might say. They wholely and completely trust the Lord to take care of everyone else.

I think what people can't stand about Christians is the facade that we are all SO... OK. That we are like flippin Mr. Rogers. How many of us would one time have liked to see Mr. Rogers chuck his shoe across the room and demand a different style?

Walking with Jesus is a journey and to be perfectly honest it may take me my entire life to get a COUPLE of the fruits of the spirit... but it's totally OK with God. It may take me a while to learn how to talk to my husband or my kids or my friends, but it's the journey I am on with God. I've stuffed a lot of crap over the years. (God loves me even though I say crap)
I know when it's happening. I do it to spare people the agony of having to "deal with" me. But God is showing me that it's not my job to spare people. It's not my job to tip toe around their issues. It's not my job to pacify, soothe and stroke everyone else around me. It is my job to love them yes. But not my job to make their lives OK.

So... as I seek to learn with authenticity looks like and watch how it plays out in my life. I will remember that God is the only audience member I have. He is the most important and where the rest of this journey takes me is up to Him.

Mostly pics

2010-12-15T12:59:00.000-08:00

We are in the midst of Christmas Programs at school this year. Toby had his on Monday. (K - 2nd grade) It was sweet, lots of kids, lots of singing and dancing. It is one of those traditions I was talking about that I love so much. The kids love seeing their friends, performing for family and celebrating as a community. I was SO tired. Josie was ready for bed, but we went and we had fun. Toby was excited to perform for us. Enjoy the pics.

Christmas Traditions

2010-12-13T11:15:00.000-08:00

I love traditions. I love when a family does something 'cause that's just what we do in our family.' I love it. It is what makes a family a family. It is one of the first things you learn about your spouse. The traditions of a family. You can either keep them going or change them or tweak them but having them is always so much fun. Here are a couple of ours... and a couple I'd love to try in years to come.

1. Making Gingerbread houses (Jinny started this with my kids last year and they LOVE it)

2. Picking out and putting up the Christmas tree. Grace seems to be the "pro" at the perfect tree. This year I was wrangling Josie and keeping her warm while we shopped, but she found a beautiful tree that is perfect for our house.

3. Stockings. In MY family we had St. NICK that came on December 5th and filled our stockings... Santa came on the 24th. We never questioned it because if we didn't BELIEVE.. he wouldn't come. And MAN did we want him to COME TO OUR HOUSE! :) We hang and fill stockings on Christmas Eve.

4. Monkey Bread on Christmas Day... it is a gooey mass of deliciousness on Christmas Day that my husband makes for us.

5. Where is Jesus? The nativity is put out before Christmas. However Jesus is not in the manger until Christmas Day. I used to love to come and look at the manger in oour house on Christmas Day. To see the cute little baby Jesus.

6. Watching National Lampoons Christmas Vacation... a tradition in my family. More appropriate for older kids. Our kids are too young to find it funny. Home ALONE is a good one for them now. Also another great Christmas movie.

7. Christmas performance at church, Christmas program at school, Giving tree at school.
8. The Roger Whittaker Christmas music... as well as the Muppets Christmas. LOVE THEM BOTH.

FUTURE THOUGHTS...

I would love to do the following things in the future:

1. Serve at a soup kitchen
2. Mission Trip
3. Birthday party for Jesus.(we are doing this at church on the 19th)
4. Get a forest license and chop down our own tree.

Christmas is GRAND... isn't it?

December Joy...

2010-12-07T18:41:00.000-08:00

Josie via my mobile phone

Josie knowing she's not supposed to DIG in the garbage, but trying to be cute anyway.

I can't remember a time when I've been more excited about Christmas. I can't remember being more elated about celebrating the birth of Christ. It brings me such joy to think about decorating the house, buying a fresh tree and decorating it with the kids and making sure we are all focused on the reason we celebrate this beautiful season and time of year. My husband is healthy, my kids are happy and healthy and we have some of the best friends and family in the world.

I was thinking about some past posts and it kind of makes me giggle how much I went into ministry with barely a smidge of understanding in terms of what God was doing with me to prepare me for this journey. I am being sanctified, stripped of the "old Jen" and being given some revelation about myself that sometimes is not so fun to know. I am giving up control of things... all the while kicking and screaming because it's so uncomfortable. I am learning to trust and love a God with my most precious priority. That which is my family.

In a way, God has said to me... I've got them Jen. You don't have to be ME for them. You just have to be you... and love ME with all your heart. My friend Linn created a blog post about how the disciples threw down their nets and followed Jesus. They dropped everything that mattered to them to follow Him. In many ways I worship my children. I am overly consumed by how I AFFECT how I IMPACT how I TRAIN and how I LOVE THEM. I know it says in the Bible to train a child up in the way they should go. But it also says not to don't WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING PRAY ABOUT EVERYTHING... THANK HIM FOR ALL HE HAS DONE...

So, I'm in this awesome church, being impacted by God in such a personal way, seeking His kingdom here on earth. I'm listening to Him give me a vision, a passion and a burden for children and how much of a big deal they are to Him. I'm leading adults who themselves are learning from Him pressing into Him and being in relationship with me while they serve kids in our church. I'm trusting God with my husband and his health, I'm trusting God with my kids protection in public school and his provision for them in all that they need. I'm learning to manage my time and minister to kids and be honest with people about tough stuff. I'm dropping my nets. And following Him, trusting Him and "PRAYING ABOUT EVERYTHING."

My baby is now one and a half. My husband is on the road to a healthier life with the new medicine he is taking and I am looking forward to the next year and all that comes with it. I am done worrying, done complaining, done wondering. I am doing it. I am not looking back and I am following Him. Jesus, Help me to always follow you. Help me to KNOW that you are who you say you are and that you'll do what you say your going to do. Lord, help me to know you have my kids in your arms, that those plans for them that you had intended are in full force and they will see them through to fruition. God give me peace about riverKIDS and what you want me to do to help reach more kids in Durango. And Lord most of all bring me people who understand what a "BIG DEAL" kids are to you.

I love you Lord. Thanks for this Christmas season. Thanks for putting up with me for so many things... and thanks for reminding me how much you love me.

This Thanksgiving.

2010-11-25T18:12:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving 2010 - Elephant Butte New Mexico

Posting a quick update from New Mexico.

On Monday we traveled about 6.5 hours from Durango to where my Mom lives in Elephant Butte New Mexico. This is a much needed hiatus. MUCH needed time with my family and much needed time to decompress. I am thankful for so much, yet struggling at the same time? Can anyone relate? Maybe it's the holidays... but I believe it is more of a work God is doing in me... a BIG one, that I have yet to understand what it is. I always pray that God keep transforming me, but with that request comes seasons of facing things that aren't fun. Maybe seeing more of my own yuck I need to come to terms with. MORE trusting God. LESS of me. Maybe that's my prayer this year. When I ask God for MORE of Him and LESS of me am I prepared for what that might mean in my life? Am I ready for the sacrifice that comes with it? If I want to be "different" and transformed doesn't it mean that I'll have to do things I have not done before. Explore areas of things I have avoided for so long and TRUST that God will go before me, not forsake me and love me through all of it. The good, the bad, the ugly? Whew?

I've lived a "safe" life for a very long time. I'm stepping out.. trusting Him and thanking God for what's coming.

I pray you all have a great Thanksgiving.

Letters of intent... Oh where did you go?

2010-11-02T14:56:00.001-07:00

I have been meaning to write this letter for some time.

Dear waist,

OK... so I know I have been kind of tough on you the last 8 years. With all the babies inside my body and the stretching, working out, then stretching again, I'll admit you've taken a beating.

I'll also admit that I haven't made proper pant choices and jean decisions in that
I try to squeeze into a smaller jean size than appropriate for my body. It's a weakness I have... God is working on me.

And I know I've had three children and made you carry about 20 lbs of baby around for quite some time... I'm always bending at the waist to pick up things... carry things etc. etc.

But really, why did you have to leave? I miss having a waist! I miss you. I miss how my jeans feel and how my body looks. Having the stature that I do (fun sized) when I don't have a waist I look like a tree trunk. It's just how it is. My vertically challenged body can't afford not to have a waist... so I am begging you to please come back.

Please come back as a miracle. As a work of the Holy spirit in which I would not have to do one Pilates, yoga or cardio move and you would out of nowhere be back with me on my body. I would have curves again... oh what a day that would be.

If you come back to me, I would take you shopping for new jeans that fit me better. I would make Bill pick everything up and I would try not to bend over so much. I am not having anymore children that would put more stress and strain on you so we won't have to worry about that. Oh waist of mine, please also come back as a six pack....what a day that would be when we would be reunited again. From tree trunk to chick with a six pack waist. Ahhhh... how healthy I would feel.

I just wanted to write to you because I miss you and I look forward to a day when we will be reunited again. (did I mention without situps as well?)

Your friend,
Jen

My Love - Thanks for ten awesome years together.

2010-10-28T08:43:00.000-07:00

*This song was going to be the song we were to play at our first dance at our wedding... but I was a "teeny" bit of a Bridezilla and changed it on BK. (I swore I told him) It was the first thing Bill had to adjust to on our first day as a married couple. My tendency to switch the plan... mid plan. ;)

Ten years ago today I married this guy. I can remember when I first started dating him I told my Mom, "He's perfect Mom." I told her there was not one thing wrong with him. He was kind, he was sweet, he had manners, he had a great family, he was a gentleman, he made me laugh and loved to laugh, he had great friends, he worked hard, he had great values and morals. I still believe all those things to be true. I found myself a gem. Neither BK or I are perfect but we really are perfect for each other.

I consider it a pretty awesome accomplishment to be married for ten years. We have been through a lot. We have struggled, individually and as a couple, we have grieved together, we have rejoiced having our three beautiful babies. We have had good and bad financial times, we have had battles of wills, and we carried our own junk into our marriage. But I believe the thing that sustains us most in our marriage is our God. BK and I can attest that when we seek Him earnestly, through prayer or reading the word or just attending our church and hearing from our awesome pastor... he directs our path and it is made much more straight.

It is the same with our marriage. BK and I have not done this solo. We have not made it through adversity by our own strength. We give God all of the glory of how we have made it this far. Without being connected to our source (and each other) it is very difficult to operate in this crazy world in a marriage relationship. I pray for our marriage. That it is protected. I pray for our hearts, that they are softened for each other. I pray that my God give me new eyes to see my husband and that I can be the woman Proverbs 31 talks about.

The thing I loved about Bill when I first met him was his blonde hair, his pure blue eyes and his sweet smile with dimples. As we got to know each other I loved how athletic he was how he played softball and sports and he knew everything there is to know about sports. As we were married I loved that he could fix things that i couldn't and that he knew more about managing money than I did. I loved how much he loves his kids and what a great father he is to them. Now, the thing I love most about Bill is how much he is interested in his faith in God. How he sets an amazing example when some mornings or evenings you will find him sitting with his Bible at the kitchen table eating his breakfast and pursuing God. Having his heart and his spirit stirred by the God who created Him. I still love him for all of the cool things I saw in him from the first day we met, but what a man of God he is. It doesn't get much hotter than that! :)

When we first started dating I called him "My Love." I don't think I ever referred to him at Billy much in the beginning. I would say, what are we doing today "my love." How are you doing "my love." When can I see you again, "my love." He truly is my love of my life. I am blessed beyond words to be married to such a wonderful person.

I love you Billy Kline. Your are my love and my friend. Thanks for being you and knowing me and loving me through all of it.

Thankful Thursday - Overwhelmed with Thanks

2010-10-21T10:18:00.000-07:00

I don't know if it was because I had such a special birthday or that two of my friends came and helped me declutter and organize my office or that I had the privledge of sharing at our youth group last night or that I am just a big mush face, but I am so thankful.

I am thankful for my friends. For my friends who are single, my married friends, for my old friends and new friends. My friendships show me the love of my Jesus. They show me with the twinkle in their eyes, with their laughter. With the tenderness of their hearts and their big huge hugs. They show me Jesus when they want to spend time with me, help me, talk to me, listen to me and just be with me. What a gift they are to me.

I am so thankful for the beautiful place I call home which is Durango, Colorado. Oh my... it's a funny little place. No shopping whatsoever other than Wal Mart. Lots of "hippie" stores and granola, smoke shops, Hookah bars and things that I truly do not know about. It is the land of gear... camping gear, skiing gear, snowboarding gear, biking gear and mountain climbing gear. The leaves on the trees this time of he year are the most unbelievable things I have seen in a long time. So pretty, it blows my mind a little bit.

I am thankful for my Jesus. I talked about Him last night at youth group. I was able to share a little bit about who He has been to me, who he continues to be and how He is building my faith in Him. I was crying on my way into work again today (mush face)in awe of how thankful I am that he has been with me, he loves me, he always has been with me and that I am getting to know Him better and better as each day passes. To those of you who read this and do not have a relationship with Christ... it may sound crazy to have a relationship with a God I cannot see. But in my heart he speaks to me, through my circumstances, he ministers to me, and through his Word he transforms and changes me for His good plan. And I could never be more thankful for something as wonderful as that.

I am thankful for my sweet husband. Who gets sweeter and sweeter with each year. His heart is big... he desires so much good. I love my Billy and I am excited to celebrate the fact we have been married ten years on the 28th of this month. I look forward to many years to come. I love that man of mine! :)

I am thankful for my children. After I drop the big kids off at school and walk Josie to the van. She nuzzles and buries her head in my neck and gives me the sweetest snuggles around. She stays that way for quite a while. Sometimes we just hang out for a minute and snuggle outside of the van showing each other our love in snuggles. We also laugh at our reflections in the van mirror too. Grace is a girl. Just about as girly as they come. Our latest conversations have been about whether or not we should cut her some bangs. She wants them. I am hesitant. BK said to let her hair grow out first. She has good friends at school. Girls she is becoming closer to. However, she can still go in my office closet and have a blast playing "pretend" with her little brother and have just as much fun. I love that they do that. Toby is just that... "Toby". There is no one else like him. The other day I asked him what his favorite part of his day was at school and he told me that he liked it because he got to use a "spork". It's a SPOON and a FORK mom! I think he saw them in one of his favorite Veggie Tale episodes. He constantly says things like that that make me laugh. Love Him.

I am thankful that I "get to" be in a job that allows me to minister to kids and adults alike. That the job I have centers around Christ. That the kids who come to our church are desiring to experience God in a new fun way. That the parents have hearts who are open and are willing to be transformed by his good nature.

This is a good Thankful Thursday. lv, jen

New Pics... - JUST US

2010-10-05T09:11:00.000-07:00

I'm back... for a breather

2010-09-29T07:50:00.000-07:00

Hey all my blog friends (if your still even out there)
It's been some time since my last post. Too long actually. So much has happened I feel I am not doing the blog world justice if I don't get everyone up to speed. But since it's been so long I'll just give a brief synopsis of life in the Kline family circa September. And since my life is now broken into about seven intentional little categories of goodness. I'll update you on all of them.

hubby Bill - Wonderful. Love him. Still being challenged by God on financial stuff. Stewarding money. Being debt free. Living disciplined with joy. Our ten year anniversary is fast approaching. And I can happily tell you all I am so excited for the next ten years. BK is blowing my mind with the man he is to me as well as the amazing father he is to our children. He simply rocks. And the fact that I think he's kinda hot doesn't hurt either. :)

Grace - Grace is in third grade. She is a officially a reader. She escapes into book land whenever she can. She is reading Diary of a Wimpy Kid and Junie B Jones books constantly. She is an expert at homework. We have begun a family "schedule" when we get home from school. Kids do homework first. Then they can play and have the rest of the night free. Grace will do her homework in the van if it means she can have free time. She is Math girl and told me if she could teach a subject (she has the gift of teaching) it would be Math. And this makes my heart swell because in Math class I was always excused to go to my "lower" level math class. So Im loving that she is so into it. The "newness" of Josie has officially wore off. This morning as she was eating her breakfast in bed. (yes. I rock) I heard her ask Bill if he could close her bedroom door so Josie could not come in and try to climb on her bed. Dont' get me wrong. She digs her, but definatley needs her alone time. Grace needs a "thing" we are right now trying to determine what her "thing" might be. She has attended a 4H meeting. I am signing her up for gymnastics at some point this fall and can't wait to see what God is going to do in her life.

Toby - T is in 1st grade. And many of my prayers this school year have been for him. He is boy... ALL boy... and he may have a slight degree of his mother's side of the family ADD... he's dreamy, he is creative and LOVES to talk and do his thing. I'll give you an example. He was washing his hands in the boys bathroom. He put soap on his hands... some of the soap splattered on the mirror... he tried to wipe the soap off of the mirror with his soapy hands... realzing this made a very cool pattern he began to then create ART on the bathroom mirror. Upon the teacher's arrival in the bathroom, she sees toby "playing" in the bathroom and making a mess of the mirrors. These characteristics do not bode well in a classroom environment. So Toby and his Mommy are working through how to navigate life in a school system that needs to teach many children, without squishing the goodness and spirit and esteem of my boy who at time can throw a teacher's "system" all out of wack. HOWEVER, Toby is bright, intelligent, does HIS homework well. Is learning about telling time and counting money and fun things like that. God is teaching me what it means to "support" teachers in the school district. Being open about my perspective while being open to what teachers do in the classroom. Toby is great. And in his case he is LOVING Josie because he loves to watch her learn new things.

Josie - J is unbelievably a go getter. She climbs everything, she eats everything, she touches everything. Nothing is too small too big too hot too cold too sharp too dirty for this girl. She has no fear. Yesterday we were watching a movie as a family and I walked into the kitchen and she is sitting on top of our kitchen table. We have a bench in our kitchen and her favorite spot is to climb up onto the bench and look out the window and scale the bench. But she is a firecracker. She has been having pooping problems lately. I've never experienced this with the other two. Josie "delivers" her poop. She gets consitpated and literally sometimes we have to help her. We are finding the balance of apple juice, peas, pears and milk that all work well together. Poor thing. She is smiley and laughs and giggles and tries to do things her way. I can't wait to see the gifts God has poured into her little spirit and to nurture them.

Pastor/church stuff - This is exciting. We are officially kicked off into a new year of a new ministry and we are making some good progress. We have some new people on the riverKIDS team and I am excited to see them impact kid's lives. We have some die hard servant leaders as well who have perservered through all of this change like troopers. They have made more progress and been so dedicated it warms my heart just thinking about all of the people God has brought to me on the riverKIDS team. I went to Denver for a three day conference and terribly missed my family. But I had a good time and got to see my good friend Jinny and hang with my new friend Kelly. I am truly blessed by this church and this ministry. The pressure I put on myself is sometimes unbearable. But God seems to always reach in right when I have beat myself up enough and show me His grace, His love and His understanding. And then it's all OK. God is so good. It's why I am in ministry. So other people can see and know it too.

Me - I was looking in the mirror the other day trying to get a pair of jeans on.... and I literally started laughing out loud. I was like... you know what I am just going to be chunky for a while. I am not going to freak out about it, I am not going to be self loathing and I am not going to think poorly of my body. This is just how my body is going to be until I have a little bit more free time to schedule in a FULL workout that can shape my body. Don't worry though, I am exercising... in babysteps. I play volleyball once a week and I started to run (slowly) and not for a long time on our treadmill. My eating habits are different working so much so I am still learning what a healthy life looks like in this job and my busy life. I turn 39 in October so I am fast approaching 40. I am looking forward to it. Because I have this "when I am old I will wear purple" mentality. I know my strengths, I know my weaknesses. I know what God is working on and what I can and cannot change. No one other that the Lord himself is going to make that different. So I might as well just accept it and enjoy it and keep on keepin on! Truth be told.. I miss my Dad. It has been six months since we last spoke. At least since I spoke to "that guy" who told me leave and never come back. My Dad is in there somewhere and man do I miss him. But again, God has shown me that He is taking care of my Dad. That this time away is giving me a perspective of God's love for me and also some time to heal my heart. Someday I'll see my Dad again and I'll be better prepared spirtually and emotionally. I actually miss all of my family. My Mom, My bro's and my sweet sisters in love. My neices and nephews. I miss my Grandma and Grandpa. Funny story... I was at McDonalds the other week with Billy and I was walking out and there was a man in front of me. He had on cowboy boots and black jeans. (just like my grandpa used to wear) as I walked by him he TOTALLY smelled like my Grandpa. I ran to the van and jumped in and started sobbing. Bill was like.. "What's wrong?" I told him that I just missed my Grandpa so much and that cowboy dude smelled like him and his cowboy boots clip clopped on the ground just like my Grandpas did. I think I had a little PMS, but the grief just overwhelmed me. Family is good. Family relationships are important. I was telling BK the other day the cool part about being with the family God gave you is that they love you NO MATTER WHAT. Even though my Dad is hurting and broken and wrecked. I still love him. Even though I am not perfect, my kids and husband love me. We have to. We are a team. We know all the good bad and ugly of each other and we love regardless. That's what family is for. It's vital.

Anyway, I better wrap this up. Thanks for listening and thanks for checking back with me. My camera is fixed so I'll be posting more new pics soon.
Love, jen

Do you EVER feel totally safe...

2010-08-31T18:32:00.000-07:00

Throughout my journey of being a children's pastor at our church I know God has been working in my relationships. He sent me some people who have been just blowing me away with how much they love the Lord, how much they understand kids and ministering to kids and how much they have the gift of teaching. The first person he sent me was my friend Ben. Now... Ben is HUGE... and when I say huge I mean huge, like ultimate fighting martial arts kind of huge. But just as huge as Ben is... his heart is just as big. One of the first times Ben and I had talked when I started at the church a year ago, a man came into my office and was telling me a story about how he was taking care of his brother who had a neck injury and was very very sick. As the man was telling me the story, I looked over and these huge tears were rolling down Ben's cheeks. The man telling the story stopped, startled a little I think because Ben was crying... but that's just how Ben is. He truly sees the heart of situations. He is compassionate and an incredible listener and friend... and he served for many years ministering to kids who were going through crisis and divorce. So when it comes to ministering to kids. Ben has lots and lots of wisdom.

Which brings me to my next person. Her name is Beth... Beth is a leader Ben served with in Chicago at a Willow Creek church there. Beth has her masters, she has taught in schools, she is wise beyond wise and she too seeks to understand and truly be Jesus to people. She understands pain, but moreso she understands God's grace in the midst of it all. Which brings me to the workshop and the concept of "safety" Ben and Beth are teaching me.

Having not come from a "tradional" Christian background I feel like my perspective on riverKIDS is a clean slate. I know I don't want to develp a "traditional" children's ministry. I know I want a ministry that is first and foremost based on relationships with Jesus first and relationships with kids. If the kids don't feel safe and loved in the relationships they have at church why would they ever believe a Bible story we tell them? If they think the only reason we are in the class to teach them is because we have to run through curriculum, then why have a class at all. I want this ministry to be a place where kids feel SO safe, So loved and SO TRULY known... that they begin to reveal the truth of their hearts to us. That they begin to confess to us the things that are hurting them most. That they are able to say to us... I need to be healed by jesus, will you pray with me and believe with all of their hearts it is the same thing their teachers want. I don't want a show... I don't want a party, I want ministry. I want kids to learn the things of the Bible but to first and foremost know that I am not there fixing, judging and joking about their problems. I want them to know that every team member I have is someone who can sit with them in their pain. Can ask them questions that do not make them feel like they have to defend their emotions or justify how they feel. I want to hear that kids have been healed at a very young age from fear and anger. I want God to do a mighty work in my teacher's hearts so they too begin to understand that what we seek to do for these kids is what Jesus has done for us all along. He doesn't fix, He doesn't judge, He doesn't make jokes. He just sits with us in our yuck and says... "Yep... I am SO SORRY you feel that way." He sits with us in our yuck and says, "Tell me more about what your feeling..." He sits with us in our yuck and says, "I noticed you today and I hear what your saying and it's so important to me that you share with me... oh and by the way Jen... I love you no matter what is happening in your life."

Ben and Beth talk about creating a "safe place" in the church for kids to not only learn Biblical truths, but a place where they actually experience what Jesus would have been like in real relationships with teachers and people who love them and want to help them be healed by Jesus. And yes... young children need Jesus' healing. Let's not fool ourselves into thinking they don't carry stress, difficulty and pain. I haven't even been in children's ministry that long and I know the pain of a child. They have parents who are divorced, they experience deaths, they know what bullying is, they have been betrayed, they help their addicted parents, brothers,sisters and families and some of them have parents who have committed serious crimes. Some of them have been exposed to sex younger than they ever should be. Some of them have been molested and abused. This ministry is not something I will take lightly. Yes, right now we are concerned with paint and esthetics and the 90 second first impression. But we will be communicating what a safe place looks like regularly. I'm so excited for this. And as I begin to uncover and look at this type of thing in my own life, I am feeling a huge conviction that I am seeking forgiveness for. A conviction where I know I have not been safe in communicating with many people who matter most to me. I have tried to fix them, I have tried to joke with them, I have tried to tell them a story that is simliar. I haven't just sat with them in their circumstances and tried to get their perspective. So I'm praying today that God reveal those things to me a little bit more clearly. I am completely trusting Jesus that he will take this ministry to the next level. Thank you God for Ben and Beth. Two people who have been Jesus to me.

Here is Beth's company's website. www.envision-innovation.com. You want a fresh perspective on your relationships, talk to Beth see what she has to say.

Letter of Intent... and stuff

2010-08-23T20:11:00.001-07:00

I wasn't going to post anything because my camera is still broken (discouraging) so for some reason I feel like my posts are much less fun to read without cool pictures. Yes... I am a dork.

So I will write my next letter of Intent. Read on...

Letter of Intent

Dear said Family vehicle (my dear sweet Honda Odyssey),

I am writing to thank you. To thank you for once again releasing my keys back to me so I don't have to hook and unhook my battery every day I drive you. I have already been on my knees praising God for fixing you for me. He knows my every desire and hope and that was a big one weighing on my mind.

I know God is working in our life because he has brought finances when there were none... and when I say none. I mean NONE. So Mr. Odyssey you too should be thanking Jesus for the beautiful miracle he worked in your ignition casing.

I look forward to a couple more years with you. Keep on trucking little van. Thanks for all you have done!

Love, Jen and family

Bloggy friends, I will post another day about our financial blessings and miracle. It is post for a memorial box monday. A post that will glorify Him, and build other people's faith by the things Jesus is doing in my life. Right when I needed Him most.

Peace to you all!
Jen

A work in progress

2010-08-15T19:39:00.000-07:00

MY NEW PICTURE OF GRACIE
A sustainable pace....
It is what I am focusing on in all areas of my life. I have not really blogged much about the day to day stuff that is happening in this family of mine. BK and I are focusing heavily on our budgetary scenario. Finances are a top priority for this family of mine. God and BK have had some pretty heavy duty conversations about us getting everything in order. Stewarding finances well and is teaching Bill and I to work TOGETHER in it. For the past two pay periods we have been doing really well. Sunday afternoons after naps, we spend about a half an hour talking about money. I was telling my friend Jill the other day that converstaions about money are not always just about money... they are about much more than that and that's why sometimes I think couples have a hard time talking about it. Money effects people in different ways depending upon how you have grown up, how your parents treated money how your parents discussed money and how and why it was spent. BK and I have been learning a lot about our selves in this process. And I have to say... some of it was painful to learn but to cool thing that is happening is that BK and I are working together and trying to teach the kiddos in the process.

Day to day life has been good but different. In an effort to save I have been bringing my two big kids to work with me. What a cool thing that I have a boss who understands the need for flexibility in this life with kiddos so this will be my last week with them before they go off to school next week. We have a big party this Sunday for our kickoff of the new ministry. I have a lot to do and it is interesting while doing all the work I need to accomplish I know that God will take care of the details. I love my job. I am challenged. Not just by what we are trying to accomplished but by what I am learning about myself and my church in the process. My favorite part? The ministry. My favorite part is when a child needs prayer, my favorite part is when a Mom brings her daughter to church who brings a friend who needs prayer. My favorite part is when I get to teach a class and pray for the kids. My favorite part is talking with them one on one. Getting to know the kids lives. Getting to know the parents and their life circumstances and walking with them through the good the bad and the ugly. We still need to build a team so I can focus more on those things, but I am convinced God will take us there. In His timing.

I am a work in progress. This year will be a year of thinking and dreaming with God about what's next. Adoption? Buying or building a house? a 10 year anniversary trip? Who knows. I sit in anticipation of what's next. Thank you God for this life you give me. It will be my legacy someday and please let it be something that honors and glorifies you in all of it. lv, jen

Overwhelmed by it all...

2010-08-05T08:09:00.000-07:00

Please let me preface this post by saying I am not overwhelmed by my life, my family or even my own personal circumstances. I am overwhelmed by the crisis happening in our families and the lives of kids today. What has happened?

I have been serving in youth ministry on and off for the past 41/2 years. In this time I have heard from kids as young as 14 years old, " I think I am pregnant," " I cut myself," "I'm trying to help my Mom(Dad) through their depression and chaos," "My parents are getting a divorce," "My Dad(Mom) hits me and verbally abuses me and my family." "My Mom(Dad) is sick." "I am addicted to drugs." The stories I hear from these young people are so sad to me. I am so burdened by it.

Here I am planning curriculum worried about checkin systems, determining paintcolors for the hallways of our church... concerned about crafts and attendance and statistics and the real problem lies in crisis and pain around us. What can we do God? What do I do? Will another VBS solve the crisis in our children? Will more crafts and pipe cleaners heal parents hearts and help them to understand marriage and sacrificial love? Will our kids ever get to be kids again. I think there was a time when all kids had to worry about were pipe cleaners and googly eyes. I think there was a time when they could truly enjoy a craft and think all about how the glue felt in their little sticky fingers. But I think the minute they are done... they are faced with much more. More than we could ever know about.

I was also thinking about this because although my kids don't experience the pain that some of these kids in crisis are going through, they are going to be faced with it because many of these kids are their peers. Many of these kids are looking for other kids who have supportive families to help them along, to love them despite their circumstances, will my kids be ready? Will they have what it takes? Will they see God in it all?

On my way home from youth group I prayed so hard. God has put an intercessory gifting in my life. When I become burdened to pray I begin to weep. It just comes in a huge wave. Like I am feeling like I am crying God's tears. I am so sad...as I pray I cry out to God. It's loud and it comes from the depth of my spirit...I pray in my prayer language and it is like I am praying away the sin... I don't know what I am saying but I know that God knows. It doesn't happpen too often but when it does it comes like a thunderstorm. (thank goodness I am in the car!lol)

So last night, in my overwhelmed state, I just cried and prayed. I was so overwhelmed by the challenge that faces us as Christians. By the town we live in and by the hurt and pain all around me. I felt like all I could do was call upon our big huge amazing miracle working God to do what he does best and heal us.

Not because we deserve it, but because he knew we were going to be this way and he loves us despite ourselves. So, I am asking my bloggy friends to pray along with me. Pray for our families, pray for relationships, pray for kids and that they stay kids. Pray that God does a miracle today in the lives of kids. Pray for his protection. Thank you so much. lv, Jen

unbelievably high heels...

2010-07-31T19:55:00.000-07:00

So, I knew I had to blog about this because I left the store like I needed to talk to someone about it. Or at least vent about it a little.

I went shopping today for professional black dress shoes I can wear with a skirt. They used to be called PUMPS. I have NO IDEA what you would call shoes like that now. So I went to a store at the Durango Mall. Your average shoe store with quite a bit of selection. I walked by the flip flops, (too casual) I walked by the strappy shoes, too summery, I walked over to where they might have "dress shoes" for women.

Now let me preface this by saying, I love to wear heels. I am 5'1" so anytime I can be a couple inches taller to reach an "average" height I am giddy. However, the "dress" section of this store that contained shoes with heels blew my mind. Yes, they had appropriate dress shoes.. which were probably 2 inch heels. The selection was few.. maybe 3 pairs of shoes that first of all looked cute and second of all were comfortable. (I could write a whole other blog about shoe comfort later ;)

Anyway, the other aisle where all the other dress shoes were had shoes that I truly believe should ONLY be sold at Fredrick of Hollywood or some store in the red light district of Amsterdam. Holy Moly! Am I getting old or are stilleto heels just commonplace in the year 2010. First of all, there is no way on God's green earth I am walking up on stage at church in stilleto heels with my professional suit and skirt. NO WAY. But seriously it was the majority of the selection! Which begs the question. Can shoes be too sexy? I think I am really getting old.

I did finally find a pair after searching high and low. I swear maybe it's my age... I can't buy shoes that make me look like I am trying to be 22 and I can't buy shoes that my Grandmother would wear, but seriously I think the shoe companies are missing a market of women who would buy more shoes if they created styles that were a little more practical and fabulous.

Enough said, Any thoughts on this? Thought I'd attach a new pic of the family. All 5 of us. We had them taken in Iowa and when I look at them I think my family looks beautiful, but they make me want to go to the gym and lift weights. :) I know Jill... Baby steps... baby steps...
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Letters of Intent...the family van

2010-07-23T07:17:00.000-07:00

Dear said "family vehicle",

Having taken a long family vacation and a variety of short trips. I would first like to thank you for continuing engine goodness and your ability to get me and my brood around the nation this summer.

However, this thing you have with the ignition and you swallowing my keys has me just about to the end of my rope. Being able to completely turn off the engine and pull the keys out of the ignition would bring me no greater joy. I would appreciate it if you could release the vice grip you have on my 98 Honda Odyssey key and let me have it back.

Having three children and knowing I have lots of running around to do... it is a little bit frustrating that every time I have to stop the car I have to unhook your battery. I am sure you don't want EVERYONE to see "under your hood" ALL the time. So, I am asking nicely (and praying to the Lord my God) to see if you would just give me back my keys and my time. This time can be spent in better ways, (painting my fingernails, loving my kiddos, making yummy meals and encouraging my husband).

The fact that in order to fix you it costs in the neighborhood of $500.00 we are not willing to part with said money. (Do you have any idea how many diapers and school supplies that buys?) So let's just come to an agreement and you give me back my keys and I promise I will fix your rear seal oil leak in the near future. (sorry if you wanted that to remain private).

I look forward to a day where we will live in harmony once again. Thank you too that your radio works so I can blast my music while chauffering my kiddos around Durango. Peace to you today Honda Odyssey. NOW GIVE ME MY KEYS BACK!

Lv,
jen

Happy Birthday Josie...

2010-07-19T09:16:00.000-07:00

Josie turned one year old on the 14th. I was not able to post due to scheduling issues, but I just am so excited for her. I am so excited for the little girl she is growing up to be. She walked this week... across the living room. The look of excitement she has when she's has done it just makes my heart sing. I sat in my super hot house yesterday just playing with her. Laughing with her, reading her books, talking with her and practicing walking. She received a new little rocker from her Grandma for her birthday and she adores it. She sits on it, she kneels on it and she just rocks and jives. She is a total dancer girl. Any kind of music... ringtones.. whatever... she will start dancing to the beat.

She is pure joy to me. I am so thankful for her, for her life, for her beautiful heart and big voice. She is squealing and laughing and talking as much as a 1 year old can. She likes to grunt at people, she also LOVES those Gerber puffs and has discovered the wonder of Watermelon. We've devoured tons of it together this summer.

I feel like I post about this all the time, but seriously my children bring me more joy than I could ever describe. Is motherhood or being a parent easy? It is challenging and every day is an adventure. But I wouldn't trade it for the world. Happy Birthday sweet Josie. We love you sweetie! Love, Mommy

Look Mom...

2010-07-10T21:58:00.000-07:00

I have to post about this because I am so in love with my Gracie.. I need to talk about where she is at with her faith and what God is doing in her heart. Last year, Grace was in class at church and during the message of kids' church there was discussion about salvation. Kids were invited to ask Jesus into their hearts. I got a text from one of our awesome teacher and a good friend of mine saying she had asked Jesus into her heart. I teared up, I was so happy.

However, about 3 months ago... G and I were talking before bedtime and I was talking to her about if she understood what asking Jesus into her heart meant. Grace is very smart. She notices everything, she thinks things through... she watches relationships and people, she draws conclusions from behavior, she is a keen listener. So even though in that class she prayed "the prayer" I wanted to be sure she understood what it meant and why it was a cool thing.

I need to preface this a little bit. Because Grace's friends don't all believe what she believes she finds it very cool when she sees ANYTHING ANYWHERE that mentions God or Jesus. I bought her a Chapter book from a christian book store and she was so EXCITED when she saw they were talking about Jesus. We were watching the Duggers one time (19 and counting...) and one of the sons was talking about how he was waiting for the girl that God had created for him to marry. She beamed. She said,
"Mom... did you hear what he said?" He is talking about Jesus. And today she was on the computer playing a video game and they mentioned Jesus on it and she was blown away. I asked her, "Grace... why do you like to see Jesus' name on things?" She said because I never see games that have to do with Jesus. So it jumps out at me when it does.

Anyway, about 3 months ago... G and I were talking about asking Jesus into her heart. Did she understand why we ask Jesus to be with us? I talked to her about this verse:

9That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. 10For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved. 11As the Scripture says, "Anyone who trusts in him will never be put to shame."[e] 12For there is no difference between Jew and Gentile—the same Lord is Lord of all and richly blesses all who call on him, 13for, "Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved."[f]

Well, Grace really loved hearing this message again. She loved to know that there was a God who wanted to be in her heart. She knows she needs Jesus. What a great gift. She asked me today... Mom why isn't there more "Jesus" games on the computer?

And I told her. Grace... it says in the Bible that some people will not believe that God wants to be in their lives. God give everyone a choice... and they can choose. I said sometimes believing you need a savior includes having to admit that you have sin... and some people don't want to look at their sin and admit they struggle or believe that God can heal them from that sin.

She is in awe of God, I'm praying that he just continues to draw her closer... in love. Show her the unending love he has for her... at a very early age. That her prayers are heartfelt, her passion for Jesus strong and her conviction to tell others something that burns within her. I am proud of my daughter for so many reasons, but her focus and thought that goes into her faith is amazing. Thank you Lord for Grace... when she was born.. I felt undeserving of such a precious gift. Thank you for revealing yourself to her... so that she might be a gift to everyone she meets... and blow them all away with her light and love. AMEN.

Let me introduce you... to my friend

2010-06-30T15:41:00.001-07:00

Isn't she just the cutest thing?

I'm not sure how to write this post. I've written posts before about how God is transforming me. I have written about the change that takes place when you see, experience, realize God's specific love. When you witness miracles, when you experience emotional healing. When Jesus fills every void I have ever felt in my spirit. I have told of how I've tried it all. Drinking, drugs, friends, boys, money, corporate success, material things. None of it. Absolutley none of it is nearly as satisfying as my relationship with Jesus Christ. Nothing compares.

It's like I have a best friend that I want to introduce everyone too. However, He is this best friend who no one wants to talk about. Because if you talk about Him or this thing you know... people think you and your friend are going to judge them, condemn them. When it is the exact opposite.

This friend gives me encouragement, blesses me, loves me unconditionally and takes care of me. This friend is with me when I am struggling, laughs with me when I am joyful and cries with me when I am wrecked by tough things. This friend understands LOVE better than anyone or anything I know.

So when I say I want to introduce you to my friend... and you say, I don't know your friend. Your friend has never shown me love. Your friend has never been real to me or given me blessings. Your friend has never loved me.

I will say to you... let me introduce you to Jesus Christ. Draw near to Him... and he will draw near to you. You will see Him. You will experience His unfailing love and it will be the best choice you have ever made.

Rambings...

2010-06-27T20:39:00.000-07:00

FYI.. this is a picture of Grace when she was about 1 1/2 year old. The one above it is of Josie today. Grace looks so much like Josie it's crazy! I am so bugged that my camera is fried. I am headed back to Office Depot this week to buy a battery to see if that will fix it. I am going to be bummed out if I need a new one. So in the meantime I will show pics from my Blackberry.

All is well on this homefront. I am busy with getting the vision and mission of riverKIDS launched in August. We've had some hiccups coming back to our house, but really I believe these things are distractions that are just taking me away from what God has planned for the ministry and my family. Let's just say that I am sick of dwelling on the negative and really focusing on the good. I am tired of evaluating, stressing, worrying and hurting. It is time to live in the joy of the Lord. Live out what I believe. Have faith that can move mountains. Believe that God is FOR ME... not against me. See the good in everything and move forward in the good and awesome plan that God has called me to.

Have you ever just felt like all you do is "manage?" BK and I have three small children, we are navigating a delicate time in our marriage. We are navigating through dealing with some of our own yuck and seeking God for transformation. We are learning what it looks like to work in ministry and minister to others while we ourselves are dealing with stuff. I need to support myself, keep myself healthy, support my family's health. We need more "FUN" in it! So, tis the time. To shake off the funk and step into a new day. A renewed time in our lives where we can look back and say... that was a FUN time serving God, each other and others.

We are promoting a summer of Crazy Love at our church. We are trying to love people like Jesus does. I am going to do it in fun ways, that promote good times for our famlies and kids. I can't wait. Smiling and excited. Here we go!

My hero... my Billy - Happy Father's Day BK

2010-06-19T22:04:00.000-07:00

This Father's Day I am going to honor a man who blows my mind. My husband. God knew when he sent Billy my way exactly what I needed. He knew I needed to learn about contentment so he sent me Bill, he knew I needed to learn about choosing my words wisely... so he sent me Bill, he knew I needed to learn about reading "directions" so he sent me Billy. He knew I needed to see what loyalty and commitment looked like so he sent me Billy.

He also knew what an amazing father this man would be to our three beautiful children. He knew exactly what kind of man my children would need to show them what a Daddy who loved them no matter what looked like.

He'll ride bikes with the kids, he shows them how to plant in the garden, he cooks with them, he does homework with them, he reads their Bible devotionals and talks to them about their faith and he prays with them. He builds forts and makes popcorn for movie nights... he laughs with them and plays with them on the trampoline. He provides and works hard and loves his family.

I have told him before but I need to tell him this Father's Day that he is such an amazing man, I love his sweet heart and the way he is a rock to my life. He is my hero, my braveheart and my knight in shining armor! I love you Billy. Happy Father's Day.

Created for such a time a this...

2010-06-08T04:55:00.000-07:00

Did God ever take you on a journey where no matter what you did you were faced with the same thing or challenge or learning curve over and over again? God is in the business of loving me, teaching me and transforming me. In that process I see him working in my circumstances, my relationships and my life very clearly. Never in my life has it been more uncomfortable. But in this uncomfortable place, I am learning what it means to be a daughter and a child of God.

I have spent much of my life living in a codependent scenario. The role I took on as a child was the person who made, "peace." I had the "level head." I had it together... at least on the outside. On the inside I spent most of my time scrambling panicking and praying that everything I did would set things right, make my life more controllable. Make people around me more controllable or predictable so I had more control of my life. I spent time appeasing people so they could be happy. I spent time conjuring up circumstances that would make everyone "feel" good. On the outside I had all of this "control" but on the inside I was a train wreck praying each choice I made in a day would create good circumstances for myself. It is an exhausting way to live, but it is how I survived.

I can remember getting up early to make my parents breakfast hoping that if we started the day off on a good note... maybe it would stay that way. I can remember cleaning the house for my parents hoping that if the house was clean enough everyone would pull themselves together. At work I would take on a project I didn't believe in. I would agree with people when I totally felt the opposite. A lot of this codependent behavior has filtered into my professional life as well.

I would be in marketing meetings agreeing to do things I did not think were productive to the project. I would watch everyone else engage in passionate discussions about things and think... wow... this is "too" emotionally charged of an argument to have so I am just going to keep my mouth shut. I wanted everyone to be pleased with everything I did so I avoided a "confrontation" as much as possible. I thought other people's peace was more important than my own. At 39 years old I am realizing these very important things. I am thankful that God is showing me how he works in all of this so I can learn, be better and live the awesome life he has set before me.

So now, here I am family of 5, husband full time job in ministry and God is showing me what it means to speak the truth in love. Speak it so others can know where I stand. Speak it with the confidence that even if it does not make the other person "feel" good that God will take care of the other person. Speak it andave a confidence God is going to take care of ALL the details.

My best example of this is my relationship with my father. He is so sick. So broken. So toxic to me. I can't pretend anymore that the relationship I have with him is OK. It's not. It's broken, it's toxic and it's not healthy. So removing it from my life is one of the best things I can do for me and my family. Does it feel good? No. Do I feel like a bad daughter? Yes. Am I mourning the loss of that relationship? Yes. But can I say that I know God is going to take care of him and all of the details of his life? Yes.

I have this big huge awesome God who created me and this life I have. He is FOR ME... he is on MY SIDE. Is is the sin in this world that tries to kill, steal and destroy my life... NOT GOD.

The verses that keep rolling through my head are.. " I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me..." and " this is the day the Lord has made I will rejoice and be glad in it... " and " I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, to prosper you and not to harm you to give you a hope and a future."

So as I walk in this uncomfortable place of standing up for what I believe. For speaking the things my spirit leads me to speak. For letting my yes be yes and my no be no. I will trust that although this is uncomfortable, it is EXACTLY where God has me for this time and this place and I was created for such a time as this.

What happened to my FUN?

2010-05-24T19:52:00.000-07:00

Somewhere in the mix of ministry and family... I have lost it. Things have gotten too serious around here. I have been very preoccupied with all of the "blah" going on and the "drama" and the junk that I believe my friends I have forgotten what "fun" looks like. I've been too sad, too mad, too tired, too busy, too determined, too goal oriented to enjoy some of this ride we call life.

When BK and I talk about the "logistics" of our family... like shopping, cleaning, planning, kids school, budgets, car maintenance, etc.etc. we refer to it as "Family business." I can tell when we talk too much "business" because it's hard to laugh and joke when your talking about family business. It's the serious stuff that keeps a family rolling. Communicating about your needs, communicating about the kids communicating about the day and the plan and the stuff....ahhhhhh! It can overwork our brains!

So I am declaring this a time where I am going to dump the "business" (here and there) and think about how to "kick up" the FUN quotient in my life. Little ways I can have fun. Please dont misunderstand. I love my family, I love planning things for my family, I love taking care of family business becuase my family means so much to me. But for us, we can get very caught up in the family business so much that we have forgotten the fun. The things that once were "fun" become routine and the things that routine become boring... hence us needing fun.

I was reading on facebook that Boyz II Men were coming to a place in Minnesota to perform. I was reminded of a song called Motown Philly from my past. I LOVE THESE GUYS. They are up there with MC Hammer and Kirk Franklin's Stomp and TLC and some other oldies I used to listen to when my bangs looked like huge croissants and my eyeliner was royal blue to match my 10 speed Schwinn roadbike. :)

We are taking this vacation to Iowa. I am determined to have fun if it kills me. I am going to play jokes on kids and husband, I am going to be silly, I am going to be carefree and relax... I might even just wear the same outfit two days in a row and buy myself some royal blue eyeliner and wear it in public (my bangs are too short to tease them into crossiants... . Who knows. But I think it's time for this Mama to kick it up a notch and have some fun with my life and those around me.

Focusing on my junk takes the "fun" out of life. Focusing on the problems takes my focus off of God. I do not expect to "feel" good all the time. But I can move to a new place of fun and excitement for my life because God's plan is fun and exciting. Not boring mundane and I believe... not always serious.

For those of you who are able to keep your fun quotient going among the family business please advise. I would love to hear some stories about things you do in your families that are fun. Small things, big things, whatever. It may inspire me and I'm looking for some inspiration.

Thanks for listening. Enjoy my Boyzzzzzzzz!

Way too long...

2010-05-17T08:46:00.000-07:00

It' been way too long since I last blogged. So I dedicating 20 minutes of my day today to update ya'll on the happenings here in Durango.

Family life is still adjusting. Adjusting to baby girl who is now 10 MONTHS OLD! Amazing. Adjusting to new home and just adjusting to being a family of five. Big kids keep getting bigger (there is no stopping them) :) And as they get bigger we will be taking them to more things. They want playdates, they are involved in sports and activities etc.etc. They like to be challenged and be outside.... so we are also adjusting to all of that. We are excited because we are taking a family trip to Iowa the first week in June to see family and friends in the midwest. Pray for us. It is an 18 hour trip. But we are excited. Billy is adjusting with his diabetes numbers. I am trying to educate myself more on what he is going through, I fear I have no clue because it is a tough thing to manage. He is daily trying to manage his blood sugar levels and really it's a hard thing to do when they can fluctuate based on so many little things. I am praying for him... praying we all adjust as God remains faithful to keep us healthy.

Ministry is amazing. We are "relaunching" the ministry on August 22nd. Lots to do and not a lot of time to get it done. I have an amazing team. I am excited to see how the new ministry is going to be received by kids and families. Fun stuff.

Grace turned 8 years old yesterday. I cannot believe how old she is! She is an amazing little girl. She had fun time celebrating her birthday with her friend Clara from school. Clara is moving to a new school next year so Grace wanted to make a memory with her before she left. She has a huge kind heart. She is always thinking of others. I am such a proud Mama of my baby girl.

Toby joined T-Ball with his buddies Katrina and Kale. HE LOVES IT! He has the gift of encouragement because as kids run to first base... he is telling them what a great hit they just made and pointsthem to 2nd base as they run. He likes to talk about his shadow as he has kids stand on 1st base and he asks them things like... what school do you go to? And.... I am 6 years old!

Josie is 10 months old. In 2 months she will be a year old! It amazes me how fast th first year passes. She is walking around grabbing onto the coffee tables, pulling herself up on everything and putting every crumb and whatever in her mouth. She laughs a lot and we swear she calls Billy Dah Dah... She is a go getter and will let you know when you have done something to upset her. She is spunky.

So I am sharing some pics... some new... some old of the kiddos. We will have lots more when we travel in 2 weeks. So I'll try to get some more out there.

I pray all my friends who read this are doing well. God bless you. :)

An encouragement...

2010-04-26T08:47:00.000-07:00

This has been a difficult year. Can I say that? Is that ok to say? It is funny because every January 1st I always say a little prayer to God that this be a year in which I am transformed and made better. But what I really want is a year in which there will be no pain, no tears, joy all the time, no sickness, no sadness and on and on. I'm such a punk. (wink)

We are four months into this year. Much has happened to me and my friends, even my bloggy friends are enduring some of the most difficult times in their lives. Really tough stuff. Life altering things. Broken relationships, deaths, miscarriages, fires, addiction, abuse you name it... it's happening. It happens all around us every day.

But here is the good news. We all have the answer. We have the antidote to sin. He paid for all this crap (can I say crap?) on the cross! He died so we would be able to have HIM in our lives. He is walking us through it. He not only carries us... he will make something "GOOD" come of it. Here is the even better news. He is the same today a he was thousands of years ago. He will be the same God for our children and our children's children. His love is abundant, it is perfect, it is exactly what we need when we need it. He is our hope. And we don't have to do one stinking thing but call upon him. PRAY. TELL HIM WHATS UP. CRY. YELL. POUND OUR FISTS. Smile. Laugh. RAISE OUR HANDS.

He just waits for us. Patiently to lean on him. To love him back. To acknowledge He cares. We have that encouragement. Thank you God.

The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present yor requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4: 5-7

Quiet Time...

2010-03-29T09:30:00.000-07:00

I just spent an hour in the day being quiet. Wow. How foreign. What a concept.

Don't think
Don't do
Don't accomplish
Don't perform
Don't make a list
Don't make progress
Don't have expectations
Don't judge
Don't plan
Don't explain
Don't schedule
Don't maintain
Don't understand
Don't process

It is exhausting just typing that out. I met with a very accomplished very educated and knowledgeable woman last week. She has developed very successful children's ministries. She has an amazing heart. She hears God. She loves kids and families. This friend of mine is really a divine appointment for me. She confessed to me that when she started out in ministry her entire personal life fell apart. Success for her was getting out of bed in the morning. She had a team of 75 volunteers who she was responsible to... (our team here is about 55). She spoke to me about grace what it really means... to really just cut yourself some slack. I told her I needed so badly to hear from God and what he wanted for this ministry he put me in leadership over. I told her that I am in "fight or flight" mode so for me just making a decision about what to make for dinner is hard... how the heck can I successfully run a ministry? How can I know what God wants for the ministry. There are a million things I could move forward in right now. I could pull off an amazing Easter Egg hunt, I could plan a skating night for kids, I could put a date on the calendar and call on all our servant leaders to come and "revamp" the environment for children's ministry... there are a million things I could do and believe me... I would do them well. I'm good at doing stuff.

But what does God want me to do? Am I already doing it? Is he working right now in relationships, in the hearts of people? Is this time in ministry about me working on me? Is he developing my spiritual character? Stripping me of the ability to move forward... is he asking me to move toward Him? I think so. I think he is saying stop... be quiet...listen.

Today during this 1.5 hours of quiet time... I wrote down all the "JUNK" that clogs my mind. Decisions to be made, people to talk to, appointments, moving details, family priorities, personal problems, baggage, frustrations and after I got it all out of my head... I said a short prayer. I told God I was going to listen. I told him I needed him to be clear. I told him I needed to know it was Him and not me.

After that I just laid on my couch and waited. I could hear myself breathing, then with each breath I heard Him...

I support you
I love you
I am here
It's going to be OK
I love your leaders... tell them I love them.
I love your ministry.
You are important to me.

I cry as a type because I knew with each relaxing breath I took... it was him. It was my spirit connecting with His and when I took the time to listen, God was there. He has not gone anywhere even though my crappy circumstances right now feel like he is far from me. It was like he was sitting right next to me. Breathing these quiet whispers to my spirit and my heart. What a gift. Thank you God for your quiet whispers how you love me and you tell me.

A little bit of his love

2010-03-22T09:14:00.000-07:00

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I posted a couple weeks ago how I was really wanting to understand God's love. What does it look like? How can I feel it? Can I touch it? How is it speaking to my heart and the spirit inside of me?

As I pray about it and love God in the process. I am seeing his love in so many small ways. Things I would have brushed off as cute or sweet or joyful, I now see God in it all. One of the major ways God is showing his love to me and I think for Him it just might be the best way for him to operate is by my relationships. I don't believe for one second God puts someone in your life just as a placeholder. Experiencing the love of God happens when we open ourselves up to the people he puts in our lives.

I have some of the best friends on the planet. I have known most of these people for at the most four years. They are warm, they are loving, they love God, they are obedient to the quiet way he whispers to their heart. For a long time I perceived them as a good example to me of what a Christian should look like. They are people I want to be like. There are things that I see in them that I want more than I can stand. Some of my friends have patience galore, some of them are so wise, some of them are financially blessed, but just give and give. They are constantly looking for ways to give to others. Some of them have so much faith.. it seems like "worry" is a foreign concept to them. Some of them just want to travel and go on missions and give and give to needy people. Some of them throw the best parties with the best food. Some of them are just really good at listening. Are they perfect? Uh... no. But the beautiful things I notice in all of them is so cool.

But lately, God is giving me new eyes to see how important my relationships are in my life and in him showing me his love. Relationships are elevated. Jesus didn't say, "YO...now that you know about me and what I have for you and all I have taught you, go hang out by yourself and worry about yourself and feel sorry for yourself and don't tell anyone the things that are going on in your life... keep all of it to yourself and focus inward." NO HE DIDN'T. He said... go and tell others about my love. Pray for people, heal people in my name, love your neighbor, love children, take care of widows and orphans. And how does it all get accomplished?

Through relationships. Through being honest, through accountablility, through laughter, tears, hugs, hurt, talks, food.

God gives me billboards (because I need them) this week's billboard is Jen... get off your duff... stop worrying about everything and get out there and love my children, love everyone I love. Show it to them. Be nice to them. Give them grace. Because my grace is sufficient for you. Forgive them. And watch how much I love you...experience my love through them.

Again... if there is one thing I can count on in this life it is my awesome gasp giving mountain moving awe inspiring God of the universe who is showing me his love.

The Little things....

2010-03-17T08:36:00.000-07:00

As I navigate this situation with moving I am reflecting today on the little things that God has done in providing us a new home to live in.
My hearts desire was that this move would not disrupt the kids too much. They love where we live, they love their school. Hermosa... the area we live in is expensive. It's expensive to buy, it's expensive to live, it's a beautiful valley. I adore it.

So when we started looking for a new rental I was doubtful I could find somethng we could afford in the same area. God knew that. He also knew what we could afford. He knew how much we wanted to pay for a rental.

But I saw in he paper a mobile home for rent in Hermosa for very cheap. It has 3 bedrooms 2 baths...perfect. I called the landlord and asked him the address of the mobile. He told me the address and when I got to it, it did not look like a mobile to me. It was a stick built home with a little masoned chimney on the side. It looked like a cabin. It reminded me of the cabins we would go to when I was little. An "up north" cabin.

I was confused but the landlord said it was open and we could check it out. I walked in the house... it has a fireplace (i love fireplaces) the carpet was nasty... the kitchen was older... the bathroom was REALLY old. The rooms were a decent size. The kids room were doable. There was no furnace. and one wall was a mustard yellow. I kept praying... what's up with this place?

I called BK and told him to come look at it. He was not impressed. We kept looking.

Then the landlord called me and told me he was putting a furnace in the place, new laminate in the living room and recarpeting the kids rooms. We went back and looked at it after that. Bill told me, "It is growing on me". He had painted the rooms, the living room looked nice, he tiled around the fireplace... the mustard yellow was painted over with this really cool deep red. I was starting to see God's hand creating a special place for our family. Taking care of all of those details. Taking care of the things that were not only important to me, but important to my husband.

I kept telling Bill this place was perfect. A place we could live in without having to take the kids away from their school, their friends, their community. He was hesitating. He had a dream of us living with my Dad, helping him, taking care of him as he grew older. He wanted my Dad's dream for his land to be completed and he wanted to help. My husband is an awesome man. He woke up Friday morning told me to call the landlord, tell him we would take the place. I was half asleep. He said, I want you to be happy. Call the landlord. It was like music to my ears. What a beautiful wonderful husband I have. What an awesome man who loves his family. Here we go Lord...

So Friday night the landlord called me. He told me that he and his wife had walked through the house. They were excited we were going to rent it. They wanted it to be nice for us. He decided he was going to carpet the master bedroom too and after looking at the bathroom, he decided to renovate the bathroom this week. He said that the kitchen cabinets would be replaced in the fall and the windows to the home would be replaced before winter. Please note: Bill created a beautiful garden at my Dad's house. He worked very hard to make sure it was dirt he could harvest yummy veggies and stuff. I was sad he was leaving his garden. But on the phone the landlord said to us, Oh yeah... and this place has THE BEST garden. We put manure in the garden bed and the spot we have it in is perfect for growing lots of great things. I hope you like it... (another detail and prayer answered). So, Shawn the landlord told me that he would call me at the end of the week when they were wrapping up renovations. He would call me and we could work out the details.

The bottom line is that God's love is evident to me. All the details that need to be worked out are being worked out.

BK reminded me today of our home in Buffalo we had a Cherry tree we planted in our back yard. It was a tree from his Dad's funeral. Last night they had fundraiser at Grace's school. We bid and won a photograph of a canvac picture of a cherry tree. We will hang it in our new living room to represent a new beginning for us. A new season... an exciting time as we watch God provide detail after detail and we seek him in all we are doing.

God's Unending Love...

2010-03-08T11:19:00.000-08:00

Well I am not sure if anyone even reads these anymore as I am so not good at keeping up on them. But for me blogging has become a bit therapeutic and so I have a moment today to do it. Here I am.

The past couple of weeks have been very very difficult. I prayed two weeks ago that God would help me understand his love. I understand his provision, protection, I understand pure joy from him and even peace... but do I recognize when he displays his love to me? (as I type... it dawns on me)

My father and I do not have a relationship. When we do communicate with one another, it is strained, business-like and not at all emotional or caring. My Dad comes from a generation of men... (I think) who believe their main responsibility as a father is to provide. Anything beyond that is the job of a mother. My Dad did a good job of providing and protecting and truly cared about me. He taught me right from wrong and some good foundational stuff for life. He taught me how to set goals and achieve them, he taught me how to make a plan and follow it and he believed in me... that I could do it. He believed I could do anything I put my mind to. And for that I am forever grateful.

Today, however my Dad has severed our relationship. As I've mentioned before... I rent from him... so I am his neighbor. We pay our rent ontime, Billy mows the lawn all summer for him, we have helped him with things around the yard as needed. I painted the trim on the house and we installed brand new carpeting in the house. I think I'm a pretty darn good tenant if I do say so myself. But alas... God has a new plan for me and this family of mine. My Dad likes his friends Jack Daniels and Pabst Blue Ribbon more than he likes me and my family. It is an addiction that grips him with all it has.

That being said.. I am grieving. I am grieving the loss of my earthly father. I am sad that it has come to this. I was hopeful for change. For a change in our relationship, for a miracle to heal him. There have been moments in the past four years (and I stress moments) where I have seen my Father... the man who raised me. I'll give you an example. Before I planned the barn party... my Dad came walking out onto the driveway... I was off.. to roll out this huge event. He had his robe on and a coffee mug in hand...he smelled like coffee... he had a twinkle in his eye and he looked at me with an abundance of love. He handed me a cowboy hat he was wearing and told me I could have it. He told me I looked great in it and hoped I had fun at the party. He laughted heartily and warmly. His heart was soft and good. After he walked away, I shot a little arrow prayer up to God and thanked him for moments like that. Most of the time when I am with him however, I do not see that man. I see someone else, someone who is hurt and angry, someone acts like he hates me. Someone who can see nothing but the ways I have wronged him, betrayed him or have let him down. So I'm torn. How am I Christ-like to someone who has hurt me so deeply? How do I forgive? When do I forgive? Can I forgive? For now I will heal.

It will take some time to heal myself and heal the fact my father has rejected me and my family. It will take some time for me to understand God's plan in all of it, but I know our amazing awe inspiring gasp giving God will be faithful in his plan for my life. He already has the plan paved out. Although I cannot see it... it is there and it is good. I just need to continue to pursue Him with all I have. Rely on him with my heart and spirit and seek out his will for my life and the life of my family. I need to release "my plan" and be OK with his. Being in ministry, I have to admit I have talked to other people about doing this. I have sat with friends and have said these words... God has a good plan. But when I need to surrender it all, and rely completely on God to get me to the next step... it is much harder when you are walking it out in your own life.

God loves me. What an amazing gift to begin to unwrap and experience. When left with nothing else on this earth... I can rely on the fact I have a big huge God who created all things wonderful. Who rejoices in me... who loves me just how I need to be loved.

Daddy's and Daughters

2010-02-27T13:38:00.000-08:00

Well girls and boys...

It again has been a while since my posting. I have to say.. it's not a priority. But man do I love to blog.

I have been busy with riverKIDS stuff and working with about 50 other folks on rolling out a Daddy Daughter Dance in Durango.

It was successful. In so many ways. There was fruit in relationships, there was fruit in our church family working together. There was fruit in doing something cool for our community. Giving instead of getting.

Then there was the personal fruit. I was wondering why it was so hard for me to plan this dance. I could not put my finger on the heaviness I felt as I planned and coordinated this event. The truth of the matter is... I wished I had done something like this with my Dad. Please don't take this the wrong way... my Dad was not horrible. My Dad did a great job raising 4 crazy kids... but I think it is natural when I see my baby girl going to the dance with her Dad to think about how cool it would have been to do the same as a little girl.

I believe God put me in this position. He knew my hearts desire for girl and their Daddy's to have a special moment and he put me in charge of making it come to fruition... and it worked. It was God breathed and a wonderful night for little girls and their fathers. It was very special for Grace and Billy too.

I am most proud of my awesome husband... to took his baby girl out to eat beforehand.. who bought her a corsage and met her in my office. (She hid in the closet to surprise him.. then jumped out when he came in the room).

The last song was Taylor Swift's "The Best Day". And Bill picked Grace up like he did when she was three and he twirled her around and hugged her tight. I am so proud of my husband for stopping what he was doing... and taking his baby girl out for the evening and showing her his love. All the while, reflecting the heart and love of our heavenly father in such an awesome way. Grace as a Daddy who wants her to know God, loves her, cherishes her and protects her. I am so thankful for Billy and the awesome relationship he has with his baby girl.
(pause the playlist)

The Best Day - by Taylor Swift

I'm five years old, it's getting cold, I've got my big coat on
I hear your laugh and look up smiling at you, I run and run
Past the pumpkin patch and the tractor rides, look now, the sky is gold
I hug your legs and fall asleep on the way home

I don't know why all the trees change in the fall
But I know you're not scared of anything at all
Don't know if Snow White's house is near or far away
But I know I had the best day with you today

I'm thirteen now and don't know how my friends could be so mean
I come home crying and you hold me tight and grab the keys
And we drive and drive until we found a town far enough away
And we talk and window shop 'til I've forgotten all their names

I don't know who I'm gonna talk to now at school
But I know I'm laughing on the car ride home with you
Don't know how long it's gonna take to feel okay
But I know I had the best day with you today

I have an excellent father, his strength is making me stronger
God smiles on my little brother, inside and out, he's better than I am
I grew up in a pretty house and I had space to run
And I had the best days with you

There is a video I found from back when I was three
You set up a paint set in the kitchen and you're talking to me
It's the age of princesses and pirate ships and the seven dwarfs
And Daddy's smart and you're the prettiest lady in the whole wide world

And now I know why the all the trees change in the fall
I know you were on my side even when I was wrong
And I love you for giving me your eyes
For staying back and watching me shine
And I didn't know if you knew, so I'm takin' this chance to say
That I had the best day with you today

Alas... it has happened...

2010-02-17T00:58:00.000-08:00

My baby girl after 7 months has herself a cold. It is now 1:59am and I am up... listening to her cough in her crib. I've tried rocking her, I've nursed her, pacifier works until she coughs... then it's all over again. She is playing with a toy in her crib, talking to herself until her next cough comes on.

I used that nasty suctin thing that sucks boogies out of noses so she didn't have so much drainage into her throat. It worked a little bit and I was surprised at what a trooper she was enduring the suction.

I can't sleep. I am wide awake. So I thought I would blog. Well guys... as usual God is the constant goodness in my life. I've been praying for, seeking and trying to understand the "LOVE" of God more fully. I get all of the joy,peace provision... but do I really understand his love? Will I ever really understand it? Well, to say the least I want to know it more. If I truly surrendered all I have in my life and was left with me and God... would I feel his love? Could I?

I got up the other morning and went to get Josie from her crib. The minute she saw me - a smile. A big huge whole face lights up smile. My heart leapt out of my chest. She loves me. She knows me. She's excited to see me. She forgives me. She has Grace for me. She trusts me. Then it dawned on me. So does God. Everytime he sees me, listens to me, watches me and protects me. Everytime he is praised by me. And even when I'm not doing anything he loves me with unabandoned love.

My playlist is crazy lately.. I am having email issues... but there is a worship song sung by Kim Walker called. "How He loves us"... I encourage you to google it and listen. It has been playing in my head all week.

Well, I better go down and try again to rock my baby to sleep. She needs her Mama... I'm here sweet Josie... I'm here.

Rough Week

2010-02-05T08:38:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been a little rough this week (for lack of a better term). We are not in crisis, we are not crazed. It's just been one of those weeks where can look back and say I made it through. Marriage, Motherhood and full-time Ministry are a fun combination (and by fun I mean insane!) :)

I'll give you a visual. Dishes... most of the necessary dishes are washed and put away. A stack of dirty pans, cookie sheets, pyrex and big bowls sit on my counter untouched. Paperwork is piled up everywhere on the computer desk.... bills, schoolwork,art projects, junk mail all lay waiting to be sorted (and mostly thrown huge pile of laundry awaits to be washed and folded and put away. Seemingly a task that should happen fairly easily but in my world just doesn't make the cut! Kids rooms are overflowing with toys. It's time to put Grace and Josie in one room and Toby in the other. They need their own bedrooms. I'm thinking I'll tackle that this weekend.

My son had a complete meltdown week. He suddenly misses me and does not want me to leave him at school. He says he misses me too much. I got to have a come to work with Mommy day on Monday and the rest of the week has been stressful dropping him off wondering if he will able to adjust and stay. His teacher is wonderful, understanding caring and loving. She and her aide are working to help about 20 little kindergarteners understand the desired behavior needed to learn in a classroom setting. They are working on all kinds of skills with the kids. Commmon to their developmental stages... being in the classroom gave me an amazing respect and love for his teacher. She is kind, compassionate and on a daily basis loves my child enough to help me teach him the skills he will need to grow up into an awesome little educated man. I have to admit, I've had a couple meltdowns because during these episodes with my sweet boy... I am planning a Daddy Daughter Dance for the community. God is teaching me about trusting him, trusting others and giving myself the grace to try and possibly fail at something I totally believe in. It's not fun but I pray the pay off is huge. For every Dad(or father figure) and daughter that buys a ticket I am praying this experience is a memory they will carry with them the rest of their lives. In the midst of all of this, my husband has one of those foggy head colds that rock your eyesight, your sinuses, your brain capacity and your throat comfort. He's been taking Nyquil all week and cough drops. Getting up and trudging off to work... regardless of how he feels. We prayed for him last night in our small group. I love my husband. He is such a good man. PS. He hasn't turned on ESPN since the playoff game. He's fine with not knowing what everyone has to say about the Vikings and Bret Favre. The wound has not healed... that sucker may take some time. :)

Well, as I sit here and type.... my beautiful baby girl is talking to me, reaching for things and smiling. We are going to have lunch with the big kids and then going to the library with them later. So, I better wrap up this little update.

On Facebook a lot of people are making their profile pictures to someone who is a celebrity that they look like. I have been told I look like Oprah..and Eddie Money you decide. lol

I Believe in You...

2010-01-31T15:24:00.000-08:00

I have always had an understanding to the heart of a child. It's hard for me to explain. The spirit that God puts in children motivates me. Their trust. Their smiles. Their mimicking of adults. Example: You give Josie a big toothie grin and she'll give you one back times ten! Her whole face lights up. There is something about a child's innocence, their hopes, their honesty that I just totally dig. Kids tell it like it is. They do what adults are thinking about doing or saying. Sometimes it can be inappropriate, sometimes it can be downright funny and sometimes it ministers to my heart more than I could ever imagine.

I have a couple examples. I'll use my children to start. Grace has always wanted to please. She definately is gifted in "helping" she serves gladly. She does not want to disappoint. Especially her parents. Well, one time she was watching Nickeoldeon tv... she was probably 4 and there was a song being performed in some video. The words to the song went... " I'm not perfect... no I'm not I'm not perfect because I've got what I got.. I do my very best, I do my very best. I do my very best each day. I'm not perfect and I hope you like me that way." OK... so I am listening to the song and she turns to me and says very matter of factly. "Mom, you don't like that song... do you?" I said, "I like that song Grace! I think it's a good song. Why don't you think I like it?" Again, very matter of factly she said, "Because it talks about being perfect, and you like it when I am perfect." READ: stabbing pains in heart begin right about now. READ: GASP! READ: GASP... pass out. My beautiful daughter thought I expected her to be perfect all the time. She anticipated I did not like the song because I only dug it when she was perfect. And at the tender age of four she told me about it. She was no manipulating me, she was not even condeming me. She as very matter of fact about it and just thought I was going to agree with her. Humbling people. Very humbling. But cool at the same time. It also provided me the opportunity to talk to her about how I loved her no matter what. That no one is perfect. Including me and that is why Jesus died on the cross because he knew we could not be perfect and that we needed Him in our lives.

Next story... Toby... This week. Recently I have been researching books about kids and one of the books I am ordering is called, "10 things kids need to hear." One of those things was "I Believe in you." Toby is an encourager and likes to be encouraged. On Mondays at his school they have a morning assembly. Where all the kids get together in the gym. At the gym kids are handed out awards for cool things like, responsibility, integrity, honesty, etc.etc. The teachers nominate their students and they award the kids at the assembly. Whenever Toby's friends in his class receive awards. There is what I would call a golf clap going on. The kids are clapping. Parents are gathered around the outskirts of the gym clapping and smiling and the child walks up to get their award. Well Toby thinks it's the coolest thing when one of his friends gets an award. I laughed at him the first time he did it because of his enthusiasm. His friend Chloe got her award this year. She is in the "other" Kindergarten class, but because he knew her he was so excited she got the award. He started fist pumping and hooting and hollering and yelled, "WAY TO GO CHLOE!" He really like to see his friends succeed.

Well, this past week... Toby was walking into school. He was a little needy getting ready for school. Wanting hugs, asking me if I was coming to see him at lunch. Coming back to the house on his way to walk to school and told me his legs were cold. There was one thing after another. He never does this. Normally, he goes off to school with no problems. He is excited for gym class, he can't wait for lunchtime or showing his show and tell item. They also have this system in place so kids can learn classroom behavior. If they are doing something that doesn't coincide with how the class operates... or is not ok. They have them color in a rectangle. Toby has started to associate if he colors in a rectangle it defines who he is. Everyday he tells me if he colored in a rectangle. I've been trying to focus on other things in class so he doesn't get so preoccupied with the rectangles. Anyway, I put him in my van and I drove him to school and dropped him off. I gave him a hug and prayed for him. He ran up to the school and stopped about halfway and yelled, "Hey MOM!" I said, "Yes Toby? He said, " Can you say, I BELIEVE IN YOU... because it helps me not get rectangles." This was so out of the blue. I must have told him I believed in him one morning and he remembered. And he needed to hear it so badly... he asked for it.

Both of these examples are sometimes what I need to do as an adult. How many times to I believe the lie that God wants me to be perfect in order for him to love me? How many times do I need to hear from God, I BELIEVE IN YOU. Maybe when I'm not sure I can do it all by myself. My kids really bless me in so many ways... I thought I'd share a couple of them. lv, jen

Here I am... speed blogging

2010-01-30T06:33:00.000-08:00

Wow... It's been too long since my last post. God is stretching me to get myself in a place of being a little more organized with my time. Let's see since the last post...what's been happening.

I saw a Christian life coach (courtesy of my awesome boss) - blog content
I agonized over a playoff game (but I still love Bret Favre)
I am planning a Daddy Daughter Dance
I bought a dress for Grace for said dance
I am watching Josie get in crawling position (no forward movement yet)
My son asked me to tell him " I believe in you." (blog content for sure)
I shoveled about 16 feet of snow over a two week period
I have had one date with my husband
I'm helping my Mom rent her condo
I'm reading a new book called Redeeming Love... pretty much love it already
Looking for a women's bible study (weekly)
Still need to workout (as if shoveling were not enough)
Praying lots
Dreaming lots

Anyway, I'm not sure if there is something called speed blogging but this has been my month. I think I'll take a couple of things and expand on them. Have to go feed Josie who is yelling at me right now. :)

Back in the saddle

2010-01-08T22:21:00.000-08:00

I am one of those people who run around doing a lot of things but sometimes lose sight of the important things. I have needed to purchase a battery charger for my digital camera for a long time. It totally is missing and I have looked high and low for it. Praying I would find it. (mainly because I did not want to pay for another one). But alas it is gone. So I sucked it up and bought a new battery charger this week. I am so thrilled. I have captured new pics of our precious baby girl. She is hilarious. She is doing new things this week. She yells at the "big kids" when they are all over playing with Play doh at the table. She plays with toys in her height chair and "talks" to them to tell them how it is. She totally cracks me up. She also play with her voice. Yelling loudly just so she can hear it. She wants to touch everyhing. She is especially enamoured with little tags on her stuffed toys. Her little fingers try to grasp it...usually with her tongue poking out while she concentrates really hard. Joy. Pure Joy.

Well, here are some recent pics of our precious "monkey". She has obtained that nick name. I think it's because she smiles when I say the word... the sound of the word makes her smile. I will also be taking video at some point. I pray I can figure out how to upload a video.

Love you all. Peace to you this new year! lv, jen

PS - The massive amounts of drool in each picture are just an indication of how much she loves the teeth hiding just below her gums... waiting to burst forth!;)

Reflecting on a New Year

2009-12-31T10:30:00.000-08:00

PS - This song is dedicated to my friend Jill... she and her husband Mark LOVE this song.

At the encouragement of my sister in LOVE... "B" I am posting a blog today. BK and I take New Years Eve and the New Year to reflect on our family life together our blessings and starting fresh a New Year. I've been busy preparing my home for the new Year. Throwing things away, reducing clutter, organizing and folding laundry. I seriously think I have accumulated about 10 years of socks in this family. It's time to purge some of them.

My baby bro flies back to New York today. It is always bitter sweet when I say goodbye to him. I love him so much. I want him here. My kids ADORE him. But I know God has really cool life planned for him in NYC. I am excited for him to get back to it. Excited to hear how it all unfolds before him.

I am very content being home with my kiddos. Making them popcorn and hot cocoa (a treat after they cleaned their rooms) listening to them play together, laugh together and just hang out in their home. I am fussing over Josie, feeding her,changing her, playing with her. I havent really had much big kid qt with the older kids. I am praying I get to take them sledding or ice skating soon. What a blast that will be.

New Years Eve used to be "PARTY TIME" in my life prior to children. BK and I would stay out REALLY late, go to bars, and feel HORRIBLE on New Years Day. This year I am looking forward to Pizza Rolls, Buffalo wings, and BK is picking up a board game we can play with the kids tonight before bed. Then we will all go to bed around 9am.... (that's staying up late in this house!) And feel great in tomorrow morning. It may not sound exciting or thrilling or like a party to you. But the thought of spending time together as a family seems like the coolest thing I could possibly do.

I am also reflecting today on how God constantly is transforming us and making us new. I will not be the same person I was in 2009. So today I say goodbye to the Jen Kline of 2009 and look forward to the exciting adventure that awaits me in 2010. Some of it may be good.. some of it may be bad... but I am so gladI have the confidence that no matter what my faith, my hope and my joy in Jesus Christ will see me through every day. What a blessing my faith is to me. What an awesome blessing.

This Christmas

2009-12-23T06:53:00.000-08:00

I love Christmas. As I sit here drinking my coffee and listening to Christmas music, I get teary eyed. Maybe it's PMS, maybe it's nostalgia, maybe it's the holy spirit touching my heart and breaking it for the things God is doing in me and my life. Who knows. What I do know is that a long time ago, God sent his son, that we would call him Immanuel "God with us." And I am so very thankful for the gift He gave me in his son Jesus.

I am done shopping, I am done running around... I am ready to bask this Christmas in the true meaning of this holiday. I am ready to celebrate the greatest gift this world has been given. A baby boy, named Jesus who came to save us all. He came to give us life abundantly. He came to show us how to treat each other, love each other and help us fulfill God's plan for our lives. That's something to get excited about.

Jill and I were talking about it and we both have experienced the same tradition. We have a nativity scene with no baby Jesus in the manger until Christmas morning He amazingly appears there on Christmas Day. :) I will wake up Christmas morning, put Jesus in he nativity and thank God for all of the blessings of my life, my friends, my family, my church, my God. I will remember this Christmas how important this baby was many years ago... but I will mostly remember how important He is to me today in my life.

Thank you God for sending Jesus to be my savior. Thank you that you love me that much. Thank you for your relationship with me, for how you work in my life and the lives of my family and friends. Thank you for Christmas.

And then she prayed....

2009-12-11T07:17:00.000-08:00

She is going to poop when she sees this blog. But I had to write about it. As you can tell from my last post, I've been having myself a little pity party. After I wrote that post I met with my friend Jill... in prayer. We have been prayer partners for some time now. We've had to try to adjust the times and days we pray now that I am out of the house more and am running around like a chicken. But I cannot tell you how important this is to me.

You see Jill has discipled this heart of mine to draw closer to the Lord. She is wise. She loves God SO much. She wants to please Him. She wants her life to reflect Him. Her husband too... discipled me to live my life closer to the Lord. It's funny because as I look back on this four year friendship I have with her. It had to be God doing so much in this relationship. Each experience we have together, each element of this friendship spoke to my heart. We've been on adventurous road trips, we've ministered together, we've loved kids and teens, we've shared mommy stories where we've laughed and cried, we've shared husband stories where we've mostly laughed, we've cried about sad things, and we've loved each other's children. But what's best is that we've prayed.

Jill prayed for me a long time ago when I first came to the River church. I've posted about this before, but I was a mess. Searching for Jesus, I believed he died on the cross for me and my sins, but I wanted to understand why that was important. What the heck? He died such a long time ago? How is that relevant to me today? What did that mean? So I attended a women's ministry event with our church I heard my other friend and our senior Pastor's wife Linn speak about specific love. She told personal stories about how God reached into her life and touched her specifically. She told stories about how God is an intricate friend. How he knows the details and he sends the holy spirit to comfort and love us right where we need it most. That was it. That's all I needed to hear. That makes sense. Jesus did not die a long time ago just so we could talk about his death and be thankful he made that sacrifice thousands of years ago. He died because he knew we would need him and he died to show us God's love for us. He died so we knew we could be in relationship with God because of his sacrifice.

I digress... at that women's ministry event I asked for prayer. It was the first time in my life I had asked someone else to pray for me... now that I think about it. It was the first time anyone had offered. It was the best gift someone could give me. And Miss Palmer did it. She prayed hard. She prayed specifically and not just asking God for things, but praising him for things, I felt like I was in a private conversation she was having with God and it was about me. It was powerful.
And my prayers were answered. In small little specific ways after that day, I knew God was working in my life. He was speaking to my heart. This Christian stuff was not a joke. It was real. God was for the first time in my life visible to me. I could sense his love for me for my family. I watched him in the circumstances. He was there. He still is.

So, Jill and I prayed on Wednesday. She prayed for me again, in conversation with God. She prayed for peace, for courage for God's plan. She prayed for my family, my husband my marriage. She prayed for my ministry. What an awesome gift she is to me. What an awesome gift...the gift of prayer can be. Anyway, the next day I was getting all three kids ready to head out the door. I was packing up snacks, Billy was helping me and as I was picking up Toby's sweatshirt on the couch, it happened. Like it has happened so many times before... I felt joy. Pure joy. I know it sounds crazy... but I felt a flooding of joy. Given the things I was doing... (Getting ready for work and school) on the outside there is not much joy in that... but God provides us with all of our needs. With God all things are possible. I felt like a good Mom, I loved my husband, was I running around like a chicken? Yes... I was. But I knew I was right where God wanted me to be. What an awesome gift.

So this Christmas... I am going to ask all my bloggy friends to find someone to pray with. Find someone who loves the Lord who you trust who has been a big influence in your life and pray. And watch what happens. Watch God show up. Watch God draw nearer to you than you have ever experienced. What a faithful awesome God we have. He died thousands of years ago so she could pray for me. And he could be trusted to come through because he loves me.

Agreement and Hope

2009-12-09T05:14:00.000-08:00

We were talking in our staff meeting the other day. Our pastor was telling us about a ministry of men who are Christian life coaches. He was talking about how this ministry helps people assess things that they struggle with in life and puts them on a path that directs them. They use biblical principles and such. One of the areas this ministry works on with people is the area of "agreement". We have things that roll through our heads on a daily basis, ideas, thoughts, feelings, emotions. Every day we choose to agree or disagree with those things. God wants us to only agree with the things that are positive. But those are not always the things we choose to agree with.

I think God is pleased when we are not beating ourselves up. I think God is pleased when we are thinking positively. I think God is pleased when we are loving to one another. I think God is pleased when he sees us forgiving, giving grace and seeking him in the Bible or in prayer. I think God loves a joyful heart.

Then how come it is so easy to slip into an agreement in our own minds of all the things that are directly opposite? Lately I have been very hard on myself, I am in agreement to things that are negative. Two things are the catalyst for the beat down I have in my thinking patterns. New baby. New job.

I like to agree in my mind that I am good at and working towards loving God with all of my heart, then my husband, then my children, family and friendships and then the ministry God has placed me in. But why am I agreeing otherwise? Why do I believe the thoughts in my mind that tell me I am a master at none of these areas? That my relationship with God is not there, that I am not the best wife to my husband, that I am fumbling in ministry, that my kids are failing that my relationships are so far away.

My life verse is Jeremiah 29:11. When I heard it my heart swelled up and I was so excited. The words jumped off the page and grabbed a hold of me.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

This my friends is the truth. This is the positive goodness that the Lord has for me. He has plans for me to PROSPER, he has plans that include NO HARM.. God wants to give me a HOPE and a future. I am in agreement with this. I believe it. I choose to believe that this future God has laid before me is a prosperous life. One filled with hope and a purpose and goodness.

Why does God talk about giving me a "future?" Isn't that kind of obvious? Of course he gives me a future.. he gave me life. But I think when he talks about a future He is saying that as long as I give you breath and you are on earth... you have a job to do for me. You have a future that is purposeful, meaningful that you are going to make a difference for the kingdom of God. That is what you will do. That is your future.

So my friends as I share this tender glimpse into my not so perfect but OH SO HOPEFUL life... lets be in agreeement that no matter where God has us in this particuluar season of our lives.. that his plans for us are good. That he wants to give us a hope and a future that is bright and beautiful. I am in agreement with all things prosperous today. :)

Just hangin with the guys

2009-12-03T08:29:00.000-08:00

Me and BK... my awesome man

My youngest bro Austin

My Middle bro Brad

My oldest (but still younger than me)bro Peter

Ben - B Willy Servant leader always studying the word. Seeks God with all his heart.

Mark - Creative Genius, Pastor, friend

Steve organized loving and peaceful man and his wife Lori...

Dwight - our awesome Senior pastor who live and leads by his Godly example

Kevin Dolbee - Passionate youth pastor who is always excited about the Lord

Lately,I have been praying and asking God to help me see people as he sees them. To give me new wisdom, insight and of course he has delivered. The past couple of weeks it has been men. I work predominantly with an all male staff, I am married to an awesome man, my Dad is my neighbor and I have three younger brothers... all men. I am pretty much surrounded. (giggle) I am currenty working on a Daddy daughter dance at work which has had me thinking about how important men are to God.

Our society would like us to objectify, pigeon hole, stereotype men just as much as they would like us to stereotype women. Many men in our culture are shows as weak, lazy, dumb and limited human beings. But God has another plan. Men were created to be leaders, created to be do'ers, go getters, providers. They are the spiritual leaders of families. Men were created to be respected not demeaned. Valueable. Honorable. Good.

Before I took the job as a Children's Pastor, I asked the Lord to surround me and my kids and my family with good male role models. Godly men who were their own men. Who were confident in who God created them to be. Who didn't apologize for their faith. Who loved their wives and kids and wanted to please God. And man... did he deliver.

I am married to an awesome man who prays, puts value on his family, works hard, reads his Bible, loves the Lord and cares about his friends and family. I am learning to be the best wife I can be to this awesome man God placed in my life. Working with mostly men is helping me understand men a little more.

The staff of men I work with are some of the coolest guys I know. I am amazed at their hearts. They are so gifted, they all have a passion for what they do and they love God with all of their hearts. I am blessed to call them coworkers and friends, am learning so much from them every day. They love their wives, they expect respect, they are looking to the Lord every day, they speak the truth in love (even when it's hard to hear) they have grace and forgiveness in their hearts, they love to laugh and crack silly jokes and they are kind to youth and children.

I love it when God answers my prayers. It's a faithbuilder. Thank you Lord for the men in my life. They are a gift to me and my family.

Thanksgiving... what a blast

2009-11-27T07:33:00.000-08:00

I love love love this time of the year. As I type this post, I am sitting at the kitchen table at one of my most favorite places in the world. My Mom's house in Elephant Butte, New Mexico. Her home comes complete with a view of Elephant Butte lake and lots and lots of sunshine.
When we got here she had pre cooked a bunch of food for us. The fridge is stocked if we are hungry all we have to do is heat something yummy up to eat. The babies are loved on, the kids have their own "grandkids" room. Decorated in a space theme. They cannot wait to come to Grandma's house, what a true blessing she is to us. I am so blessed by my Mom and her love of her family. Her home is comfortable, fun and loving. As I type she is laying on the futon with Josie reading to her to take her mind off her hiccups that are bugging her. The kids adore her. Grandma is a pro at making sure each grandchild understands how important they are to her and her heart. What an awesome Mom I have who loves my children so much. I am so thankful for her love and her example.

Thinking and praying... about adoption

2009-11-21T20:53:00.001-08:00

My heart hurts. I literally is in pain. When I look at this picture of all of these children my heart is so achey and yucky. These are babies with no Mom or Dad. These are little children who do not have a family to call their own. These are babies that do not know specific love. They are in organizations that give "general" care. Where people "generally" care for them in a very basic way.

I am burdened for the orphan, for a couple of reasons. In the past four years God has been revealing to me little by little how important the orphan is to God's heart, and also to my own. God loves children. The joy kids bring to people I KNOW that I know is so much of who God will be to us when we meet him face to face. When I see my baby girl Josie's face light up with a smile as people coo and smile and love on her, I believe that warm fuzzy feeling you get from babies is a piece of God's heart. God revealing himself to us through children.

I love being a Mom, it is the greatest joy in my life. The other day I was sitting in Josie's nursery, laying with her on the bed listening to G and T play in the living room and I was overcome with unbelievable joy. It just flooded me. Believe me, not all days are like this. But seriously my heart and life is so blessed by my children I cannot even put it into words. They are gifts, true gifts to me and my heart. I see my faith was built by them and is continued to be built by little instances in my life. So I think to myself... if my faith was built by these wonderful babies God gave me with my own body... what a cool adventure would it be to watch God work in an adoption journey. However that may look.

I was adopted... so I understand how cool it is for someone who isn't related to me biologically (sounds so lame and scientific) to come into my life and love me as their own. My Dad and Mom were married when I was five years old. Very shortly afterward, my Dad "legally" adopted me in the courts. What an awesome thing he did...then he spent the rest of his life taking care of me, teaching me things, loving me the best he could and giving me an awesome life I never would have had. He loved my Mom and was opened his heart to loving me and my brother. What a huge cool thing. It impacted my life forever.

So when I see pictures like this I am blown away. I sit here in my cozy Colorado home. I have an awesome husband. We feed and nurture and love our children. We take them to gymnastics and karate and on bike rides. We laugh and play... and in the meantime... there are 147 million children all over the world without one ounce of what we could offer them. Children like these babies who's basic needs are taken care of but what about their specifics, what about their hearts, who "knows" them. Who can nurture them? Who is listening to them? I heard our pastor say one time that praying a prayer that says, "lord, break my haert for the things that break your heart is one of the most dangerous things you can do. Because when God reveals it to you... be ready for something that will change your life. Transform you. I have prayed that prayer. And it these beautiful babies break my heart. What is my response? What does God want me to do about it? I cannot sit here and just say... oh well, I guess that's just the way it is. Right now legislation is in place in Canada halting all adoptions from Africa. There are parents there who are in the midst of adopting a baby who cannot take them home because of a law. Yuck. In the Bible it says that true religion is caring for the widows and the orphans. What am I doing in response?

Matthew 25: 31-40

31"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. 32All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 33He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.
34"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'

37"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'

40"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

I cry as I type. These cribs are prisons, these children are strangers, these children need clothes and food and love. It breaks my heart. It just breaks it in two. Bill and I have talked about adoption. We met with our sweet pastors to learn more... we are prompted by God to help. Before Josie was born we filled out an application to adopt from China in about 20 minutes. It was literally a 20 page document that I was able to complete very quickly. I was ready and excited about the thought of adoption.

BK and I prayed and prayed... we wanted to make sure this is what God would have us do at that moment. We really wanted to make sure we were walking in God's plan. Not some impulsive thing we decided to jump into without some specific prayer. BK has alwayw wanted four children. After praying and talking with Bill, we really felt we should try for another baby and then we got pregnant with Josie.

So now I ask myself, what do we do now. We are blessed. We have three beautiful children. We live in a nice home in a beautiful mountain town with awesome church family. We don't have a lot of money but after talking to many people who have adopted they assure us that God's heart for the orphan is huge. He will be the provider. How to we respond to such an incredible need. Lord, what do you want me to do in response to knowing what I know. I will pray... I will listen and I will talk with Bill. But I challenge all my blog friends to do the same. What is your response to what you know? What are you doing for the "least of these? Please pray and ask God what he might have you do. Then listen. So much needs to be done. peace. - jen

Working out = hearing from the Lord

2009-11-20T13:18:00.000-08:00

Wow. Here I am Josie is 4 months old. Before I had this beautiful bundle of joy I worked out a lot. I prayed with my prayer partner that God would help me in my workouts. I prayed that I would have the desire to take care of myself. I think if I am honest with myself... that in my own way after my miscarriage, I wanted control. I was hoping that if I was more fit, skinnier in better shape I would be in a better place to get pregnant. Like if I was more fit, God would see it and bless me with a baby. Like God was saying... "let's see what you can do Jen... then I'll bless you with a baby." Duh. I'm such a dork! God does not manipulate. If I weighted 300lbs God would have given me Josie... or if I weighed 119 pounds God would have blessed me with Josie. It's God plan not mine. (Can someone please give me some kind of lobotomy or something so I get that? PLEASE?)

Anyway, my reason for this post is that today I was working out at the gym. I am treating myself to 3x a week over my lunch hour... a one hour cardio/interval strenght training class. I LOVE working out. I really do. I just have a hard time fitting it into my schedule. I have a hard time making myself a priority. But when I do... man does it feel GOOD!

As I worked out I prayed. I was praying about priorities about how proud I was that I actually got to the gym 2x this week (kiddos were sick on Wednesday so I couldn't go). I was asking God to reveal to me how he saw me.

I am a visual person so he showed me a picture of a woman who was fit, she had kids running all around her she was in the middle of some type of an event or activity but she had energy, she had joy and it was obvious she loved God. He whispered to my heart..."this is who I want you to be. This is my plan for you." I was like.. really? A super fit Director of Children's Ministries in Durango. OK... guess I have my work cut out for me! Because let me tell you folks... I am no where near being "fit". I have some pounds to lose and some muscle to chisel. Plus a 38 year old metabolism.

Now, who I saw in the mirror at the gym was very different from the picture he put in my mind. I will keep working out until my body resembles that awesome woman of God. I will make time for him in prayer while I workout. I will watch what foods I throw into my body. Not because I am manipulating God, but because I know his plan for me is good and he wants that kind of life for me.

I don't have to perform for God, I don't have to do everything perfectly. All I have to do is pray and listen to his still soft voice and know that as he guides me through my life I can be confident in ALL that I put my heart into.

Anyway, I had a blast working out. This teacher busted my buns... but it was an amazing time of prayer and a conversation with God.

Thank you Lord for speaking to me in the times I least expect it. Thank your for your good plan for me and my body. May what I do with it always glorify and please you. AMEN? AMEN!

Thankful for so many things..

2009-11-13T08:13:00.000-08:00

I've done it before so I'll do it again. Thankful Thursday on Friday.

I am so thankful for so much. This season of my life it is so good to remember how much I am blessed with. I am thankful for Josie my precious baby girl who brings me more joy with her squinty smile... she lights up my heart. I am thankful for the little girl Grace is becoming... a girl who is beginning to understand who she is, what she can do and the special gifts God has given her. I am thankful for Toby and how well he is doing in Kindergarten. How he is learning amazing social skills about how to treat others. He follows rules, loves the structure and schedule of school and seems to be thriving. I am thankful for my husband. Whew... BK... who is working a part time job as a ref... who is so supportive of my new job and has agreed to go on this adventure with me. I am thankful for the friends we have made in our Connect group, people I am getting to know. Who come to my house weekly to hang with us, share their hearts, and begin new relationships. They are truly awesome friends and a blessing to me and my family.

I am so thankful for the staff at church. My new co-workers. We are all getting to know each other in a work environment. It's a safe place to do that. I work with some of the most dedicated, loving wonderful people on the planet. People who want the River Church to be a safe loving place for people in Durango to come to. A church that can be proud of how we treat people. A church that goes out into the world telling people about Jesus and most of all being His example in the world of love and kindness.

I am thankful for my blog friend Cari and all my blog followers and fellow bloggers. All of your hearts are amazing. You inspire me, you make me think differently, you challenge me and you ask me to pray. What an awesome community and place to share our hearts and lives. I am truly thankful.

I am thankful for my family. My Mom and Dad... my brothers (and B and Al). Bill's family who we know support us and love us even though we left the Midwest to pursue this Colorado dream. I know from having my family move back to the midwest... how hard it is to watch your family leave and support them even though it hurts not to have them around. I am so blessed to have a family that gets it and loves us even with the distance.

I am also thankful for God's grace and love. Without God I am a wreck. With Him... I am a confident courageous bold woman who knows the plan he has for her is good. A woman who understands the importance of eternity over this world. I woman who wants to leave a legacy of love on this earth. A woman who's prayer is that the generations of Klines that come after us will be warriors for Christ, missionaries, good people who understand how to love others and who give all the glory to God.

I am so so thankful today. Peace friends!

It really does take a village

2009-11-05T19:28:00.000-08:00

This week was crazy. My life before full time job working out of home was at such a slower pace. I feel like I am constantly going going going. I get home wind down and when I finally am able to relax all I want to do is go to bed. Please don't feel bad for me. I am motivated by the fact that God is refining me and teaching me, he is doing a new work in me. I've blogged before that I do not want to be the same my entire life I want God to transform me. Well let me tell you sister... my prayers have been answered! lol. I'm totally babbling here, so let me get to my blog topic.

I've been thinking a lot about my kids. Things have changed dramatically now that I work out of the home and both of them are in school. Josie is with my awesome nanny 3.5 days a week and it just all feels and looks very different. I have this uncomfortable feeling and I have been trying hard to pinpoint it. I've been concerned about the amount of time I get to spend with my kids, the quality of that time. Am I ministering and loving them as much as I want to minister and love other kids in our church? Do I do enough to train them in what the Bible says... who is influencing them? Do they love them? Do they I give them Grace? Do others? Do I discipline them enough? Is it working? Is Josie getting ripped off? Do I need to spend more time with her? Am I a workaholic? I've noticed that G and T are interested in relationships outside of Bill and I. Grace has a teacher at church she calls her "big brother." Toby is wrestling with and being taught by some awesome youth (Children of other members of staff). They want to play with friends run around and talk to other people, they are becoming a little more independent. I have to rely on so many other people and trust they have G and T's best interest at heart. Can I do that? I don't feel ready to do that. But during this season I have to. I have to trust that the poeple God has put in my life for this time and this season are going to be as good as they can be to my kids. I need other people in my life to "assist" me in raising and loving my children. I always say there is no bigger blessing to me that someone genuinely loving my children and wanting the goodness I want for them. There is no greater compliment than someone telling me how cool they think my kids are and meaning it. They are my greatest gifts in life. My heart swells when I think about them. Please don't get me wrong. They are not perfect children and I don't expect them to be. But I am just in awe of how tender my heart is for my kids and other people's kids. I think it is because kids take you at face value. They want to see Jesus reflected in people and when they don't it is more of a disappointment than we could ever know. G is at an age where she wants you to be impressed with her independence. She wants you to know what she is learning... it's a normal part of her development. Toby wants attention. For people to see him. For people to notice what's special about him. I notice that in a lot of the kids in our church at the ages my children are as well. These are all normal things that kids their age want and need. But can I trust that my community will know that? I guess I just needed to write about the fact that a part of me has to give up some of the control I want over my kids. But as much as I want to do that at the same time I need to allow other people to speak into their lives, I need other people to love them, care about them and even sometimes disappoint them. I need to be able to ask for help when I need it and admit I cannot do it all. My spirit will seek out those who genuinely want to come alongside me to raise up awesome little Kline kids who people know love the Lord and are amazing examples of that love. People who can do it without judgement, without criticism, without high expectations. Again... hard stuff. I think we all want this as Mommies. People to care about our kids as much as we care about them. Truly... it is the biggest blessing. Do you have a village? Was it hard for you to give up control? Are you trusting God to do help? What about the disappointments? Just curious!

I love you Bill Kline

2009-10-28T12:26:00.000-07:00

BK,
I am so blown away by the awesome journey of our life together. If you look back on how we met, our LONG courtship, our engagement, our marriage and the time after that it has truly been an awesome adventure. And my love, I can seriously not imagine having been through all we have been through with anyone but you. You are my rock, you are the person who I trust, you know my faults, my flaws the real me... and you love me through it all. Thank you thank you thank you for who you are in my life.
And thank you too... for pursuing your life and being the spiritual leader of our family. Thank you for setting an awesome example to our kids and being an incredible father. You truly are the best gift God could have given me. I always say that when Grace was born it was the time when God took hold of me and spoke to my heart is such a dramatic way... but I have to say our wedding day was the beginning of it all. On that day, we asked God to take this walk with us. We both believed with our hearts and souls... and we pursued it together. Had you not agreed to do that with me, I never would have had a day with Grace on the surgery table hearing God speak to my heart so clearly. So I thank you for that. I thank you for your willingness to step out and pursue Him with all you have. For giving of your time, your talents and your life to serve and for the awesome coach, friend and lover of my life that you are.

I hope your day is incredible. I hope God reveals more and more to you as each year passes and I pray that he just unite us as a couple totally invested in what He has for us. I love you BK... your the best. Here's to nine years of being married to one of the coolest guys on the planet. yeah for me!

Love, Jen

It pains me...

2009-10-26T19:47:00.001-07:00

It pains me when I don't get to post a blog. It's been far too long. So much has happened. I have just started my full time job at the church, Josie is now over 3 months old. I run around like a chicken with my head cut off. I go to work with a purse a diaper bag, a laptop bag and a nursing pump oh yeah and Josie in the car seat. My "big kids" have gone to school with hair not combed... and Grace's hair swooped into a pony tail because... yes... I am picking my battles and hair is just not something I am going to freak out about. Please keep in mind, I took this job knowing full well that it would include this more "fast paced" lifestyle. Here's the deal, even though it takes me away from blogging and it sucks up more of my time. I get to spend all day thinking about planning and organizing ways to reach little kids for Christ. To make sure kids hear the story of Jesus and that he loves them. I think it's truly the best gift anyone can give a child. The hope of a savior. Faith that they are never alone. Anyway... we've been busy as a family. After the cowboy gathering and the barn party... we have started a small group at our home. We play games every other week and on alternate weeks we chat about what pastor talked about on Sunday. Keep in mind... my pastor is cool... really cool... and really funny. You should check him out at www.iriverchurch.com. His messages are in video and audio clips. He's good stuff and is very wise. I wouldn't go to this church and be so dedicated and inspired if it weren't for his annointing of the holy spirit on his life and the powerful words he speaks about living a life for Christ. I couldn't have a better boss. We had a HUGE concert at our church for the youth... BK and I worked it on our date night... it was actually a ton of fun. It made me miss being a youth leader. If the kids were a little older... I'd be doing it again. Too much fun! We also carved pumpkin went to the pumpkin farm hung out with my Mom for an entire weekend and I celebrated my 38th birthday. Josie is still sleeping through the night. There is no magic to it. It is a God breathed thing... when I was pregnant my dearest friend Jinny prayed that she would sleep through the night... and she is seriously good at it. Thanks Jinny! She is laughing and talking to me... she is a really happy baby. She looks like a little Who from Whoville in the Grinch stole Christmas. Speaking of Christmas.... I am looking forward to it. I am looking forward to lights and snow and Jesus' birthday. I am looking forward to Christmas cheeer and Christmas music. We also had some family pictures taken by our good friend Chelsea. I will for sure post those soon. Sorry I am throwing up in this post, but it feels good to just type and write to ya'll. My stalkers who I don't know or have ever had a comment from... and my known followers. I am praying about adoption... don't laugh. I really am. The reason I say don't laugh is because Josie is pretty small yet, but in some cases the adoption process is long and drawn out. If we wanted a baby two years from now... we would have to start the process now depending upon where we want to adopt from. My friend Lynsay owns an orphanage in China and is taking care of a little boy named Luke who has MAJOR heart problems. I saw his picture and thought... he could be mine. I could be his Mom. I showed BK his picture and said, Hey! You want to adopt him? He smiled. We live life on the edge here in Durango... Bring it on!

Alright I better go. I have far too much on my mind. I love you all, I am thankful for so much and I am glad I get to read all of your posts. Peace to you friends!
Love, Jen

Cowboy Gathering - We're such posers

2009-10-10T06:15:00.001-07:00

So, the morning of the Barn Party our family was invited to participate in the Cowboy Gathering parade. It was so cool to be invited, I had no idea what to expect. I've never been to this parade and I'm for sure not a cowboy! :) But our friends Ruth and Scott are avid supporters and volunteers at Spring Creek Horse Rescue. This horse rescue saves horses who are bought to be sold and killed. Ruth and Scott have adopted a couple of the horses and are amazing people. We were happy to be asked to be in the parade. Toby and Grace LOVE animals and horses what sweet fun we had with our friends.

We all got dressed up in our cowboy gear and attended the parade. We were not sure what to expect. We thought we would put Josie in our jogger stroller. One tire was flat before we left the house. So Billy inflated all tires before we left for the parade. We packed up the car and left for the parade.
The parade was fun. We got the horses in place and the kids and determined where we were in the parade. Our number was 50 so it was a pretty substantial parade for Durango. (we are not known for our parade fanfare) So as we were waiting we put the horsies to the test and my 2.5 month old daughter. Out of no where there was a HUGE sound... like a gun shot. Now if you know anything about horses you know they are skiddish to begin with to be in parades... but when a HUGE gunshot sound happens. You'd expect the horses to go balistic. The horses were fine... they all just stood calmly. I look and the tire in our jogger stroller blew out. My wonderful husband inflated the tire a smidge too much. And woke us all up, I nearly peed my pants. OH yeah, when we walked out to promote the horse rescue, I was a little overwhelmed. The streets of Durango were packed, Grace saw friends from school we did our best parade wave and smiled. Here are the pics.

The Cowboy Gathering - WE

2009-10-10T06:14:00.001-07:00

only my God.

2009-10-08T09:17:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to type a quick blog to talk about God's faithfulness and how he works in the most specific ways. As the Director of Children's Ministries here at the church I have been praying about the Mission of this ministry. What are we about? What is our goal as a ministry? As I've prayed and listened... God as delivered.

This ministry has to be first and foremost a "safe place" for kids to come to. They need to feel God's love in this place. It has to saturate everything we do. By safe I don't mean safe like we have safe toys and things, but emotionally safe. God's love and heart for kids needs to be reflected by everyone they come in contact with in our church. I have been grappling with what the goal or mission of this ministry. I have been praying and asking God for his direction in my life and what's next for riverKIDS. A wise friend talked to me about the this concept. that every child in our ministry is Seen, Heard, Known and Loved. Isn't that cool? God has put it on my heart that all of the curriculum, the crafts, the snacks, the schedules, environments, toys etc. is necessary but secondary to this overall goal. God wants us to teach the children yes... and we will do that. But Jesus taught his disciples by "being with" them. I am reminded of the story in the Bible about Martha and Mary. It is easy to be a bunch of Martha's running around getting Children's ministry done. But Jesus wants us to be Mary. To be present to Jesus and to be present to the kids we minister to daily.

Do we see them? If so How? Are we listening to them? What are they saying? Do we know their hearts? How can we reflect Jesus to them? Are we loving them in all of it? Do we see the kids as God sees them. Do we treat them they way Jesus would? Do we respect and honor them the way God does. Jesus wants to be WITH us. Do the kids feel like we want to be WITH them... like Jesus? Once we get this part right we will see the fruit in everything else.

Of course after I had chewed on this concept for a while, I prayed about it. I asked God... "is this too mushy?" Is it too simple to execute? But then God reminded me of my story about Ella, the little girl who knew nothing of God or Jesus. And the chorus to this song she memorized in our van on the way to the barn party. The words that touched her heard in such a big way. And they said this:

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And He hears me when I call

The chorus to this song speaks of just that. Knowing... Seeing and Hearing and when we do that... kids can't help but feel loved. God does not put experiences people and things in our lives by accident. He is intentional and I believe Ella's story and all the ways I have been influenced by this concept are God led. I believe it is important to God and I am so so blessed God loves me and my church so much he would show things to me in this way. It's going to be a great year in Children's Ministry.

A moment I''ll never forget

2009-10-04T17:05:00.000-07:00

This weekend was SO busy. My body is shot. This old girl needs to start working out. We held a big event yesterday out at a ranch sponsored by Children's ministry called "the Barn Party". It is a fall event to bring families together. We plan music, games for kids, lots of candy and treats, cake walk, musical chairs etc. etc. In the past years this event has drawn quite a few people. A lot of times when we hold events like these we measure success by numbers. How many people did we have... was it successful. The venue is donated by a local man who loves to offer up his ranch. Putting it together requires a lot of time and effort not only by me but by a large team who volunteer in the ministry. They seriously spend LOTS of their free time on planning, and implementing this awesome event. It knocked us all out.

I am writing about the event not because of the event itself. What God has taught me this year is that numbers does not equate success. But God used this event to show me what success looks like in his eyes. What happened is something that will change how I measure success in the children's ministry at our church. It's a story about Grace's friend Ella who she brought to our barn party.

Ella and Grace adore each other. Grace likes to talk about her faith to her friends, she likes to ask them if they believe in Jesus. Grace has asked Ella if she belives in God or Jesus and Ella told her... "not so much." Ella's Mom is a sweet awesome lady... her Dad a really nice man. This year however, Ella's Mom told me her and her husband were in the middle of getting a divorce. It broke my heart. Mom and Dad's divorce was final this summer. Mom lives in town, Dad lives out by us.

Preface: Ella and Grace happened to be watched by a babysitter prior to the party, the babysitter watched the kiddos while we set up the event. When the event started our babysitter Ashley drove all the kids out to the ranch in a friend's van.

So here we have Grace and Ella at the party. She had fun at the party, they ran around played games, ate treats, laughed giggled and got their faces painted.

On the way home we started talking. I wanted feedback from kiddos I wanted to know if they had fun. I wanted their input on the food, the prizes, etc. etc. Ella said she had fun, she said she thought the party was cool, she said she liked the music and the prizes.

Then she told me what she thought of her ride to the event. She told Grace and I that she liked the music that was playing in the van on the way out to the barn party. Grace said, "yes, that's called worship music. I like the song "Jesus is my best friend."

Then little Ella who does not really believe in God, who had never heard one word of worship music in her life told us in the most honest child like way.. " I like that song... um... that song... it sounded like kids were really singing it.. where they sang:

"He knows my name, he knows my every thought, he sees each tear that falls and he hears me when I call."

The tears welled up, I could hear he heart, she didn't just like the song. At the core of who God created her to be she could hear God drawing her near. She needed to know that God loved her knew what she was going through and knows her. Knows her heart, and hears her every prayer. At the tender age of seven, this little girl is going through some major stuff in her life. Her parents are getting a divorce. She stays with Mom during the week and Dad on weekends. Her world has been rocked.

And in one night her heart has been touched by God's love. God orchestrated a relationship with my daughter, this barn party event and my awesome church for Ella to hear for the first time that God knows her name, knows her pain, and wants to hear from her. A seed has been planted. This is God's success.

Then we talked about what happens on a Sunday at our church she asked me if she could come to our church.

I am praying for her. I am praying for her family. I am so blessed that God put this awesome little girl in my life and the life of my daughter. This is totally a moment that God orchestrated. He knew our faith, he knew Ella's pain, he knew what she needed exactly when she needed it and he gave her a message in a worship song that will draw her nearer and nearer to him. Please pray with me for this little girl, that she be blown away by God's grace and mercy. Pray for her parents who are going through a difficult time and I will do the same. In the meantime I will also be praising him for this moment I'll never forget.

Thankful Thursday - Cari

2009-10-01T07:59:00.001-07:00

Isnt' blogging funny? A place where you can share your thoughts with the world. A place where you can write whatever you want to everyone in the world. My friend Jill introduced me to blogspot... I really am blessed by it in so many ways... Jill also introduced me to Andy and Cari's Blog... (see link at sidebar). She told me about this amazing woman who had been through so much in her life... you see in the past year Cari's daughter at 7 months old was reunited with Jesus and at around the same time her husband Andy was diagnosed with a brain tumor and to top it off she was pregnant and due around the same time I was going to deliver Josie.

Jill knows how much I like to pray, she advised me to check out Cari's blog. It's funny how God can take circumstances that make you think you are going to impact someones life and totally blow you away in your own life. I thought, how cool! A family I can pray for! A family that needs God. But once I popped on to her blog... what I realized was that this woman had a HUGE heart for God. She prayed, she quoted scripture to help get her through, she knew God in such an intimate way from her life circumstances that at this point I thought... man I NEED MORE PRAYER! :)

I am thankful that Cari has shared her story. I am thankful that she has given me a new perspective of life on this earth. That someday when I meet Jesus and am in heaven I will get to meet her sweet baby Caden. That for eternity we all don't hang out on earth together but we get to spend eternity in heaven with Jesus and God who created all of us. I am thankful for Cari's faith, for her peace for her honesty and her ability to be vulnerable and at the same time confident in what she believes in who God is for her and her family. I am thankful she had her son Rigg who brightens up her days and brings her joy and is an awesome boy who she will be able to tell stories about Caden.

Today I am thankful for this family who although I only know them through my own blog stalking... have been ministered to and learned from. What a great gift.

To make you laugh... check this out

2009-09-29T14:33:00.000-07:00

Josie is just starting to laugh and coo and even giggle a bit. This video warms my heart and I totally love it!

Just Me the Champion...

2009-09-24T09:57:00.001-07:00

The other day when I was dropping off Grace and Toby at school a Mom stopped me to ask if Grace and her daughter could have a playdate. She is an awesome Mom and was one of my OB nurses in the hospital with Josie. She mentioned that I "Look greaat" and that I lost ALL my baby weight... I shook my head vigorously (that's funny to imagine)but told her NO NO NO I did not lose all my baby weight. I have about 20lbs to lose to get back to my pre baby weight. Having a C-section delays the hardcore workouts of my past as well as being sleepless and having small amounts of time to get things done during the day. So I have a challenge ahead of me. But I will do it. This body does not lose weight by merely cutting back on the food I eat. God requires more of me to be fit. I need to workout about 4 days a week and eat well. Lucky me! :)

My profile name on this blog has a funny story to it. I posted it a while ago but I thought I'd repeat it for fun. Last time I started a new workout plan, I was adamant that I would lose the weight and I would get healthy. I never have felt athletic or like I was really good in PE. I never really exceled in those areas. But I had never been pushed either. I started doing Denise Austin DVD's on the television and saving one hour a day to myself... an hour where this Mommy got some ME time to workout. I LOVE working out, I just rarely make the time to do it. Denise Austin has a feature on her DVD's where you can mute her voice. Some poeple think she is annoying. I would pray before each workout and ask the holy spirit to multiply what was happening in my body. I also ask God to take calories out of chocolate... He could do it if he wanted to! ;) Anyway, one day when I was working out I was at the end of the workout doing the stretching... I felt accomplished and exhausted I felt sweaty and tired. And then Denise said... "good job, your doing great, your an athlete, a champion." Now, I don't know if I was hormonal at the time or what but when she called me an athlete and a champion I just started crying. I was sitting in my living room crying and thinking to myself. I AM a CHAMPION. I really am. It makes me laugh when I look back on it now. But I think many times we can believe the voices in our head that tell us we can't do something more than we believe the truth. And the truth is I am a champion. A champion mother, a champion wife, a champion athelete and a champion for Christ. It doesn't get any better than that. Peace!

Mighty to Save

2009-09-21T19:33:00.000-07:00

In the next couple of weeks the kids in our children's ministry are worshipping in "big church" to this song. Today my daughter was listening to it on her Dad's ipod and singing as loud as she could the lyrics. She believed them. She was confident. Then I started thinking... do I really understand how big how powerful and how awesome God is? Can I even comprehend his power and with that can I even ever comprehend his love? If he created everything in 7 days... and his power raised Jesus from the dead... he WILL do and CAN do whatever he wants.

I love to pray. I love to pray because it causes me to be aware of when God has answered my prayers. If you are praying a lot it is because you have seen prayers answered that could only be answered by God. You see God in it. There is NO coincidence. God likes us to pray because he enjoys the conversation, he loves hearing from us, like a daughter calling her Daddy when she's far from home. He delights in our voice and our thoughts. But when it comes to answering prayers, he knows what's coming, he's already got it covered. He will act even if I didn't pray. He loves me that much. When I pray and see God move in an answer to prayer I cannot help but tell people. A prayer answered is a faith builder. My God is mighty like that. He puts it on my heart to pray so the truth can be told. He can move a mountain. He is SO mighty. That's so awesome.

Welcome to "Funk"y town

2009-09-19T09:49:00.000-07:00

First of all, I need to change the main picture on this blog... it does not represent the Kline family on this day. We need to take a new family picture so I can put it on here. That will come soon. Baby Josie fulltime job and family/church stuff is time consuming. We'll fit it in here someday soon.

Did you ever have one of those days weeks and months where you just feel like a punk? Today I woke up in a funk... funky... funkadelic. So, I am practicing living more intentionally... not letting my "feelings" and emotions rule the day. Time is too precious, life is too short to let emotions and feelings run me into the ground.

So on most days like this I would get frustrated easily, be quick to anger say things I'll regret, let the little things get to me. But not today. I am doing an experiment in "acting" the opposite of what I feel. If I feel angry, I'll do something that makes me happy or another person happy. If I feel sad, I'll try to get my baby girl to laugh. If I'm frustrated about something I can't control, I'll blow it off to think about it later .

Do the feelings follow the actions? Well, so far it has worked.

In the 80's there were these books called "choose your own adventure" books. Where you could make a choice and depending upon your choice the book would turn out differently. I am being intentional with my actions today praying that my feelings will be obedient and follow shortly thereafter. So far it has worked... this morning could have been riddled with yuck and funk. Not today. Nope... not today. Peace

What do you put your hope in?

2009-09-15T19:27:00.000-07:00

I used to hope for a big house, now I'm happy for the one I have. I used to hope for a really nice car a red one with shiny black tires, now my minivan rocks. I used to hope for a perfect body with perfect skin, now I have stretch marks but three beautiful children. I used to hope to travel the world, now I see life through my children's eyes. I used to hope to get stuff, now I want to "give".

Now my hope is only for God's promises in my life. That his word is true. That anything is possible with God. The great commandment and the great commission are true. Love others like He did... Tell others about Him and how he saves us right when we need Him most. That is my hope.

boom boom

2009-09-11T13:53:00.000-07:00

You know when you hear a story and it sends tingles down your spine? Well I heard one today and I just have to share it with my blog friends (and stalkers) hee!

My brother Austin is an amazing young man. He turns 21 this winter and is at NYU studying musical theatre. My Mom had him when I was 17 years old. He is the baby in the family and was pretty much raised as an only child there was such a huge age gap between he and my brothers and I.

Because of that he spent tons of time with my Grandparents. Austin had an incredible relationship with my Grandma on my Dad's side.

We all did. But when we were all off at college and in school. Austin and Grandma developed a deep awesome friendship. They would go to the park. He would call her and ask her if he could sleep over at her house. She was an amazing woman with a thick German accent and a heart of gold. She loved him so much. Austin and Grandma could talk for hours. She would take him around at the age of 8 or 9 and he was so proud of her. He had Grandma's heart. She would take him to concerts, ballets and the theatre. She had a huge passion for it. She loved Pavarati, Placido Domingo and lot of other Opera singers. She even subscribed to Opera magazine. She never played an instrument or sang herself but she had a passion for music and theatre.

She always had tic tacs in her purse and coffee candy in a glass dish in her living room. Austin would always ask her for a tic tac.. he LOVED them with her. He referred to them as BOOM BOOM's. We would all laugh because whenever he saw Grandma he would immediatly head for her purse to get the boom boom or ask for it politely. Grandma passed away before we moved to Colorado.

Well Austin is now in New York studying musical theatre which is so cool. I always think about how proud she would be of him. He loves it. He is great at what he does and he has a good perspective on it too. When he was home this summer he heard the opera singer Andrea Bocelli was going to sing at Carnegie Hall. Austin wanted to go very badly. He told me the tickets were really really expensive and on a college student's budget he couldn't afford it. My Dad knew about Austin's desire to go to Carnegie Hall and told him that after thinking about it for quite a while he wanted to pay for his ticket to see him. Really good seats like 40 ft away from him. He said if he didn't pay for it... Grandma would have been really mad. So he paid for the ticket.

Austin went to the concert at Carnegie Hall the other night. Here's the cool part. I was saying how Grandma was probably with him as a guardian angel that night. Watching over him... enjoying it with him. He said that when he arrived he sat next to three older ladies. Two of them were in their 50's and one of them just turned 100years old. He sat next to the lady who was 100. He said that she looked and smelled like Grandma. Then he said, right before the show started... the older lady without saying anything really to him.... reached into her purse and asked him if he wanted a tic tac. He told me at that moment he said a prayer and thanked God for having "Grandma" with him that night. God is so good. He knows exactly what we need when we need it. And I believe he knew my brother needed a touch from the Lord and an awesome memory of my Grandma delivered to him and he got it... at Carnegie Hall listening to Andrea Bocelli...eating a tic tac.

Born Again

2009-09-10T21:30:00.001-07:00

Listen to this song. I love it. Although I don't ever refer to myself as born again I do feel new or different or transormed. God will never leave me the same. I am always transformed by his love and influence in my life. I felt new the day after I was baptized in the Animas River. I had a new perspective. I understood my purpose on earth. Praise God for all things new! Enjoy this song from Third Day. I'll try to pause my playlist.

Peace!

Writers block

2009-09-06T21:41:00.000-07:00

It bothers me when I sit down and cannot come up with something to write about. That has been me in the past week. I have been so preoccupied with new job and kids in school and the new busier schedule...

I feel like I am so busy transitioning my life I have yet to settle into a new normal. At work I am waiting on my laptop, my office is empty and boring. We joke that it's the principals office or a dentists office. :) I still have to organize the HUGE closet I was blessed with and figure out what stuff I need to keep and get rid of. (I am planning to decorate the office to make it kid and adult friendly)

At home, I am working through piled up laundry, purging more toys( yes... more toys) from my kid's room and trying to determine how long both of them can live in their room and function for much longer. Grace needs her own space. They are getting a little too old to share.

I battle negative thoughts daily about everything. Finances are tight. (which is uncomfortable but necessary for this season) However, we are working towards being debt free and really getting ourselves on a budget.

All of the above gives me writer's block. No funny stories. Can't slow down enough to pay attention. This morning at church I cruised by our Senior Pastor and he literally was a blur. I had to stop. Slow down, look at him and say an intentional "good morning."

But today, I found my inspiration again. We came home. The kids were exhausted. We all ate some lunch and we napped. We just slept and I slept HARD. I don't make a habit of this but I really enjoy it . Josie took a nap with me in the bed. When I look at her, I am inspired and feel blessed. The rest of the world melts away. My negative thoughts turn to joy. Nothing else matters. This beautiful girl has entered my life and I am so so so happy. I kiss her cheeks, and she smiles at me. I say her name and she grins. She is pure goodness and I am inspired.

So as my transition time becomes a new normal... I will write more. But for now I will enjoy these quiet times with my baby. I will relish every moment... and blog.

The Interview... and my first Sunday!

2009-08-31T20:36:00.000-07:00

Well, I made it. I decided to cut my bangs before I had to get up in front of the church. I got rid of the Van Halen hair and updated my "do" just a little bit! (again I am laughing) I refuse to cut the length I am trying to grow my hair out to. I have had short hair for a long time and I am going to have long luxurious hair if it kills me! I love pony tails! (still laughing)

Anyway, we went to the church and delivered all of our kids to their prospective kid classes. I found my spot in the church and tried to relax. I was so nervous I went to the bathroom like 3 times. I knew what he was going to ask... and I had thought about my response a hundred times. But I wanted it to come from my heart I wanted people to hear my heart for the ministry. I did not want it to sound rehearsed or contrived. It was truly my heart.

He asked me, what is your vision for Children's ministry.

I told him that after working in Children's Ministry with all of the people I had they all had one thing in common. "They wanted to please God." So at the very core of this ministry I want all that we do to please God first and foremost. I wanted what God wanted... and as I prayed I believe that God wants kids in the nursery to be held by Grandma's and Grandpa's and to be prayed over by them. That God wanted kids in preschool to begin to understand the power of relationships and that there are adults that model Jesus' love to them in a safe place. That preschoolers could pray for one another. That God wanted our 1st-3rd graders to hold the word of God in their hearts so when they had to make tough decisions they would know what God said about it. That the 4th and 5th graders would begin to have a confidence in their faith and be servant leaders that disciple other kids and families. Oh yeah... and that we would have a waiting list of volunteers ready to serve in Children's Ministry to love kids and tell them about Jesus.

It was cool. I had goosebumps. I felt passionate about it. (still do) But what surprised me is what came after the services. I was nervous to walk around our church and introduce myself and talk to new people. I thought this would be so scary.

A good friend of mine told me that God would place a "mantle" on me once in the new position. A mantle that would prepare me for this leadership position. I was not sure what that meant. But once I was introduced I was walking around talking to people I did not know, introducing myself, asking questions, talking to kids. Getting to know people and it felt totally natural. I was joyful doing it. I was excited to get to know these people because I wanted them to feel totally welcome in our church. God has placed an amazing group of people in our church and I am truly looking forward to what the future holds.

Please pray for me as I continue down this path. That not only am I doing the things God would have me do but that he receive every bit of glory that comes from it. He has big plans for Durango, for the kids at our church. It is not going to be easy or fun all the time.. (I'll post about that later) but it is going to be something that I know I will look back on and be happy I stepped out believing God would take care of it all. And I know he will.

The first week...

2009-08-29T01:37:00.001-07:00

BK and kiddos at the carnival

Grace walking Toby to School (the school is right behind them)

Well, we made it through the first week back to school and the first week of me starting a new job. I have to say I planned this horribly. I should have transitioned all of this better. Doing it all at once was very stressful on myself and my kids but we survived.

I am not working from home so this is a huge transition for the big kids. T had a very hard time this week. I have to say that I have raised so far a very huggable loveable wonderful mama's boy. Not intentionally. We spent lots of time together when he was not in preschool and over the summer. Then Josie came and rocked his world a bit. Then school started and now I'm not home to be with him immediately after school. Today he did not want to go but I let him wear his scary Halloween teeth and Grace told him she would hold his hand and they could walk together and I would meet him there and he was cool with it so he felt better. He also got to play with the electric pencil sharpener and he loved that. I visited him one day over lunch and he was digging that. He also just popped up and went right back to class after lunchtime. What a trooper.

It breaks my heart to watch G and T go to school. I have many friends that homeschool. Believe me, I have prayed and prayed about this option. However, as difficult as it is to take my kids to school, I know that I know that God wants them there. Grace has already this week talked with kids about the Bible (again). They were just talking a little bit about stories they all knew from the Bible. I would love to have sat in on that conversation. A bunch of 7 year olds comparing stories they knew. She said one girl was talking about the "last days" and how the Bible says the moon will turn the color of blood... Grace was very impressed with her friend's knowledge. She made it sound very dramatic in those last days! :) She also is concerned about homework. Second grade has a bit more demanding homework schedule, lost of spelling, math and reading work we can do as a family after school. We will need to make time for it. I think it just helps kids prepare to do homework later. It's fun homework like spelling things in shaving cream on the kitchen table! I dig it! G has also been awesome, she needs snuggles and love too. Even though she's the big sis, helping Toby and loving on Josie... the first day came with it's share of anxiousness. We gave hugs, I came and had lunch with her in school and I talk to her about how much I miss her during the day. She's so beautiful and wonderful. I am a proud Mama to G.

I know some Mom's look forward to school starting. I really don't. I LOVE the summertime and spending it with my kids. I love the enjoyment I get out of waking up with them (late) eating sugary cereals taking them to the pool, carnival, playing outside and just spending time together. I love hearing them "playing". T will say... "and then I am the dog and then you come in and you are my Mommy dog and you take me to the doctor.. ok G? OK?" They are a team and I love being their Mommy.

Josie is doing great. She spent time this week with her new nanny Autumn. She is great. She understands how hard it is for me to leave her. She brought Josie to the church multiple times. She calls me and texts me throughout the day, she texts me pictures of her and tells me how great she is. I couldn't ask for a better person to help me love on this wonderful baby girl.

You might ask me what's up with BK in all of this. BK is awesome. We need a date night FOR SURE! We haven't been on one in too long the kiddos are sucking up all of our emotional and physical energy. When he gets home from work, we eat and chill a little, then G and T demand he get out on the trampoline with him. Today they golfed a bit in the yard after supper. We've been reading a book called the 15 minute organizer to help us stay organized with our busy schedules. BK is all about it and I am so thankful.

Well, as the "Director of Children's Ministries" God is laying lots of things on my heart. I am a little nervous because Pastor said he was going to introduce and interview me a bit on Sunday about this new position in front of the church. I'm mostly nervous about my hair because I seriously need a new updated cut. This rocker VanHalen thing has got to go... (I laugh as I type).

I am trusting that this new season in our life will be a good one. BK and I have said that we just need to get this down... it takes time, transition and a new way of looking at our life. God will ease us into it all. As I pray and talk to God in the middle of the night, He gives me the peace in my heart to know I am exactly where he has me to be. Even if it is uncomfortable for me right now. I look forward to tomorrow because it has been given to me. I am praying for my kids, praying for my marriage and praying that it all just falls in place. Sorry it's been a while since I've posted. Not enough time in the day! :)

Then and now... The "Church Lady"

2009-08-20T06:28:00.001-07:00

I was just telling a friend of mine the other day that I think it's hard for people to swallow a Christian's lifestyle because it is so different from what the "world" looks like.

If you would have walked up to me in college and told me that someday I'd be an aspiring children's pastor, that I'd be attending church regularly sometimes spending all day at church just for fun I would have laughed in your face.

If you would have told me that to pray for someone gives me goosebumps and makes my heart skip a beat I'd tell you that you've lost it.

If you would have told me that someday I would attend a Bible camp with hundreds of teens and on the last day minister to a boy who wanted Jesus in his life... I would have doubled over.

If you would have told me that I'd prefer playing in the pool with my kids over a trip to Europe... I'd tell you no.

If you would have told me that I'd someday contemplate adoption and tear up everytime a story is told of a child without parents, I would have told you... not so much.

But that is who I am today. My life in my new faith looks different yes. God is making things crystal clear for me lately. My heart soars at the thought of what the future brings.

I look forward to eternity. I look forward to meeting Jesus someday. This life on earth is short. I plan to use this time to prepare for that day.

The path to getting here...

2009-08-14T07:14:00.000-07:00

I am feeling nostalgic today. If you've read this blog you'll know I do this every once in a while. I take myself back to a place and time in my life. I think about the "good ol' days." I relish the journey God has walked with me.

I grew up in a home in a nice suburb of Milwaukee. My Dad and Mom both worked. My parents worked hard to raise us in a really nice area with a great school district in the town we lived in. They wanted the best for all of us. I don't think living where we lived came easy. It was expensive to live there. Many of my friends were "loaded". Their houses were perched on Lake Michigan's shores. We lived further in town but nonetheless had a great home and beautiful huge yard. My brothers and I were blessed by how much they desired us to be raised in a good community. Both of my grandparents lived close by so we would often see them and spend holidays with them. We were invited over for dinners, our granparents would take us places like ice skating and out to dinners and maybe even just have us over for a sleep over.

THE BURNT BRIDGE TAVERN

I spent summers going "up north" to a place called Eagle River, hanging at "Summerfest" a HUGE music festival in Milwaukee. In Eagle River we would always stop at this gift shop called the Strawberry patch... and I would pick out a stuffed animal. We would go to this cool tavern called "The Burnt Bridge." At Summerfest we would watch bands, go on rides, eat tons of good food and get our faces painted. I have so many good memories of my childhood.

I also rode my bike everywhere! I had a season pass to our local pool in town and had tons of fun with my brother's in our neighborhood. We rode our bike to a closeby candy store. I used to buy a pack of gum for a quarter. We rode our bikes to friends houses, to the grocery store called Piggly Wiggly (as we got older) and eventually when I got a job at a local veterinary clinic I even rode my bike there. I had a friend named Sherri who's parents owned a really nice restaurant in town. I would ride my bike to the restaurant, we would get food from the kitchen and go hang out by the pool (in the back of the restaurant). I have awesome summer memories.

My birthday was in October so many of my birthday parties were Halloween themed. I know some Christians are totally opposed to Halloween. Our Halloween parties were harmless and fun. We liked to dress up, we loved the traditions, the food, the candy and the memories. My brothers and I used to take the pumpkin seeds out of the pumpkin and put them in between our fingers and shoot them at each other. My parents did a great job of making holiday's special. Christmas and Thanksgiving were also big events at our house. My Mom would totally go all out to throw great parties for all of our relatives to come over and enjoy. Spending time together was important to our family.

My Mom and Dad put an addition on our home. My Dad and Grandpa did the work entirely themselves. I don't think they hired many outside My Dad worked to give me my own room. (I shared with my bro for a bit) He put hardwood floors in that room and my Mom let me pick out my very own wallpaper. Pink wallpaper with tons of strawberries and teeny tiny hearts all over it. I remember watching my Dad put each slat of wood down in my room. I remember how hard he worked to do it. My parents loved our family and wanted the best for all of us. They worked hard to give us a comfortable life.

My parents also had a great collection of vinyl records and a really nice "stereo system". They would play it loud. Sometimes we would all dance. Sometimes just my parents would dance. Willie Nelson, Jimmy Buffet, Jim Croce, The Pointer Sisters and John Cougar Mellencamp and Lionel Richie would be playing on that system many times. Once I got my first albums (Air Supply and Micheal Jackson's Thriller) I played many of them on the system too!

So today I leave you with a glimps of my past. I also leave you with a few songs on the playlist that I grew up with listening to in my house. Some of you may have not ever heard these songs. They are special to me, enjoy.

Frumpy McFrumperson

2009-08-10T14:34:00.000-07:00

Excuse me while I whine for a moment...

I feel gross. Four weeks after the birth of my baby girl... and I feel yuck. You know what I mean? My nursing bra's are tight, my "regular" pants don't fit well enough to wear them. Some of my maternity pants fit me and some of the maternity pants are just WAY too big.

Some days I shower, some days I don't. I love wearing pajamas. My nails have not been painted in a long time. My feet are dry and cracked... (is this TMI?) In have his new dark hair color that I'm not digging that much. I mostly smell like baby shampoo (which smells good) or some days spit up (does not smell good). Today I was running my fingers through my hair and my fingers got stuck at this one point... I realized Josie probably was trying to eat my hair or spit up in it... nice... and ewww.

BK is very supportive. He tells me all the time that I am pretty... but I just don't FEEL so cute lately. My "too tight" nursing bra's have this way of making me feel super frumpy. Then throw a nursing pad in there to make sure I don't leak all over my clothes and it's just adds to the ewww of it all. I am not complaining. I am just stating the facts. I am now in the season of Frumpy McFrumperson. I can't wait to put on a pair of regular jeans, be a well kept, NON sleep deprived Mama. That day will come.

Josie is up right now, cooing, grunting and being adored by her brother and sister. I look at her and KNOW that this season is worth it. Taking care of her and my kids brings me more joy than anything. So I think I can make it through this "awkward" stage. I've done it before I'll do it again. But in the meantime I'd like some "cheese" to go with my whine ;)

A brand new adventure - Whew... here we go!

2009-08-06T08:41:00.000-07:00

I have been blogging for some time and referring to this "new" thing or season in my life that is fast approaching. This has been a God planned, God directed journey for me and as it unfolded before me I was actually pretty amazed. It started four years ago when we moved to Durango.

The first advance toward this cool thing was when I decided I wanted to be a youth leader. I love hanging with teens, I love hearing their hearts, I love acting goofy, being silly and understand the heart of kids at this age. Being a youth leader was one of the most fun times in my life. It deepened my faith as I watched God working in the lives of all the kids who pursued Him with all they had, regardless of circumstances. As I spoke into their lives, God was working on my heart and my life too. God was working behind the scenes as I begun to prayerfully consider what God's plan was for my life and the life of my family, I knew He was going to reveal things to me I had never dreamed of. How cool is that?

One day BK and I were driving into the church parking lot and I said to Billy, someday I am going to work here. He was a little surprised. At our old church in Minnesota BK and I cleaned the church for some extra money. I even said to him, I am not sure if I'll be a janitor and clean at this church but I just have this gut feeling someday I'll work here. I had a great job... working from my home, with flexible hours and a company that appreciated and understood my family. The fact I had this thought that someday that would not be my job puzzled me. I was completely satisfied in my job, but God left me with a feeling that someday my job would be within our church walls. Wow. Here we go God.

After serving as a leader in the youth ministry for a about three years I started serving in a leadership role in Children's ministry. To be completely honest this new ministry threw me for a loop. There were tons of details to consider. Schedules, snacks, crafts, curriculum, volunteers, numbers of kids, laundry, cleanliness etc.etc.

I think I've talked about this before but where I grew up and in my community, Christianity or the belief in Christ was pretty much across the board. My friends and I were all different religions, Lutheran, Catholic, Christian, Methodist, but we could all agree that Jesus came to earth died on the cross for our sins in order for us to have a relationship with God. The basics were not argued or debated. In this town we live in now, it is a very different culture. There are many people who completely deny Jesus is Lord entirely. There is a big culture of new age religion and witchcraft. Some of the teens in our youth group have to "defend" their faith in schools. They have teachers arguing with them about their faith. Spiritually this town is different. Kids need to be prepared here to have a confidence in their faith and a deep understanding of God's love for them. Christ is real. Jesus dying on the cross is real. The fact He desires relationship with us is VERY real... and to help them establish a confidence in that is a great privledge and honor.

I can proudly say that " I love my church." We have an awesome group of friends at our church a great community of people who care about love and encourage. We hold each other accountable, we learn together, we laugh a lot, we have tons of fun and the best part is... not one of us is perfect. There is grace, there is forgiveness, there is patience and in all of it there is the peace of Jesus.

Anyway, this brings me back to my journey. Our Children's pastor was moving into a different role in the church so our Senior Pastor was going to be looking for a new person to fill this role. I met with him to talk to him about some of the things I had on my heart for the ministry. I wanted him to be able to find the right person for the job. I wanted him to hear my heart for the ministry and the church. Our "core" group of people who lead the ministry all met with him because we wanted him to find the right person for this job.

It was in this meeting our Senior Pastor asked me if I thought I would be able to do the job as Children's Pastor. I told him yes. I thought I could do it. Of course I could do it! I love kids, I love my church, God we have awesome people who serve in the ministry. It would be an honor. I prayed and asked God to reveal to me if this was His plan for me. Then... came all my "but God's" But God... "my job now is fine." But God, " I would need to work full time". But God... "I'm about to have a baby." But God... I'm not holy enough. But God... surely you have someone more qualified. ;)"

Thankfully, I have a pastor who asked me to pray about it and seek God in it. See if this was something God might have for me even though I could think of a thousand reasons not to pursue it. As I began to pray thoughts of my past flooded in, I always wanted to work for something that "meant" something. I've worked in corporations and worked my booty off so someone could make LOTS of money. It never saw the point in it. I would sit in marketing meetings where we would brainstorm on how to sell the latest product or service... and everyone would be so fired up but at the end of the day... it didn't seem like it was "that" important to me. Sure it was important to do a good job and to sell lots of these things, but in the grand scheme of life... was a widget or a service going to change someone's life? I took a Meyers Briggs Personality test when we lived in Minnesota and one of the top 10 jobs the test said I should pursue was that of a Children's Pastor. (I giggle now as I think about it)

At our church, the job as Children's pastor would be to point everyone I encountered to Jesus Christ. This meant something, something that changed lives, something that lasted for ETERNITY. Not just this life on earth. The things God could do in this ministry would be totally life changing for me and for the people I ministred to. God then gave me visions of what the ministry could look like, visions of ministering to people, praying for people, opportunites to see people healed from emotional pain. Watching families and kids be transformed by the love of Christ. God just flooded me with all of this. It fueled me. It ignited my passion for this church, for Jesus and for the ministry.

So to wrap this up, God worked out all the details, he coordinated it all so I could work full time, in a cool job for and with awesome people to serve the Lord and my church community. He worked out the details so my husband and I felt confident in moving in this direction. All my "But God..." statements were taken off the table. He also humbled me... showing me that this position is not about me, but about what God can and will do in our church and our families.

As of August 24th I "get to" be the new "Children's Pastor" at our church in Durango. What a thrill, what an honor, I cannot imagine anything cooler than getting paid to tell kids and families the awesome truth of Jesus Christ and then I get to watch God work in all of it. It is an honor and a privledge to serve this community and our families. So now... instead of saying BUT GOD.... I say Thank you God... what's next?

Raised up in the 80's

2009-08-02T18:00:00.000-07:00

If you knew me, you'd know that I grew up in the midwest, that my favorite movies growing up were Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, Gremlins, Goonies, E.T. etc etc. One of my favorite outfits growing up was a denim mini skirt I wore (bleached) with neon green tights and a HUGE white tshirt with BIG PINK LETTERS all over it. I am a child of the 80's and I loved it. I graduated from HS in 1989. I remember going to the first "Express" clothing store at the mall. My babysitter worked there. It was the coolest of the cool. Let's put it this way, " I wore my sunglasses at night." If you understand that statement and it makes sense to you.. You too... were a child of the 80's.

Express was an 80's "punk" kind of store...but 80's punk was not peircings.. and wearing black death and doom. It was to mix neon with anything denim. It was bleaching and pinning denim. It was TONS of accessories. Lots of bracelets, hair accessories, tights under fishnet neon stockings, BIG hair, big earrings and tons of hair spray. Colorful makeup was cool too.. if you were really creative. I opted for blue eyeliner and a little blush and lipgloss.

In 7th grade I lip sync'ed Girls Just Wanna have Fun by Cyndi Lauper at a talent show. It sounds crazy but it was one of those moments I'll never forget. Goofy me... dressed as Cyndi Lauper... ran out into the audience... patted one of our bald teachers on the head and performed. I received a standing ovation at that talent show... it was the coolest feeling in the world. I had a blast in the 80's.

In 6th grade I asked the teacher if I could take the tape recorder from our teacher's classroom out to the playground with me. I played the Cyndi Lauper song Girls just wanna have fun... cranked up on this little tape recorder and danced around the playground. It was my favorite song, I would play it over and over and over. I'm nostalgic today about the 80's and just thought I'd share. Have a great week friends!

Worship...

2009-07-31T08:02:00.000-07:00

Having three kids one of them being two weeks old feeding and sleeping every 3 hours makes it hard to do much else. Besides the fact I my c section war wounds are trying to heal as I motor around the house looking for burp cloths, diapers, wipes, Qtips and an extra set of clothes. (josie's great at the occasional blow out)

Spending time in the word is important to me. But lately I haven't been very good at diving in. I need to get back into it. I need to find well rested Mommy time in which I can read the Bible, and really let it all sink in.

I read something in the Beth Moore book called "Believing God" that talked about how the power of the Holy Spirit has always been represented with oil... when something is annointed and prayed over it the use of oil is important. Beth talks about thinking about "the Word" as if it were fire. And the two combined, the power of prayer and the holy spirit combined with the fire of the Word of God is extraordinary. Believing in that is important.

You'd think that would be enough for me to get off my booty and dig in. But alas, I am too tired.

Which brings me to worship. It is something I can do without thinking about it. It is something I can dive right into. I love worship music, the act of worship and just praising God.

I have always been one to "crank" my music. Worship is so powerful. Yesterday I was driving in my car and this song came on. I was depleted, I was tired, I was utterly done and wondering when my next nap could come. I was kind of feeling whiney. I pictured as I drove how "the enemy" would so much like to deter me and distract me from the blessings of the day. How aso many things had come before reading my Bible. How God wants me to hear from him and so much had gotten in the way of that.

My favorite part of worship is that when we do it when we focus on God when we direct all of our praise and glory and honor to Him... "the enemy" can do nothing but flee. "No weapon formed against me shall prosper..."

So today my friends, I am going to focus on the blessings in life, focus on the GOODNESS of what God is doing. Somewhere in this day I will dig into the word, but in the meantime I will worship Him with all I have. Crank it up!

Thankful Thursday - Barbara Rein Hohnke... YOU ROCK!

2009-07-30T11:53:00.000-07:00

I wanted to write a note on Thankful Thursday about my awesome sister-in-law Barbara. She used to live close to me but now she lives back in the midwest... I have to say I was so sad when she and my brother and neice left Durango. However, in the time they have been gone she and I have grown close and I am proud to call her my friend.

I also have the privledge of working with her in a customer support position at the same company. She works remotely (as do I) and because of our close working relationship we have the opportunity to talk daily. We laugh a lot. We talk about life, faith and can rely on each other for support when needed. We have much in common as she has two small children... oh yeah... and we both love my brother. She loves him in a gross "girlfriend" kind of way and love him in a very normal sister kind of way. (giggle)

Anyway, I found out today that she enjoys Stevie Wonder and his musical talent. Which makes her even cooler in my book. So this song is dedicated to her. She is a lovely awesome chica who's friendship I appreciate and am so thankful she is married to my awesome brother Pete.

Love you B! You rock!

A Daddy and "big kid" camp out...

2009-07-29T18:19:00.000-07:00

Me and Josie... I'm one "HOT" Mama.

While they camped... we rested.

The kids have been troopers hanging with their "tethered Mom" during the day. Preparing their own lunches (sometimes) getting creative with playtime. Playing on the trampoline with the sprinkler on hot days. But sometimes you just need time with Daddy. Daddy time is crucial to them.

Daddy talked to Grace about camping out on the trampoline one night. She was so excited. She had a camping bag packed and ready to go when he arrived home that night. This was going to be the highlight of her summer with her Dad. I was excited for her and we all anxiously awaited his arrival home from work. Frankly as exhausted as I have been I was surprised BK had the energy to do a campout on the trampoline, but he did and he was committed to the original proposal.

Me and Toby... a "close" close up!

When Dad arrived home the thunder began to clap over the mountains, it began to rain over the mountains and then it began to rain... pour actually all night. This weather mishap prompted some creative thinking by Mom and Dad to execute and prepare a camp out in the living room. While I nursed Josie, BK rearranged furniture, Grace grabbed pillows, sheets and sleeping bags... at this point Toby was all about the camp out too. So Dad, Grace and Toby all gathered in the makeshift tent to play and eventually go to sleep.

Daddy's Girl

I told my kids that if they were not sleeping by a certain time they would have to go to bed up in their bunk beds. I did not want them staying up all night. So we took pics, Grace and Toby grabbed BK's mag light and held the flashlight under their chins and told "scary stories". Toby's stories would go something like this... THERE ONCE WAS A SCARY MAN WHO WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET... and THEN.....DO YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED???... DO YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED?... DO YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED? (all the time getting louder and louder) Then he would say something goofy like... HE WAS A VAMPIRE! And we would all pretend we were scared. Then we would laugh really hard.

Anyway, I went to bed, listening to BK finish off the scary stories... with a great story.. the kids were enthralled. When I woke up in the middle of the night I expected all of them to be back in their own beds. Including my husband....

The three musketeers

But all three of them were snoring and sleeping in the "tent". The campout actually went throughout the night and well into the morning. My husband slept on the floor all night. How cool is that. I am so thankful for him. I am thankful for my home, my kids, and my life. I thought I'd post pics of their fun night. This was definately a night to remember for all of us. Successful and fun.

Here's a little "old school" Bon Jovi for my friend Cari... this takes me back to 6th grade dances. You don't necessarily need to dance to this one... but you can remember your funky 80's hairdo and laugh a little. :)

The Photoshoot... what a blast!

2009-07-25T14:27:00.000-07:00

I am so excited to post these pictures. I told you all that Josie had her first photo shoot. Well, the pics are back and they are delicous and sweet and I love them. I have permission from the awesome photographer who took them to put them on my blog. I HIGHLY recommend her.

For some reason I am having a hard time adding a link to this blog. But her website is : http://www.truereligionphotography.com Chelsea Valach is the photographer. She is an awesome woman who loves the Lord and it was so cool having her over to photograph Josie.

Here are some more of her pics. What a blessing this was to me and my family. To have such a creative and fun way to capture Josie as a newborn baby.

Too cool. I love how she pays attention to color and texture the editing is amazing! Enjoy!

PS. This song is my heart for my family my new awesome baby girl Josie Hope Kline and all of our Kline family.. my sweet husband Bill our amazing and wonderful big sister Grace and the boy with a big huge heart Tobias James. God made you all with me in mind and I have never been more blessed in my life. :)

She did it! - Let's Celebrate

2009-07-23T06:25:00.000-07:00

She has totally and completely charmed the heck out of her brother. Last night we took "sibling pics" at our house. Toby was adamant that he hold one end of Josie and Grace hold the other. As you can tell he's pretty proud that he has a little sister. Then this morning I was nursing Josie when he woke up. I put her in the crib and put away some laundry. As I was talking to him about breakfast, he said, "Mom, where is Josie? Where did you put her? I thought she was in her bouncy seat?" He seemed very concerned he did not know where she was. I told him that I had put her back in her crib to sleep. He was cool with that answer. Little does he know that this sweet little sister of his is stealing his heart day by day. What a blessing they will be to each other. I tear up as I shovel waffles (with peanut butter and syrup) into my mouth and drink my coffee thinking about it. Man these post partum emotions are definately a rollercoaster of love ;) Thanks all for listening. Peace as we head into another weekend. May God's blessings just flow through your lives as we enter into the weekend.

PS. Kick it up a notch this morning with a little "Kool and the Gang" to jump start your Grateful/Thankful Thursday!

The Kline Babies... yep they are related! :)

2009-07-22T10:23:00.000-07:00

Baby Grace

Baby Toby

Baby Josie

There has been much chatter in this family and my friends as to who Josie looks like. Grace insists that Josie looks like "Josie" and no one else. Which is true. She is her own unique special person. But it puzzled me as to why I thought at birth she looked like Toby. So I busted out the baby pics of Grace and Toby and thought we could take a look. They definately each have their own unique characteristics but you sure can tell they are related.

I am the dairy princess... nursing and resting and eating is what I do best. Does anyone else just LOVE lanolin cream as much as I do? It heals... just like it says on the little bottle. Josie is doing great. Has her first "photo shoot" tomorrow. A friend of ours is building her photography portfolio and asked if she could take some pics. It should be lots of fun.

Have a wonderful Wednesday. Peace!

My Brag Blog - Livin the Dream!

2009-07-21T12:24:00.000-07:00

I have all these cool pictures of our new baby. I wanted to share them. This feeling of being tired and hormonal but so completely in love is what made me understand God's love entirely. Experiencing it with Josie is another great gift of my life. I will love her with all I have. I will protect her with all I have. I will never stop loving her no matter what happens. If my love for her feels this strong and this deep, I can't even fathom how much God loves me. I really can't. I am just so thankful for it every day.

She is sleeping now. I love it when she's so hungry she sucks on my face to try to eat. I love it when she tries to focus on me and makes little gassy grins. I love it when she explodes in her diaper and it makes this humungous sound... coming from this petite little princess, I love it when she hears my voice and calms down knowing I am going to take care of her. Again... I delight in her.. and take solice in the fact that my heavenly father delights in me.

We have awesome friends... have I mentioned this? We have meals coming every other night for two weeks. What a tremendous blessing this is to us. I had no idea how much that would bless our family. I had no idea how cool it would be to not to have to consider dinner for that long of a time period. What an amazing ministry at our church. Totally cool. We have friends who are offering to take Grace and Toby.. asking for help is tough. As women we are taught to handle it all, take care of it all. I am taking people up on their offers. I am needing my friends I cannot do it all by myself.... the surrender of it all is necessary but very hard.

Enjoy these pictures.

I know a lot of my good friends read this blog... and I am so glad to have you all in my life. I am so glad God put you in my life for such a time and place as this.

Thank you for loving me and my family. Thank you for loving us despite our imperfections. And thank you thank you for being who you are and following God with all you have. You are amazing examples to me! Peace to you! lv, jen

Josie's Here!

2009-07-20T01:19:00.000-07:00

I feel like the biggest slacker in the whole wide world. Josie Hope Kline was born at 8:01 on Tuesday July 14th. She weighed in at 8lbs 4 oz and measuered 19.5 inches.

I must confess the morning of her birth and our scheduled c section as well as the night before was nothing short of chaotic. All of the things I have blogged about handing over to God.... worry fear and doubt crept into mind in the 24 hours before her birth. I did too much on Monday, I was totally worried about Grace and Toby and how they were going to digest the next four days and at the same time I was about to undgergo some big time surgery. Billy was dealing with a time bomb... I big huge prego time bomb ready to explode, I cried all the way to the hospital. Not for any reason other than I had this utter and total sense of surrender and lack of control over anything. This all was going to go down and I had to trust God was working all of it out for good. So I turned on worship music for our drive to the hospital. By the time we arrived I felt better, I felt peace, I felt ready and excited to meet this baby girl. G and T were with the "Grandmas". It's go time.

As they asked me all of the preoperative questions about past births, pregnancies, my history, my other children BK kept tearing up. I was not the only one dealing with the emotional stress of this exciting day ahead of us. BK's favorite part was putting on the scrubs and waiting with me with a video camera, my camera and my phone. Poor guy needed a fanny pack to carry all of the technology with him into the operating room. The surgery was a success, the baby was born beautiful and wonderful. God is so good. When the lifted her up to show me her... my first thought was that she looked like Toby. It took her a bit to cry because she had swallowed some amniotic fluid. That has worked itself out. But she is here and we are all thrilled.

The nurses were phenomenal. The docs were awesome. My recovery may be a little longer than I'd like, but I am praying God just miraculously heal me quickly. I love spending time feeding Josie, loving her, kissing her, staring at her in awe and teaching my kids about her and how babies should be handled loved and cared for.

Grace is thrilled and in love, she's helped me with her baths, her burping, holding her and watching over her completely. Grace hates to hear her cry. She has such a huge heart for this beautiful baby girl. I am loving watching this sisterhood unfold.

Toby was not too thrilled with me being gone and in the hospital. I had betrayed him somehow. He was not wanting to snuggle me, to hug me, or to even look at Josie. Here we are a few days later and he's warming up to her a bit. He'll stop by her and say, "look at her... she's awake... or her nose it so small or she can play with my new ball if she wants to. He held her yesterday and that was a breakthrough for us. He sat with her on his lap and he liked holding her. He said, "thanks for showing me how to hold her Mom. She's cute."

BK has really blown me away with his help in EVERYTHING. I cannot even say enough about how well he is adusting to life with three kids. I know he is making a huge effort to see what I may need help with what all the kids may need and really doing it all as the leader, the awesome Father he is to our children. He even has found time to compliment me on how well I am doing with Josie, he tells me I'm cute when I feel nasty. All of these things I am so appreciative and love him so much for. His effort and help are so much appreciated and make my heart swell with pride and love when I talk about him. I could not do this without him. Whatta man.

I have promised myself we would have Mommy/Toby and Mommy/ Grace days before they both head off to school. Time individually with both of them would be time well spent. In the meantime I am at Josie's beck and call. I am a feeding machine and she is a nursing champion. I affectionately call her "The champ" Because of how vigorously she anticipates breastfeeding. She balls up her fists, makes a scrunchy face with here eyes and looks like she is going to attack it. She makes me laugh. I'm in love.

Well, it's late. I should sleep now when she sleeps, I am fatigued, exhausted, but totally in love and totally in prayer to God for this awesome wonderful cool blessing. Enjoy the pics. Peace to you all my friends and thank you for your prayers.

Vulnerable and Loved

2009-07-12T16:33:00.000-07:00

Throughout this pregnancy and this blessing and the past nine months I have been on a journey with God. I have many times asked God to not leave me "the same." By that I mean I want to see life with new eyes, I want more of God. Not because I want to be "perfect" because that will never happen. But I want to be changed by God in a way that praises God with my life.

On this journey (the past 9 months) I have witnessed much suffering of my friends and my family. I have heard life stories of struggle, I've experienced struggle, I've battled thoughts that are good bad and ugly. I am facing my own demons every day and watching others do the same. I have come before the Lord many times in prayer just a crumpled mess asking him to put me back together. To put my friends back together to be there for their children. To heal them, to show them how much he loves them to protect them, to guide them. To provide finances, when they needed it most. To surrender my life and the lives of all I know and take them to the foot of the cross.

To be completely vulnerable... to be stripped of thinking that I have the answers that I can fix it, that I know what to do next. I don't. I have no clue. But I know who does and who I can fully rely on to listen and love me no matter what the circumstances may be. When I pray I pray hard. When I come to God my heart is vulnerable, I have the best listener in my relationship with Christ. God stretches me I am seeing a very vulnerable Jen Kline. Which I know is God because normally that's now how I am. I just keep seeking Him on my knees, praying ALL the time and waiting on HIM, is the perfect solution.

Soon I will be stepping into a new adventure. I keep alluding to it. I will post as we move closer through my maternity leave about it. But I am entirely excited and continue to allow God to prepare me for this new opportunity and new journey. I am not afraid, I know that I know that God would place me here for "such a time as this." I am vulnerable before the Lord and before my friends. I am stripped of thinking this is about me. I am fully surrendering it all to the Lord, I will wait and watch with excitement and awesome expectancy of how God will work in all of it.

So, in two days Josie will be here. I thank God for taking me on this journey of fully being dependent on him. Needing my Savior day after day. I need you Jesus. I need you every day. Savior please continue to daily bring me to a place of needing you, wanting you, pleasing you. Living my faith vulnerable... knowing I need you.

A new level of laziness

2009-07-09T09:23:00.000-07:00

Well, it just gets better and better. We are five days away from delivering this baby. I have been pretty motivated but I have my moments my very lazy very exhausted moments. Here is one of them:

I had to laugh at myself yesterday because I picked up a spoon I found in the living room the kids had used. I am teaching them all about how to keep the house clean with me. They are also earning money for helping me pick up around the house. If they keep their rooms picked up and the living room picked up... they get some good money. Anyway, in workign with them on this... I walked to the entrance of the kitchen... stopped... and threw the spoon from the entrance of our kitchen into the sink. I didn't want to walk all the way over to the sink. I actually made the throw directly into the sink which I was pretty proud of myself. Then I just started laughing at myself and how absolutley sad it was I did not want to walk another ten steps to the sink.

Have a great day. Hope you have some "funny" moments of your own!

PS. This 80's tune goes out to all my girls who love 80's music. This movie was one of my favorites growing up. It is a crank it up and dance around the house song... and don't care if anyone sees you! :)

My biggest achievement...

2009-07-07T07:17:00.001-07:00

I am 37 years old. Billy and I are headed into our 10 year anniversary. We are having our third child, I am embarking on some exciting endeavors (which I will share soon)my high school graduating class just had a 20 year reunion, both my kids are going to school, my college friends and I plannning reunions. As I head towards the big 4-0 I can't help but look back and think... what has been the greatest achievement in these 37 years? What am I most proud of? It has been easy for me to look back and think about the bad choices I have made. Those come to mind very clearly for me. This journey has not been a path of perfection, but a learning experience. So, what has been the best thing?

The best thing I have ever done in my life is 1st pursue a deeper spiritual relationship with Christ and second becoming a wife and a Mom. I feel like my pursuit of Jesus and understanding my spiritual walk was the "professor" I needed to navigate through marriage and being the best possible Mom I can be to my kids. I have shared my story about how with each birth of my children I became closer to the Lord. In the Bible it says that God draws you near to him, well our children have drawn us nearer to Jesus than you can imagine. We need Him. We understand we cannot do it on our own and we love our kids so much, we want them to understand the peace, joy and excitement that a faith-filled life has to offer.

Last night I tucked Toby and Grace into bed. I had two tender moments. Toby was laying in his bed with his covers all messed up. The wind was blowing through their bedroom window. It felt cold to me. This is going to sound totally psycho, but I had this rush of joy come over me as I shut the window to protect him from the cold and this second wave came over me as I straightened his covers stroked his head and kissed his cheek. I knew in my heart that I was created for Toby. I was made to do this. I was created to love him and explain to him the pursuit of God and what joy it brings. What an awesome cool responsibility. I want him to know how much he is loved by me and by God. It is the most important job I have and I am so proud to be given.

My second "tender" moment was when I looked at Grace on the top bunk. Grace is like me, always warm... but the room was very cold last night and she had NO covers on her while she slept. I actually gasped... like heaven forbid she not have her covers on her. She was snoring and I laughed a little. My daughter is the night owl... she will fight going to bed with everything she has... she likes me to "smooth" her back before she goes to bed. I stand on the ladder and rub her back for like 2 minutes until she falls asleep. She told Billy that this is something "special" Mom does for her before bed. It is special. As I wrapped her up in her angel blanket and tucked it around her again, I felt this wave of excitement that God had entrusted this life to me as her mother. That although I am not perfect, I will continue to do the best job being the best Mom I can to them.

It is my greatest achievment so far. So as I continue to pursue and walk through this life in relationship with Christ. I can proudly say that I am most proud of being a Mom, a Mom who loves her kids and has faith in Jesus Christ.

9 days and counting

2009-07-05T16:14:00.000-07:00

Can I just say how much I love my friends and family. So many people are telling me they are praying for me because of how uncomfortable I look and how absolutely huge my waist is. I measured 39 weeks at 37 weeks and I still have a little over one week to go before the big day we get to meet Josie.

This is my last week of work which comes as a huge relief to me. Sitting at my computer all day tethered to my phone watching my feet and ankles swell and not being able to get up and walk around is tough on me. I welcome the "sleepless" break of maternity leave with open arms. 24/7 feeding my baby girl and sleeping and healing will be my full time job moving forward.

Our 4th of July weekend and extra day off on Friday was awesome. We took the kids to a friend's house while my awesome husband loaded and unloaded some hay for them on their hobby farm. While that happened, the kids were able to play with kittens, miniature goats, horses and doggies. Grace was in heaven. Our plan is to get her involved in 4H her love of animals is so apparent we really want to encourage her in that. Toby loved chasing the animals and LOVE small dogs. He also spent some time at their house taking pictures of their flowers.

On Saturday we went to a 4th of July parade in a small town near Durango with some friends. We were running late so we had to park about a 1/2 a mile from the parade location and walk. I felt like a pack mule and was one sweaty hot mess when I got there. They had everything from horses, to tractors to military, shriners, old cars etc.etc. BK has such a sweet heart, often in each military parade participant ther there was a patriotic country song playing I would get all choked up an teary eyed and I'd look over at my husband and he would be doing the same. One thing his family and father instilled in him is a great pride for his country, our military and the fact we live in such a blessed nation. Toby is sensitive and I believe his sweet sensitive heart is his Daddy's influence. I love my husband so much. The kids had a fun time. The walk back was grueling but once we got to our friends house for a BBQ it was awesome. I rested, ate and laughed. We have awesome friends who have awesome kids and we all have so much fun together.

Saturday night we (against our better judgement) dragged the kids out for fireworks at about 7:30pm. We watched fireworks with some other great friends, with kids in pajamas and Toby fell asleep about 2 minutes into the car ride home. We are in the final stages of prepping the nursery. We have curtains up, we have the dresser/changing table in place. We need to hang her mirror and a couple other decorative items but I'll post pics of our progress. Josie will have a nice little place where she can sleep and sleep. (Dream on mama!) This room is a work in progress. It actually needs some trim put up and the closet doors need to be fixed. But, we are satisfied with the progress we have made thus far...

My husband has done an amazing job of helping me. I am blown away by his motivation and his help with projects around the house. He has moved big huge furniture by himself, completely landscaped our yard, has his awesome dream garden up and running and is in the process of creating a new compost container near his garden. We are anticipating our new arrival to exhaust us but thrill us at the same time. Please pray for Josie, that she be born a healthy and happy little baby sister.

Enjoy the pics, the firework picture was taken by Grace and the flower picture was taken by Toby.

Have a great July! :)

The Crackberry...

2009-07-02T18:37:00.000-07:00

I've heard about Blackberry phones and how nice they look and how sweet they are and how you can check your email on them and access the internet and all this really cool stuff. Well, I upgraded my phone recently and decided that I would get the plan with all the bells and whistles. I have big plans after Josie is born and I am going to need to stay "connected" to lots of folks. Communication will be key at this time in my life. I am communicating with teachers at school, with friends and family from midwest, friends from church and facebook, my blog... the list goes on and on! What a blessing to be able to access everything in one little phone.

BTW - It also takes decent pictures, records voice clips and video images... so this is some little piece of technology.

However... this little bugger should come with a warning. There is one little feature on this phone that is sending my ability to concentrate, my ADD and my daily schedule into a tailspin. Three words, " BLINKING RED LIGHT."

The warning they should put on this phone is that whenever there is something that someone is trying to communicate to you on your phone in the areas I've listed above... the little blinking red light is blinking to let you know it's ready to be looked at.

This my friends is NOT GOOD! Here is why. I cannot have a phone that has a blinking red light. If there is something to be read or communicated to me I need to read it immediately. It needs to be known! I MUST stop what I am doing and read what ever thing was just sent to me on phone. I already have a slight case of adult ADD and a blinking red light distracting me from what I am doing is just not leading me down a productive path.

For example, I told you how I wake up in the middle of the night at 3:30am. I walk downstairs half asleep. My phone is plugged into the wall and laying on the floor. And there is that little blinking red light, telling me someone has sent me a message. It might just be 1800 flowers who just sent me an email or my daily devotional or mayb even just a new comment on my blog... but I won't know until I check it. And no matter how tired, no matter how much I don't want to have to bend over to grab the cord and yank that puppy into my little paws, I MUST check the message. Sometimes I just lay it on it's face so the blinking light is not blinking at me. I figure if I can't see it I won't want to check it. But NOOOOOOOOO... it makes me want to flip it over to CHECK the blinking light to see if it's blinking. (BIG HUGE SIGH)

I am going to play with my settings soon at some point so it doesn't blink for everything, eventually I'll figure it out. They really should have a 12 step plan for this communication device.

The "tough" stuff and total surrender.

2009-07-01T06:20:00.000-07:00

Sounds like a pretty uplifting title huh? I've been praying and thinking about suffering a lot lately. We all have different things we struggle with personally. We all have things circumstances that have happened to us in our lives that cause us pain, confusion, frustration, anger and we carry those burdens around with us in life.

God allows these uncomfortable and sometimes very painful things to happen. I have been praying for years about my own such circumstances. I have been praying for many miracles concering my own burdens. But have yet to "see" them answered. I wonder to myself and God... why don't you fix it God. Why is this the burden I witness, experience and have to endure. If you are the God who you say you are... then just please answer this prayer for me. It is an external request and me looking for an external outward answer.

Alcoholism is a very prominent thing in my family. Many generations have been addicted to and lived their life drinking too much. I am praying for people to be released from this horrible addiction, but not much has happened in this family. It just stays the same. No changes at least that I can see. No apparent HUGE miracles. And no one being saved from it all. And I ask God why?

I ask God, where are you in all of this? Where are you in my family relationships? Where are you when I need you to show up work a lightning bolt miracle God? I can become very frustrated.

As I have been thinking about this. It occurs to me that maybe God does not work that way. He works from the inside out... he's not a magician. He works in the hearts of people. What I am praying for is something I can see externally. What God is actually doing is something very internal. In my heart and in the hearts of those I love.

In these burdens and suffering, God is working on ME. Maybe these circumstances in my life are showing me how to take a look at myself, to draw closer to Him. How to take care of me. I see it as an opportunity to be the "Super Christian" come in with my prayers my annointing my power and save the day. But maybe what God is asking me to do is be humble. See clearly that I truly have no power in it. Take the sense of "entitlement" I have to see them healed and allow HIM to do the work. I am not able to endure what I am seeing by myself. I need Him more than anything to help get me through it. I have to rely on God and believe He is listening. It's not about ME and them. It's about me and Him... and surrendering it over. Believing he already has it covered.

To not put all of my emotional, physical, and spiritual focus on the other person and their issues. Maybe God is already doing the work and I am in the way of it. He is obviously aware I would like to see them healed. He knows my hearts desire is to see them well, but I am so busy wrapped up in their crisis and their sin. I am missing the point.

God wants me to trust him that he will take care of them. That it is not my problem. It is their problem. That in my worry and codependent control of all things related to this terrible disease I am "playing God." Who am I to think that I can change this person to make them well. Who am I to think that I have all the power to make this happen. It is NOT about me. It is about God and HIS power, HIS love, HIS child... they are not mine to care for... they are HIS.

If we stop trying to control it all, carry it all and take our focus off of praying for a miracle, but pray for our own ability to hand it over to God, would our outlook be different? Would our hearts feel lighter? Would we see his miracles He is working in us? How would our perspective change? I am choosing to do that today. Focus on handing it over. Surrendering it all. Letting God be God and watching those miracles unfold. The Holy Spirit was sent to comfort me... in my faith. I am going to allow that to happen and stop getting in the way.

So as I wait for an internal miracle from God and the ability to surrender it all. My prayer is that he give you one too. That whatever burdens you bear whatever tough stuff you are going through... whatever surrender needs to happen. That you understand he's way bigger than we let him be. Thanks God for being so big and so cool.

Peace. - jen

My kitchen... my husband...blogging about it!

2009-06-29T07:56:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I post just to post. Like that Michaeal Jackson song needs to change. So I need a new post. My friend Jill has like 10 ideas in her head to blog about. I'm too tired, big and overwhelmed to think this week. So pardon me for the random funkiness of the postings. :)

I am nearing the end of this pregnancy. I am feeling more and more "NOT" able to do much other than drag my legs around the house and look at things. I have folded laundry, and sat on the couch looking at it trying to "will it" to the appropriate place. I just look at a nicely folded stack of towels and think to myself, man I really don't want to bend over to pick those up and carry them ALL THE WAY to the bathroom! So I don't. They just sit in the living room looking at me.

Working full time still and being pregnant and having the two kids with me is still a lot of work. I am trying to keep them occupied and give them a fun summer, while doing a good job in customer service at my work as well as keep myself as comfortable as possible while working and doing all of the above. My stomach gets in the way of my keyboard so it's difficult sometimes to think straight. Ya'll hear me cluckin?

Not to mention at the end of last week BK warned me of his impending toothache and that he could not get into the dentist until Tuesday. So, he is nursing himself with pain meds from the dentist/Tylenol to get him through until tomorrow. If you've ever had a toothache.. this is one of those that drop you to the floor and make you want to rip the tooth out yourself. He has been a trooper. So when the meds are kicked in and he feels well, he has really helped me this weekend. The other day I completely neglected cleaning any dish we had in the house. The kids were cleaning cups as they needed them, not to mention utensils and other kitchen items. The dishes were stacked ALL over the kitchen. I told Bill that I just have no motivateion to get those dishes done. And walked away defeated. I put the kiddos to bed and kissed BK goodnight. He was staying up so I thought I'd head to bed early. I woke up in the middle of the night at about 3:30am and could not sleep. I was dehydrated totally parched and made my nightly trip to the bathroom. I went downstairs to drink some water and eat some grapes and sit at the kitchen table. My kitchen was IMMACULATE! The floor was swept, every single dish was put away. I was blown away, and so thankful to my husband. He rocked it out. The next day I told him he does not understand how much "little" things like that fill my "love tank" and make me feel very loved by him. He needed to know. It was so cool.

We had a great weekend together as a family. We went to garage sales, we spent time with friends at a beautiful wedding, we went to church on Sunday, I taught a bunch of awesome 1-3rd graders. BK played softball on Sunday afternoon and we wrapped it up with dinner at Denny's after softball. Not to mention I got the kids a new sprinkler for outside when it gets hot today. I will post pics of that later.

Josie's nursery is coming along. We've bought her a dresser that can double as a changing table. I am putting up some curtains tonight and BK is going to hang her mirror and a couple other decorative items we've found. I found a lady on Craig's list who is selling a mobile and a couple other cute items... I am in the process of getting those for Josie.

Last thing to do is empty out her closet and figure out where to put all of the junk we have stored in there. Fix the closet doors and get her clothing organized. The grandma's are planning their arrival at our house in mid July and we have a "low key" but fun Fourth of July planned too.

In the meantime I pray, I praise God in the goodness of this life and I look forward to each new day. Hope you all have a great week! :) lv, jen

PS. This song is dedicated to my blog friend Cari... she's a mommy to a new little boy and it sounds like Rigg and Cari need some "Dance Party" music to "rock out" the day! Captain should join in too... old school Bon Jovi is awesome. :) Enjoy!

What am I worried about?

2009-06-26T11:14:00.000-07:00

OK... as each day passes we get closer and closer to July 14th. The big C section day. The day we get to meet Josie and see her for the first time. The day our lives will change into a new season of normal and we get to experience the miracle of life again. What an amazing blessing. Totally awesome. Totally amazing. I am totally in love and I haven't even met her yet.

Isn't it weird that even in all this joy and excitement and anticipation and coolness I sit here and I worry? I worry about her health, about my other children and how they will react and how this birth is effecting their summer fun. I worry about my health and my belly and my healing. I worry about Bill and how he will adjust I worry about finances and how organized or unorganized my house is. I cry a lot. I cry about weird things. I worry because my ankles are swelling and that I am blowing my nose too much. I worry about my iron levels. Whew... no wonder I am exhausted!

Then I remember this verse:

Matthew 6:34

34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

And I am reminded.... that the God who created this life inside of me, who created the universe who made my two other beautiful children, who has answered my prayers, who has picked me up when I was a puddle on the floor who drew me near to him right when I needed him most, who provided me with an awesome husband... that God of the universe has it all taken care of. That the only thing he requires is that I love Him back, focus on God and try my best to trust in what he has for me. When I think about that and focus on this moment he has given me... it all melts away.

Today in the midst of my worry Toby came over and said something like, " Mom, can I have a juice box." As I looked into his eyes and kissed his cheek, and told him he could go get himself a juice box... I felt my heart overflow in thankfulness for that one moment. Being present in the moment is something I am going to focus on. God does not want me to worry about the next moment. Just enjoy each moment I have and take them one by one.

So, join me in this quest...as a Mom who tries not to worry so much. Who trusts God. Who loves her family and her life and looks forward to each moment.

PS. Had to play some Micheal Jackson for today's blog.

My Brothers... Pete Brad and Austin

2009-06-24T18:48:00.000-07:00

I have posted lots about the family God has provided for me. But not much about the family I was born into. A major part of who I am and the person I grew up to be centers around me being the first born and the oldest of four children. My three younger siblings are all boys. Well, they were boys... now they are men. But I they are all amazing guys, totally different but totally cool in so many different ways.

The oldest of my three brothers is Pete. Pete is about 2 years younger than me and has a big wide heart. He has a hard outer shell but a soft gooey inside. I am proud of him for so many things. But mostly that he loves his family and that he is a great Dad and husband and he seeks to live his life pleasing the Lord. He and my son Tobias share a birthday. They also share the simple fact they are totally tough and burly on the outside but soft-hearted and love people.

Pete works as a "tree guy." Arborist if you will, he ran his own business when he lived in Durango and was known around town for all of the business he did Durango. He is a hard worker, he knows what he is doing and loves to be his own boss. When we were little we went through weird periods where we were not friends. We hung out together in the "neighborhood" riding our bikes to the pool, but we were at each other's throats a lot. He was my pesky brother, I was a bratty big sister. But today I cannot say enough how much I love him and how much he means to me. I hear his heart very clearly. I feel like sometimes he does not have to say a word and I can discern how he's doing. He can do anything he puts his mind to. He decides something and it's done. He's strong and capable. He's hard working and loving. He has an awesome family wife and two beautiful children. He rocks.

My brother Brad is the middle brother. When my Mom was pregnant with Brad I am not sure how old I was but I would get up in the middle of the night and get him and rock him until she got up out of bed to feed him. Brad and I were always close growing up. I would try to protect him from Pete. Not always successful, but I tried. He too is an amazing man and father. He loves his family and works so hard. He isn't quite as verbal and talkative as Pete and I, but his gifts are all internal. He is a total talent. Musically he has taught himself to play the piano, mandolin and guitar. He has so much raw musical talent, it's fun to watch. Brad is private and although we are close he keeps to himself. He loves the simple things in life and it's a joy to watch. He can play like a mad man but isn't too keen on doing it with an audience. He finds joy in playing his instruments and his music for his daughter Ari. His number one fan! He also works as "tree guy" he is a certified Arborist and loves what he does. He works in Durango and I am glad to have him and his family close to me. We don't get together as often as I would like to, but as he navigates his first child, I navigate my "brood" to be! We are working out how to make sure we get together more often. Brad's heart is awesome too. He is understanding, a great listener and is chill. I love that about him. I am proud to call him my brother:)

Finally, my youngest brother and another amazing story. We affectionately call him Zay Zay. Now that he is older he goes by Austin... growing up we called him A.J. a nickname he has forgone over the years. Zay Zay is how he said it when he was a baby... so that kind of stuck for me. Austin was born when I was 17 years old. When he would come visit me in college at 1 1/2 some people would ask me if he was my child. He is the apple of all of our eye. He has grown up almost as an only child because we are all so much older than he is. But he blows us all out of the water. He is a musical theatre major at NYU, he too plays the mandolin, guitar, harmonica and violin. He loves to act and is studying it in New York. He will be a junior this year and we are so excited the path his life has taken. Austin and I have some minor generational gaps. He and Grace are closer in age than Austin and I were... but even with our age difference I feel very close to him. I love him with all my heart and I know he loves me too. He thinks my "80's" tendencies and speech are funny. He is hysterical and can find humor in just about anything. When I go see him in productions and plays... I cry every time. I am so proud of the man he is becoming.

All three of these awesome dudes I am proud to call my brothers. I pray for them and love them very much. I ask God to pour himself into their lives. To show up for them, to guide them, to protect them and their families and friends. I pray specifically for their needs. I am a proud big sister and thank God for their influence and love in my life.

Are you looking for a miracle?

2009-06-24T08:10:00.000-07:00

Last night grace and I were watching the movie Charlette's Web II. We were sitting on the couch. Toby had fallen asleep and we put him to bed. I let Grace stay up later than usual so she could finish out the movie and watch it with me. Sometimes it's just fun to hang out on the couch with her and watch.

I am not sure about anyone else, but lots of fingerprints, scratches and handling of DVD's by children usually messes them up pretty good. This DVD has been handled been on trips with us where the kids have managed to scratch it touch it and get their muddy little paws all over it. It's a little painful for me because I think they are a tad bit expensive in some cases.

Anyway, last night at the last part of the video, it got stuck. It just stood at one place in the movie.. frozen screen. I hit the fast forward button to get it past the scratch or food or whatever might be causing the glitch. The screen just sat there. Nothing. I was able to rewind it back to a part further back in the movie but when it go back to the same spot, it froze again. Grace was like... oh Mom... I really want to see the end of this (even though she had seen it like 50 times).

So I said this outloud. "Dear Jesus, please help us with this movie you know how much Grace wants to see the end, please fix it for us."

Immediately the video unstuck and played the rest of the movie. I looked at my daughter's face and a big HUGE smile came across it. She was so impressed with how Jesus just fixed that video for us. I said, "Did you see that Grace... wow Jesus must really have understood how much you wanted to see the rest of it" She said, "Yeah, He did."

I was thinking about that moment this this morning and wondered.... If you don't have faith in Jesus or God and the hope of Christ. Your bound to miss all of the miracles in life. I love moments like this... just thought I'd share!

The "Big Kids" and adding to the Kline Family

2009-06-22T17:55:00.000-07:00

Grace and I were talking the other day about Josie. As we all prepare for this new bundle of joy... and hope and blessings I am seeing my "older kids" in a whole new way. I am remembering their births, remembering their birthdays, remembering that 5 and 7 years ago... they were my new precious bundles of joy. I was explaining to Grace how God just makes "more love" when there is a new baby. I had this impression that Grace would be the most excited about Josie. She is very excited this is true, but lately I think she is wrestling with excitement and questions and wondering... what is this going to mean in terms of being the "girl" in this family.
When I asked her about what she thought about Josie she said that she was kind of hoping the baby would be a boy... because then she could be the only girl in the family and she would get to have all the glittery things.... all the girly stuff.
But then she said, "But I'd rather have a girl... than no baby, I'm just glad God gave us this one." When I had my first miscarriage I think it bothered Grace more than I ever thought... her confidence was rocked a little bit. She understands the blessing of this baby and is willing to "share" her status as only daughter for the sake of the blessing of a new baby. I explain to her that she will be my "BIG GIRL" and Josie will be the "BABY". That Grace will have special things as the older sister and Josie will have special things because she is the youngest. We talked about how when Grace is 16 years old and Josie is 9 years old.. Grace will be able to drive her places. That she is going to learn from Grace and she will know the love of a sister.

Toby on the other hand, still wants nothing to do with the thought of us having a baby girl. When he says his prayers at night he is still asking God to send him a brother. My son is stubborn when he gets a thought in his head. He's not bending for anything. He is still excited to teach her not to put things in her mouth and teach her how to ride a bike and teach her not to throw toys and how to play baseball. When I can get him off the fact she is not going to be a boy... he tells me all the things he will teach her. But when we talk about gender. He's utterly bugged. :)

Billy is making me laugh a lot. I keep trying to explain to him how things are going to change around the home. We've both forgotten what it's like to have a baby in the house. We both have forgotten what "truly" sleepless feels like. We both have forgotten how much a baby relies on his/her parents. But we know it's coming. My husband is awesome. He gets teary eyed when he thinks about Josie and the blessing she will be to him and his heart. He has diabetes and really watches what he eats, but on Father's Day "treated" himself to some Mountain Dew. A treat for Daddy on Father's Day but also something he drinks when he's stressed. He sits in the nursery and ponders this family and our life. I am so excited to see what a great Dad he is going to be to three kids it may be tough at times, but we know it is only for a season and God will be in all of it.

As I pray about this pregnancy and this life inside of me, I have this sense that I am going to "learn" a lot. God is putting it on my heart that during this next season or phase in our lives we are going to "learn". I hope this learning phase means wisdom and a better understanding of parenting and being a family of five. I pray that this learning and this knowledge comes with an ability to take things in stride. I pray also that during this learning comes clarity and peace about who I am as a woman of God, wife, mother and friend.

As I've said in my profile. God has some big things in store for this family of ours. Josie is one of them and we can have a confidence it may be a "wild" ride, but it is going to be awesome and something we can look back on and be proud we did as a family. I am so proud to be a Mom and wife in this Kline family in Colorado. All I can do is get on my knees and thank God for all of his amazing blessings in this life.

PS. This song is awesome. I bought Billy this CD for Father's Day when Grace was really little. I absolutely love it. It is my Father's Day song for all Dads... it can apply to Father's and daughters and fathers and sons... it's a father's heart for his children. love it lots. I think God loves us like this. It's too cool.